Just How Real Are You?

When Jennifer Lopez had her fraternal twins at age 40 and swore up and down that they were not the result of IVF, I thought, "Meh, so what if they are?"

I would love it if celebrities were more honest about their use of assisted reproductive technology [ART], but I also get it. I am open about our experiences, but not everyone is. Privacy means different things to different people. My husband, for instance, is extremely close-lipped about our use of IVF. He just doesn't think it's anyone's business but ours. So, whether J-Lo's babies were the result of IVF, IUI, or anything else, didn't really phase me. Her denial of it didn't either. I kind of figure it's her business to share or not to share, and hey, maybe her kids were the results of unassisted conception just as she claims.

Even her opinions on IVF being against God's will didn't bother me. I don't agree with her, but you know what, that's what makes the world go 'round. Her choosing not to do any sort of ART doesn't keep me or anyone else from doing it, and she wasn't offensive in her statements or judgmental of women who use ART.

What does bother me is that she is so "against" assisted reproduction, but she doesn't seem to mind playing the role of a woman who uses it in an upcoming movie. It bothers me that she will make money off of something that she claims not to agree with. She will further her career portraying something that she knows nothing about. It seems rather hypocritical. To be honest, the movie doesn't sound like something I would have seen in the theater anyway, but with her in the starring role, it's not going to even make my Netflix queue.

The Dark Side

Please go over and give Danifred some love.

And Amanda, too.

Dangit, and Jo, too.

Words fail me. This is so unfair. I know, I know. Life isn't fair. But why, why does it have to hurt so much sometimes? And such good people who don't deserve the pain?

In Humble Gratitude

I can't seem to stop smiling today. Well, that is when I am not crying.

I have been a puddle since yesterday. Don't worry, it's all tears of absolute joy.

To be honest, I did not really believe in this pregnancy until yesterday. Project As If was more of my strong will and determination to rise above the negative voices in my head that were saying, "You will miscarry. This baby will die." It was more my husband, who has had pure and utter faith in this pregnancy since the second line turned up, that was really the driving force behind Project As If.

I know we are not out of the woods yet and that there are still things that could go wrong as is the case for any woman expecting a baby. But as of today, I do believe in this pregnancy. I do believe that, come some time in July, we will have a second miracle in our lives.

I hate to sound corny and trite, but I am very humbled by this blessing. I have actually pinched myself today, because this seems like a dream and I keep waiting to wake up. Somehow, though, I am not dreaming, this is happening. I couldn't be more grateful for this blessing. I couldn't be more thankful for the many people who made their way here to express their congratulations. Many of those people are still waiting their own first blessings and my eyes fill with tears (again!) at their unselfish happiness for our family.

Project As If does not seem like a good enough name for this little one. For one thing, it's just too long and for another, it just doesn't seem very baby. For some reason, Sweetpea has been coming to my mind for the past few weeks, and I think until we know whether this one is a little boy or girl, that will do nicely.

So, it is my greatest honor to introduce you to our Little Sweetpea. . . My prayer is that he or she arrives in good health and that God helps me to be the type of woman and mother who is worthy of all that we have been blessed with.

The Other Side of the Story

We arrived at Dr. S's office 10 minutes before our appointment time and took our seats. . . the waiting room was crowded, so we sat in the exact same chairs as we had over three years ago on December 8, 2006. That was the horrible, awful day that we had found out we had lost our precious Gummy Bear, at 11 weeks, 2 days. It was just today that I realized that that it was the same appointment time, too.

We were led back to the exact same exam room (this is a large practice, so there are many rooms to choose from). It was my favorite nurse who roomed us, but she was also there that day, too.

Dr. S came in, jovial as usual. I could barely concentrate on the questions he asked. I had weighed in lost more weight, so he wanted to write me a new prescription for anti-nausea medication. We talked about other things, but I was only half listening, the rest of me caught in the past, to the almost exact same conversation we'd had about my nausea and what to take for it.

He suddenly stood up and said, "Well, we've put it off as long as I think we should. Let's get the u/s machine."

I lost it, then. I was crying by the time they rolled in the machine. K stood by my side, holding my hand, watching the screen with as much concern and interest as M and me.

"Are you seeing what I'm seeing?" Dr. S asked.

"I'm seeing a heartbeat," I said as the breath of air I'd been holding in whooshed out of me.

"Yes. And the baby is measuring. . . 10 weeks, 5 days." Which is only three days off my original dates and perfectly in line for a healthy pregnancy. As he put it, "Perfect."

That day, so long ago, I remember thinking of the way it should have been, the alternate universe where we left smiling and holding pictures of our baby. Today, I got to live that reality. I kept crying, but my tears were those of joy.

K patted my hand and said, "I am so happy for you guys."

Dr. S jiggled my tummy and our baby rolled over, waved his or her little arms, kicked, and swam. My tears made the image blurry, but I could still see it.

The rest of the appointment went as expected, and we left, clutching our pictures. I was still crying (what a goof!), but these tears, well. . .

There was a day, not so very long ago, that I feared I would never be a mother. Then, we were blessed with Will. And to be given this miracle again. . . I am humbled, I am in awe, I am not sure how I am worthy. I know so many are still waiting, I know that there is not a lot of fairness in this double blessing.

It's been almost three hours and I am still crying. I cried through our nice dinner out. I cried as we picked Will up from my girlfriend's, and I have been crying as I type this. These are tears of happiness, of relief, of gratitude, and of sadness for those that are still "left behind."

Today, I got to live the other side of infertility, the dream. I wish for each of you the very same blessing with all of my heart.

The Day of As If

The day of reckoning is here. Today, we will see a beating heart and a growing baby. Or not. But I choose to hope and believe the former.

The appointment is at 4:00. My OB is always running late towards the end of the day. We have to pick Will up from my girlfriend's afterward. So, you might not hear from me for awhile, but that isn't necessarily bad news. Rest assured that I will post an update here just as soon as I can.

No matter how this all turns out, I am so thankful for your love, support, and friendship. I am so thankful for this time with Project As If. And I am eternally thankful that I have my sweet little boy, who does not replace any lost babies, but will always be way more than enough no matter what else life does or does not bring us.

Sticks and Stones

Is it just me? Or do their seem to be a lot more negative and/or inappropriate comments in the good ol' blogosphere lately? I read several blogs that are going through some really devastating times and I have literally had my breath knocked out of me from some of the awful things left to them on their blogs.

I have had a few comments over the course of my time here that have left me angry, upset, or just shaking my head. I used to leave them up, but now I delete them at once. This isn't really the place for such negativity.

I have given some though to refusing to allow anonymous comments, but 99% of the time, my anonymous commentors are great. A lot of the time, it's lurkers who don't have their own blog account, but have something really interesting to say, and I don't want to force someone to go make up an account. Conversely, I figure if someone is bound and determined to leave me a nasty, they are more than capable of taking the thirty seconds to make up an account to do so.

I have tried comment moderation before, which works great for keeping the negative comments off the blog, but doesn't work so great because I still have to see them. And I hate that if I miss one (darn spam folder) or am away from my computer for awhile, the comments don't get put up in a timely manner.

I have though about just disabling comments, but I am not going to lie. . . I love comments! I am not the tye of person to let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch, and in my case, thankfully, the negative comments are very few and far between.

I find that I am more able to shrug off the not-s0-nice comments that are made to me, anyway. I mean, I am the one putting myself out there in a public forum, so I kind of deserve what I get. What I get is a ton of love and support and a bunch of amazing friends in my corner. Everyone little once in awhile, I get the opposite, and I can handle that. The delete function is very easy to operate after all!

The comments that tend to nag at me at the ones left for those friends. I get really fired up and want to find out just who that so-called anonymous poster is and go kick some blogger booty. Last night, I ran across just such a comment on a friend's post, and I was so fired up that I talked to M about it. He reminded me that some people just don't have anything better to do than spew hate and bile. They are no doubt hurting in some way and this cowardly strike out at someone else somehow makes them feel better for a second. I tried to remember that as I forced myself to stay on topic to what the author had posted and answer her questions, rather than fire back a snappy response to her anonymous attacker.

Here, I will continue to use my delete button at will. . . and please remember, if you do want to address something to me, I am always happy to do so via e-mail. I have had many people contact me that way, and I have even had some friendships arise out of what might have just been a negative comment. I just prefer to keep it clean here on this space.

Edited: For now, comment moderation has been enabled. I will allow any comments on the general topic that was in this post. I will allow comments that do not disparage another blogger. I will allow comments that are anonymous so long as they are not inflammatory. Please feel free to contact me with questions. I am away from my computer for the rest of the day, so if you do not see your comment up right away, please be patient.

Don't or Do-ppler?

So, last time, I didn't get a doppler. I was too worried that I would use it incorrectly and scare us needlessly if I couldn't get a heartbeat.

But we are now entering that phase where I could hear a heartbeat via doppler any old time I wanted to and thus avoid a lot of unncessary worrying. I have to admit, I am tempted.

What I would like to know from you is:

1) What were your experiences with the doppler? Good? Bad? Indifferent?

2) Did you rent or buy yours?

3) Where did you rent or buy yours?

Thanks!