Thursday, September 25, 2008

Like Coffee, This One's Been Brewing. . .

So, this post might lose me some readers. I have noticed that my traffic has been decreasing pretty steadily since Will made his arrival. I get that. I think a lot of people saw me through the safe arrival of my son and have moved on. It's a bit sad for me, but once again, I get it. It's hard to read about yellow babies with jaundice and sleeping through the night, when you are so depressed that you are green with envy and sleeping through the day. I've been there.

When I write what I am about to write, I realize that I might lose the rest of you. But I have always tried to be honest on this blog, so I am going going to change tactics now.

Being a new parent is hard.

Yes, I know, duh. Right? Of course, I knew that. I had seen my friends go through this. I knew it would be tough. I knew that it would change everything. I knew that I would have moments where I didn't know what to do.

What I didn't know, what you can't learn from the sidelines, is that I would feel this way every day. I didn't know that I would second-guess myself constantly. I didn't know that the nighttime feedings wouldn't bother me at all, but my son's refusal to nap without be held would reduce me to tears. I didn't know that watching him squirm in pain from the gas and not be able to do anything would make me feel so hopeless. I didn't know that I could feel like such a failure when I can't soothe him and big tears well in his eyes. Tears.

Perhaps it is infertility still rearing its ugly head. Kind of like when I was pregnant and suffering from horrible morning sickness, I would feel bad complaining. And if I did complain, people would say, "Well, this is what you wanted, right?" They were and still are correct. I wanted a baby, I wanted to be a mom. I suppose if I am really honest, I also wanted it to be easy after everything else had been so hard.

I also think that with infertilty, babies take on this status that they could never really achieve in real life. My poor angel babies are revered in my minds eye. They never cry, I was the one shedding all of the tears. I always knew I was a good parent to them in mourning them as I did. Now, my greatest fear is that I am failing Will, that I am not a good mom. This is what I have wanted, fought for, given my everything for, and I am afraid that I am not quite living up to the task.

All of this is not to say that I would go back to my infertile life. Not for every dollar in the world. I love Will and I have faith that this will get easier and that I will get better at it. It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be.

And sometimes, I cry tears, too.

20 comments:

soapchick said...

You didn't lose me! I still read. You are on my google reader. I just don't comment that much.

I don't know from personal experience, but yes being a parent is very hard, but it will get easier in this phase, and then you will move onto another phase and new hardships will arise. You will conquer those too. You are a great mom, don't forget that. Don't second guess yourself! Oh and Will is adorable!

Fertilized said...

You can't get rid of me this easily. I get it. I understand. I have cried MANY tears over this Mom job. It is so hard, you are not complaining at all. In the trenches of newborn parenting is not all cake. Keep up the good word and know that I deeply understand .. deeply. I feel 1000000% the exact same way. I havew lost readers and commentors but thats ok - You need support through these stages just as much as IF treatments .. TRUST me, I know you do because there is not a day that goes by that i feel like I am failing at something! I am praying for US

~heather said...

You've not lost me. I don't know that I've ever commented, but I read frequently. I found your blog when I suffered my miscarriage.

I have not struggled with infertility as you have. Quite honestly, I got pregnant very easily (not planned) with my daughter. When she was a year old, we wanted to try for another child. After 5 months of negative tests, I was pregnant. For 6 weeks. Then I started bleeding. And at 7 weeks we saw a heartbeat, only to be told it would stop and I would miscarry. Two days later, I lost the baby. We decided if it happened again, then we were done. That our daughter would be an only child because we couldn't deal with the loss again. I am currently 7 months pregnant. I didn't experience a second loss. But it's something I think about all the time. I second guess everything now where I didn't with my pregnancy with my daughter. I don't know how you feel, with your situation never being through it myself. But your blog helped me when I needed it to. And for that, I'm grateful and don't plan on leaving. I like to keep updated with you and Will. You're a great mom, and things will get easier and harder. Every age, every stage is something new. And just when you think you've got it figured out... it's on to the next age and stage! Have fun!

Mrs. Piggy said...

Oh Katie, you didn't lose your evil twin! I read every day. Just never have two free hands to comment.

I feel the same way you do, every day. First it was breastfeeding that constantly had me second guessing. I thought when I went back to work, and we went to bottles during the day, that things would be SO much easier becuz now I knew what they were getting. Its just as hard. Nothing seems to get easier!

Give yourself another two months and you will start feeling like a pro, and you will start thinking about another one :)
I have two and Im already trying to con the hubby into using frozens! (not for 5 years, im not crazy)

I honestly can say I raise my kid through google and message boards. I second guess myself ALL the time.

InfertileMadWoman said...

Sweetie, welcome to the REAL WORLD!!!!!

I so totally feel you, I freaked out about everything after the Turtle was born..... it gets easier, I promise, and I am fairly new to this whole thing to, so you aren't to far behind me!!

Just hang in there, vent, and know that it gets better.... you learn, and you do cry, but soon your tears will be happy ones!!!

Hugs,
Rebel

Jen said...

I'm still here! And you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. Sure you had a hard time getting to this point, but that doesn't mean that being a parent is magically easier because of it. And it doesn't mean that you don't appreciate every day with Will. I am sure that you are an amazing mom!

Kim said...

You haven't lost me, either. Actually, you're stuck with me for FOREVER! :O)

I know what you mean though. It's hard for me to post most of the time now because I feel like even though things are difficult, frustrating, and overwhelming.. I have no right to rant about how much it all sucks, because I'm the one who asked for all of this. I'm sure that's how some see it. But I didn't ask for THIS. I asked for a baby to love. And I love her to pieces. The rest of this crap, I didn't ask for. But it is what it is, and we're dealing.. but I have every right to vent when I need to, in my opinion. And my readers have every right to choose to read or not read, and most don't anymore. And that is what it is, too.

Anyway, what I've learned is that it's my life and my blog, and readers will come and go. So if posting gives me a brief moment of relief, then I'm going to do just that and not worry so much about what everyone thinks of it. You should do the same.

Joy said...

Oh hang in there! Being a Mom is the hardest job, but the most priviledged one. It's okay to complain and get upset about things. None of us will think of you as ungrateful! It's just a part of being a parent.

My husband struggled with this far more than me, as I grew up and raised kids as a kid. He withdrew and was so insecure and uncertain of his role. Three years later he's AMAZING.

It takes time and patience. Little Will has a GREAT Mommy and Daddy who love him and have fought for him. Every time you find yourself in that place of, "I just CANNOT do this anymore!" remember we've all been there.

It's hard not to look at the other moms on the block and think, "They have it SO together!" But behind those closed doors is an insecure parent who cries themselves to sleep, wondering if they're doing the right thing.

I second guess EVERYTHING. Just today I second-guessed my discipline strategy for my 3-year-old. I just wanted to give up and walk out the door (not indefinitely, of course).

Keep at it and keep your chin up! Know you have support here. Even if you feel it's diminished somewhat, there are still faithful followers who want to hear about Will and your new role as Mommy!!! *HUGS*

Polka Dot said...

I'm still here!

I don't comment as much because I really can't relate or I don't have any advice, but I still check you daily.

And you have every right to complain.

Take my first marriage and divorce. It was hard - omg hard - afterwards - bills, stress, etc ... Someone said "well, you wanted the divorce" and I said "Yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't have a right to be stressed sometimes".

Because I did. And so do you.

I'm sure you'll lose readers - like another person said, readers will come and go. It doesn't mean they don't care or that they're angry with you - it just means that sometimes it's too hard for them.

And you have no responsibility for that.

Allison said...

I'm still here reading. I don't always post comments because I know how it can be with people just offering ass-vice. Hang in there...you are doing an amazing job and you are right, this mom thing is hard but soooo worth it :)

Kathy V said...

I know I haven't commented very much as of late. But hey, I am lucky I even get a new post on my own blog before 3 weeks time. I do read every day though.

It would just be so much easier if the kids came with their own intruction manuals. But since they don't we have to do a little bit of guesswork. I am sure that even though you feel helpless at times, I am sure you are doing a wonderful job. Your little man is growing and changing and he is doing good. Keep up the good work. While I am sure there are some things that get you down or frustrated, there are probably a bunch of good points too. Like his little face or when something goes right. Hang in there! You are doing a wonderful job.

Samantha said...

My new job and exhaustion have had a toll on my commenting, but I definitely still read! I think blogs go through an evolution as people pass into different stages of their lives. I have seen my own blog change since I've been pregnant. Use your blog to be honest and true, and you will always have readers, even if your demography or readership changes as your life changes.

I think that being a new parent is hard, and it ends up being hard in unexpected ways. I don't really know how to prepare for it. Maybe you can't.

JJ said...

Im still here! I seem to be reading a lot of what I was thinking as I got ready to comment--its not that I dont read, I just have no smart advice to give-and that makes it hard to relate--doesnt mean I dont care=)
I have NO doubt this part of your life is hard--but I know at the same time you are loving every moment!

the d'angelo family said...

I don't comment that often, but I am a "follower" of yours and want you to know that although my situation is different then yours (struggling with secondary infertility), I enjoy reading how you've dealt, struggled and now have overcome many obstacles on your journey. My son will be 3 in November and I still have days where I feel like you do now, and second guess that trying to have another is our best idea right now.

Keep your head up...you still have many people that care about you and your Little Man!

Jennifer said...

Honestly, if I had just stumbed across a blog and someone was complaining anbout this, that, an the other about how difficult being a parent is, I probably wouldn't come back. (And that has happened before...)

HOWEVER, even though this is my first visit to your blog, I want to say that I think you've written this with great love and care. At least you're not saying everything's perfect and fun with a new baby, because we'd all know that's not 100% the truth.

"I suppose if I am really honest, I also wanted it to be easy after everything else had been so hard."

I love your honesty and I'll be back =)

Beth said...

I'm still here!

I feel validated in your post - so I will second it: Being a (new) parent IS HARD!

And I've been parenting for a little over 2 years, and I second guess myself every.single.day.

The good news for the kids, is they know nothing different. The good news for the parents, is tomorrow is a new day. And with that new day comes new confidence.

You can do this.
You are doing a great job!

BrownEyedGirl said...

By the looks of things, you haven't lost a fair amount of us.

Everything you've said makes complete and total sense Katie!!!

Hugs hun!!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I'm still here and you are so not alone in how you're feeling. I feel that same way everyday, even though I love Lemy beyond words. I'm beginning to think its normal to feel this way, or at least its becoming the new normal.

Hang in there! ((HUGS))

Mrs. B said...

Nothing worth having ever comes easy...

With my son (now almost 17) I hardest hardest time ever, He had colic from the minute he was born until 6 months old. He screamed all the time, he was never happy, never quiet and I thought I would go insane. There were many times I would look at him and think, "Dear God, what am I doing wrong?" But I wasn't doing anything wrong. Babies are hard, they just are. If they were easy the world would be even more overpopulated than it is.

You will be fine. You are a good strong woman with a lot of love in your heart for him, and that is what he needs more than anything else. Just love him and try to get through the hard spots as best you can. You'll be fine, and so will he.

My Reality said...

I am still here and it sounds like you are going through the typical new mom stuff, and it isn't easy!