Well, it is clearly not just in my head. My ovaries hurt. What a weird thing to say. I mean, my ovaries have been with me from day one and "active" since I was 14. Until this last June when I started Femara, I had never taken much notice of them. Femara definitely made them ache, but this is different. It isn't so much that it is painful, per se, although it definitely isn't comfy. It is more that it is such a strange feeling. I can kind of feel everything getting moved around in there and it feels so weird.
I also feel just. . . unwell. Kind of like I have a low level flu. I woke up this morning, still tired despite my 8 hours plus of sleep last night. I have a headache and although I don't really feel nauseous, I feel kind of "off" in the tummy department.
I really am not complaining - well, that's not the point of this post, anyway. Rather, I like to record my feelings and symptoms for two reasons. First off, even though I am trying to be optimistic, I know the simple reality is that this might not work. In fact, there is a pretty good chance that it won't - at least not the first time. I have seen way too many of my good friends get a few negative cycles before their positive. So, I just know that I can't count on success the first time - or, really, at all. If I have to do this again, I would really like a reference point of how it felt this time, for no other reason than some reassurance, a comparison point. The second reason, as I have mentioned before, is that I Google search for people's IVF experiences and I wish there were more details. I think a lot of people don't want to be seen as whining and complaining. I don't want to be seen that way, either, but I would rather be honest and help someone else out there know the real deal.
The bonus of all of this honesty is that I have gotten some really good tips in the comments section on how to handle some of these side effects and injections. That has really made it worth looking like a wimp. Thanks for hanging with me. Things are about to get interesting.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Not Perfect, But I'll Take It!
Today's appointment went well and was actually pretty exciting. There were three surprises that I wasn't expecting.
I had my estradiol blood draw first. The person who drew my blood is great at the needle stick - I don't even feel it! I complimented him on his poking prowess and asked for some advice with the needles. He said the key is to go fast and "jab" it in, rather than go slowly, Also, he said to wait until the medication dries off the tip, especially with the more caustic drugs, like Menopur. He said that I could ice it, but that can make the blood clot faster and therefore, more bruising. The nurse also looked at my stomach and was surprised that I didn't have more bruising after almost three weeks of shots. She said that I looked "like a pro," and that one or two bruises are nothing to be concerned with.
The first surprise of the day was how much it hurt when I had the transvaginal ultrasound. I was actually worried because it hurt so much, but she said it is completely normal, especially with what we found in my ovaries. The left ovary has 11 follicles, with a size range from 8.9 to 13.3 mm. The right ovary has 9 follicles, with a size range of 8.3 to 12.2 mm. She thinks that all 20 will mature in time for retrieval. I haven't heard back with estradiol numbers, but she doesn't anticipate a problem with the follicle amount and size.
The second surprise of today is that given where I am for follicle count and size, Dr. M believes that retrieval could possibly be as early as Sunday - two days ahead of schedule. I really have fingers crossed for that, for two reasons: First, a few less days of stims. Secondly, I would have my beta on Christmas Eve. How wonderful would that be? Unless of course, it was a negative, but we aren't even going to examine that possibility right now. One stick at a time!
Dr. M didn't declare me "perfect," this time, but she said that everything looked "just fine." The IVF coordinator said that the size ranges looked "great." Another good day, keep 'em coming!
The third surprise was our discussion revolving around how many embryos to transfer. I had kind of planned that we would decide when we got to Day 5. If we had one good embryo that was already hatching, then I was thinking that we would transfer just one. My thought is that multiples increases the risk of pregnancy loss, which is our problem to begin with. I thought Dr. M was on the same page, but I was wrong.
Dr. M pretty much said that she would only recommend transferring two. She feels that with our history, she wouldn't do anything less. I guess it's just getting my head around the real and true possibility of twins. I love children and we want two, I guess I just love the baby phase so much, that I am sad it will be over so soon. Also, my friends with twins say that the really just "survive" the first year, rather than enjoy it. After all we have taken to get here, I just really want to be able to enjoy that newborn/infant stage. But I also know that if I see two heartbeats, I will fall in love and the extra work won't matter.
So, a few surprises, but all good.
I had my estradiol blood draw first. The person who drew my blood is great at the needle stick - I don't even feel it! I complimented him on his poking prowess and asked for some advice with the needles. He said the key is to go fast and "jab" it in, rather than go slowly, Also, he said to wait until the medication dries off the tip, especially with the more caustic drugs, like Menopur. He said that I could ice it, but that can make the blood clot faster and therefore, more bruising. The nurse also looked at my stomach and was surprised that I didn't have more bruising after almost three weeks of shots. She said that I looked "like a pro," and that one or two bruises are nothing to be concerned with.
The first surprise of the day was how much it hurt when I had the transvaginal ultrasound. I was actually worried because it hurt so much, but she said it is completely normal, especially with what we found in my ovaries. The left ovary has 11 follicles, with a size range from 8.9 to 13.3 mm. The right ovary has 9 follicles, with a size range of 8.3 to 12.2 mm. She thinks that all 20 will mature in time for retrieval. I haven't heard back with estradiol numbers, but she doesn't anticipate a problem with the follicle amount and size.
The second surprise of today is that given where I am for follicle count and size, Dr. M believes that retrieval could possibly be as early as Sunday - two days ahead of schedule. I really have fingers crossed for that, for two reasons: First, a few less days of stims. Secondly, I would have my beta on Christmas Eve. How wonderful would that be? Unless of course, it was a negative, but we aren't even going to examine that possibility right now. One stick at a time!
Dr. M didn't declare me "perfect," this time, but she said that everything looked "just fine." The IVF coordinator said that the size ranges looked "great." Another good day, keep 'em coming!
The third surprise was our discussion revolving around how many embryos to transfer. I had kind of planned that we would decide when we got to Day 5. If we had one good embryo that was already hatching, then I was thinking that we would transfer just one. My thought is that multiples increases the risk of pregnancy loss, which is our problem to begin with. I thought Dr. M was on the same page, but I was wrong.
Dr. M pretty much said that she would only recommend transferring two. She feels that with our history, she wouldn't do anything less. I guess it's just getting my head around the real and true possibility of twins. I love children and we want two, I guess I just love the baby phase so much, that I am sad it will be over so soon. Also, my friends with twins say that the really just "survive" the first year, rather than enjoy it. After all we have taken to get here, I just really want to be able to enjoy that newborn/infant stage. But I also know that if I see two heartbeats, I will fall in love and the extra work won't matter.
So, a few surprises, but all good.
The First Poke Is The Deepest
Well, I really got myself good last night. I am not sure what I did, but my Menopur shot hurt like a son of a you know what. Usually, the poke itself doesn't hurt, just the meds going in. Last night, the poke hurt and then of course, the meds felt like fire going into me. I started bruising about five seconds after the needle was out, so I know I did something wrong. The only thing I can figure is that I had some medication on the needle tip from checking the flow and that there was more than usual. Burned, burned, burned. I had to take a minute before I could attempt to inject the Follistim, but luckily, that went in nicely. I just finished my first cartridge!
I was definitely uncomfortable in the ovary region last night. It has gone from twinges and tweaks to more of a pulling sensation on the right side and an ache on the left and these dull cramps that kind of feel like AF is on her way (she had better not be). I had to drag out the ol' heating pad and crank that baby up. It actually didn't help much and I finally just went to bed early. This morning, I feel better, although I am starting to notice a bit of a bloat. I also find myself to be way more emotional. I am always a bit of a softie, but when I went to pick out an "anniversary" card for my husband, I ended up crying over the selection and unable to pick just one that expressed my feelings for him. It was actually kind of funny and I am glad that no one else chose to go down that aisle during my little outburst.
I have my first ultrasound check today to see how my ovaries are responding to the medications. PLEASE let this be another day of perfect. I can definitely feel something going on down there, now let's just hope it is the right amount of something.
I was definitely uncomfortable in the ovary region last night. It has gone from twinges and tweaks to more of a pulling sensation on the right side and an ache on the left and these dull cramps that kind of feel like AF is on her way (she had better not be). I had to drag out the ol' heating pad and crank that baby up. It actually didn't help much and I finally just went to bed early. This morning, I feel better, although I am starting to notice a bit of a bloat. I also find myself to be way more emotional. I am always a bit of a softie, but when I went to pick out an "anniversary" card for my husband, I ended up crying over the selection and unable to pick just one that expressed my feelings for him. It was actually kind of funny and I am glad that no one else chose to go down that aisle during my little outburst.
I have my first ultrasound check today to see how my ovaries are responding to the medications. PLEASE let this be another day of perfect. I can definitely feel something going on down there, now let's just hope it is the right amount of something.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Retrieval Results
I am pretty tired and kind of drugged, so I am going to make this a quick post.
23 eggs retrieved! Dr. M believes that we will get at least 13 mature eggs from the collection.
I have been having what I would call heavy spotting since the retrieval. Bright red blood with even a couple of small clots in it. Is this normal? Obviously, freaking out just a bit. I don't want all that nice, lush lining that I have been developing to go away!
23 eggs retrieved! Dr. M believes that we will get at least 13 mature eggs from the collection.
I have been having what I would call heavy spotting since the retrieval. Bright red blood with even a couple of small clots in it. Is this normal? Obviously, freaking out just a bit. I don't want all that nice, lush lining that I have been developing to go away!
Eve of Retrieval
It is after 11 PM and we have to be at the clinic at 7:15 tomorrow morning. Since it's a weekend, we won't have any traffic to worry about, but we still don't want to chance being late. So, our alarm clock is set for 5:30 AM. I really should get some sleep.
And yet. . .
I am nervous. I have convinced myself that I already ovulated. I know, I know, that's silly. I think that I am just trying to prepare myself for disappointment, just in case.
See, it was a year ago today that I floated into my OB's office, visions of a baby by this Christmas dancing in my head. At 11 weeks pregnant, we were gearing up to tell the world about our little Gummy Bear. I wasn't prepared for that still little baby on the screen. I let my guard down and my heart still hasn't recovered fully.
It is obviously much different and harder to lose a baby than it is to have an IVF cycle cancelled. However, I have been holding on to the hope of this cycle to ease the despair of yet another holiday without a baby, wondering if we will ever be parents.
So, I am nervous, but I am preparing myself for the worst. Just in case. Because I really don't know how much more my heart can handle.
And yet. . .
I am nervous. I have convinced myself that I already ovulated. I know, I know, that's silly. I think that I am just trying to prepare myself for disappointment, just in case.
See, it was a year ago today that I floated into my OB's office, visions of a baby by this Christmas dancing in my head. At 11 weeks pregnant, we were gearing up to tell the world about our little Gummy Bear. I wasn't prepared for that still little baby on the screen. I let my guard down and my heart still hasn't recovered fully.
It is obviously much different and harder to lose a baby than it is to have an IVF cycle cancelled. However, I have been holding on to the hope of this cycle to ease the despair of yet another holiday without a baby, wondering if we will ever be parents.
So, I am nervous, but I am preparing myself for the worst. Just in case. Because I really don't know how much more my heart can handle.
It Gets Easier
Last night's shots were much easier. I am not sure what (if anything) I did differently, but the Menopur barely burned and I had no bleeding from either injection. Compared to the first two rounds, it was a breeze. I figure I will just get this down and then it will be time to move to the PIO!
I have felt the stirrings of my ovaries a little. It started last night with a little cramping from the left ovary and this morning, my right ovary was complaining a little. It's not painful, just. . . twingy. I actually felt more of a response from the Femera, but then again, it's only Day 3 of the injectibles, so I am not going to get too cocky.
Since my follicle count last week showed a few more that she was expecting based on last month's count, she backed my Follistim down and has me coming in for my first blood draw and ultrasound tomorrow morning. If this all continues on schedule (not that I am counting on that, mind you), then I could be having egg retrieval in a WEEK. That is just plain crazy! It seems as if this has gone by so slowly and quickly all at once. It seems like only yesterday that I was crying about my Halloween BFN, then all at once deciding on IVF, and now, here we are.
My husband and I went out for lunch and Christmas shopping yesterday. It was a nice day and we seem to be back on the same page. I think we just needed to refocus on each other for a bit and things are better. Thank goodness! I can't handle all of these hormones AND a cranky husband. Also, today marks the day eight years ago when we went out on our first date. Before we were married, we used to celebrate this day with a lot of pomp and circumstance. Now that we have a wedding anniversary, this day doesn't get as much focus as it used to. I think I still might get him a card and maybe something small. I am so grateful for him and the fact that despite all we have been through, we still have a strong marriage (except on days when the Lupron Monster comes for a visit).
I have felt the stirrings of my ovaries a little. It started last night with a little cramping from the left ovary and this morning, my right ovary was complaining a little. It's not painful, just. . . twingy. I actually felt more of a response from the Femera, but then again, it's only Day 3 of the injectibles, so I am not going to get too cocky.
Since my follicle count last week showed a few more that she was expecting based on last month's count, she backed my Follistim down and has me coming in for my first blood draw and ultrasound tomorrow morning. If this all continues on schedule (not that I am counting on that, mind you), then I could be having egg retrieval in a WEEK. That is just plain crazy! It seems as if this has gone by so slowly and quickly all at once. It seems like only yesterday that I was crying about my Halloween BFN, then all at once deciding on IVF, and now, here we are.
My husband and I went out for lunch and Christmas shopping yesterday. It was a nice day and we seem to be back on the same page. I think we just needed to refocus on each other for a bit and things are better. Thank goodness! I can't handle all of these hormones AND a cranky husband. Also, today marks the day eight years ago when we went out on our first date. Before we were married, we used to celebrate this day with a lot of pomp and circumstance. Now that we have a wedding anniversary, this day doesn't get as much focus as it used to. I think I still might get him a card and maybe something small. I am so grateful for him and the fact that despite all we have been through, we still have a strong marriage (except on days when the Lupron Monster comes for a visit).
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Watch This
After not speaking to each other nearly all morning, hubby gave me a big hug and that was pretty much the end of our fight. We don't take the "easy route" out of fights too often - usually, I don't let him off the hook that easily, and we have to "discuss" everything. But I wasn't up for any more fighting or discussing yesterday, so we let it go at the hug.
Last night, I asked him to watch me mix the medications and then be in the bathroom with me when I injected the medication. He didn't want to watch, but agreed to stand close. The Menopur really burned again last night and I bled again from the Follistim. He actually watched the second injection (after I cried a little over the first) and said that it looked really painful. I told him that the stick itself isn't bad, but the burning of the Menopur really gets me. It just seems a little unnatural putting all of this stuff into my body. I couldn't feel the Lupron going in, can't feel the Follistim, so it's easy to pretend I am just sticking an empty needle into myself. But when it feels as if I am injecting hot lava into my stomach, well, there is no pretending that it it isn't there. I better get used to this before the PIO shots - I know from everyone that those are awful.
Thank you for the lovely comments and support. This is tough and when I search on my favorite Dr. Google, I can't find too many personal stories about what it is like to go through IVF. Part of my reason for this blog was to help others feel less alone, so I am going to be very honest and detaileda about my reactions to the medications and feelings regarding this process. Now, I know I am just one crazy infertile and that my experiences are just mine, but at least someone else out there might stumble across this and think, "Wow, and I thought I was bad."
Last night, I asked him to watch me mix the medications and then be in the bathroom with me when I injected the medication. He didn't want to watch, but agreed to stand close. The Menopur really burned again last night and I bled again from the Follistim. He actually watched the second injection (after I cried a little over the first) and said that it looked really painful. I told him that the stick itself isn't bad, but the burning of the Menopur really gets me. It just seems a little unnatural putting all of this stuff into my body. I couldn't feel the Lupron going in, can't feel the Follistim, so it's easy to pretend I am just sticking an empty needle into myself. But when it feels as if I am injecting hot lava into my stomach, well, there is no pretending that it it isn't there. I better get used to this before the PIO shots - I know from everyone that those are awful.
Thank you for the lovely comments and support. This is tough and when I search on my favorite Dr. Google, I can't find too many personal stories about what it is like to go through IVF. Part of my reason for this blog was to help others feel less alone, so I am going to be very honest and detaileda about my reactions to the medications and feelings regarding this process. Now, I know I am just one crazy infertile and that my experiences are just mine, but at least someone else out there might stumble across this and think, "Wow, and I thought I was bad."
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