I was a mess yesterday. A hormonal, sobbing, pile of jumbled emotions that changed as quickly as the wind. Seriously, I was a basket case.
It wasn't even really about the jaundice, though it didn't help matters. I was definitely way more upset about Will and his jaundice and it was never this high. I think I just learned a lesson with Will's bout with bilirubin that it isn't the end of the world if the baby gets a bit of formula. I sobbed when I had to stop breastfeeding for 24 hours with Will because I thought the very worst thing that could. ever. happen to me is if we didn't get to go back to nursing. I guess little bit of parenting has seasoned me a bit, because I have come to see that if Emma didn't go back to the breast, life would go on. Now, I would be disappointed, don't get me wrong, but I would pump, she would get a my breastmilk in a bottle and we'd all move on.
That being said. . . I think the reality of having two small children is hitting me. As any of you who have been reading this blog know only too well, it's not as if I went into this blindly or with visions of sunshine and roses. I've been freaking since about 7 months pregnant about how I would be everything to everybody (realizing, of course, that I can't and won't be but still knowing I'll try).
My relationship with Will has changed already. The tantrums that have suddenly started are far worse with me than with M. He knows that I can't lift him and is refusing to do things that normally would not even been an issue (like put on his shoes or go upstairs to brush his teeth). He will give me this look and then refuse to do something. . . because he knows that I don't have the ability to physcially make him do something. M is here this week to help with those moments, but he heads back to work on Monday and I started to feel just a bit of panic thinking about being alone with the both of them and still not being 100% back to normal. Now, to be fair to Will, it's not as if he is doing this all of the time, but with my hormones already on a wild ride, I find that what would normally not even phase me practially has me in tears. I miss my sweet little boy and I miss being able to do everything he needs.
Yesterday, we all went to the grocery store and I realized the sheer logistics of shopping with two small children. We just don't fit in one standard grocery cart anymore. There are those nifty car carts that most grocery stores now have and one of those worked great yesterday, but as any mom knows, those are not always available. I consider myself a very independent, on-the-go Mommy. I was able to do all of our grocery shopping and errands done with Will in tow and now I have no clue how I will get those things done. I told M I am going to have to start doing grocery shopping at night, after the kids are in bed, but I know it will be awhile before I have time in the evening to do that.
Then, there is my guilt toward Emma. I feel as if she is the easier one to set down when all heck breaks loose. I am definitely not jumping at her every cry. I don't sit on the couch and nurse her for hours and stare at her beautiful little face as I did with her older brother. I am far more businesslike and likely to set her down so I can get some crackers for Will or five minutes to shower. I don't even know that this is necessarily a bad thing, it just makes me sad that I don't get the same time to just marinate in these newborn days.
Logically, I know all of these emotions are very normal. There are moments when I do feel calm and collected and I do feel in control of things. Actually, today, I have been much better and not feeling as panicked, so I attribute a lot of this to the Great Hormone Crash of '10. I know that in time, I will find a new rhythm, a new normal. I will learn to navigate the grocery store with two kids. I will learn how to be a mommy-on-the-go-with-two. . . or I will have to learn to stay at home more. . . or a combination of both.
Emotionally, I am trying to be patient with myself. I am 9 days out from surgery, juggling life and sleeping schedules, and of course, readjusting hormonally following pregnancy. I just need to take one day. . . one smile. . . one cuddle at a time. These two make it pretty hard to ignore the cuteness that life with two children bring.