Friday, June 13, 2008

If This Is A Dream, Please Don't Wake Me

I can believe that I am going to a Baby Shower tomorrow.

What I can't believe, what I am am having trouble wrapping my arms around, is that the Baby Shower is for me.

Before infertility struck, I used to love showers. I loved the excitement, the glow of the mother-to-be, the cake, the food, the teeny-tiny little clothes. I used to relish in throwing them for my friends.

I remember the first shower I went to after my first miscarriage - about a week after, actually, I was still bleeding. It was for a coworker and so I felt obligated to go. At that point in time, I was very closed lipped about our loss, so she had no idea. I remember her standing there, looking so beautiful, so happy, so pregnant. I tried to get into a celebratory mood, but just being there was almost more than I could handle, so I settled for not crying or doing anything drastic that would ruin the event for her.

Of course, there would be many more showers in the weeks, months, and years to come. If you have been dealing with infertility or loss for any amount of time, I don't need to tell you how hard they are. I don't need to remind you how your heart kind of sinks when you open an invite and hope like heck that you already have something on the calendar for that Saturday. I don't need to paint the picture of how you wonder if you can get away with a gift card or buy something on-line. Anything to get away from that dreaded baby aisle.

Probably the worst shower for me was for my husband's boss's wife. He and his wife knew about our losses, so they were very gentle when they announced their pregnancy. It has never been said, but I suspect some infertility on their end of things, but it's only a guess. Despite my suspicions that things weren't easy for them, I was still horribly upset the day that I found out that she was pregnant. She and I had been the last "holdouts," the last wives who would stand a bit aside at the company picnics and talk about our careers instead of our children. She was the one who would roll her eyes at me when for the sixth year in a row, the company president's wife showed up with a new baby at the summer get-together. I knew that from now on, the only one with empty arms at a company event was going to be me. Her shower was on the EDD for our third loss and only two months after we lost Gummy Bear, and I went, for political reasons.

I remember standing in the aisle at Target and trying to pick a card out - you know, without reading the inside, just based on how cute the outside is? Then, I made the mistake of reading one anyway, and I was crying in Target for about the ten millionth time in the two years since we had started losing babies. And we still had to go pick out the gift.

I could go on and on with shower stories and crying in Target aisles, but I think you get the point. I know you have and still are living it, too. The reality keeps hitting me in the face that my shower is here, this is for me. Does it make sense that I am scared? That I am nervous? Part of me is just waiting for someone to whip the pillow out from under my shirt and say, "Gotcha!" I am almost afraid that this shower business will jinx us, will steal away this happiness. Stupid? Perhaps, but it's what I am feeling after all.

I am excited, of course, don't get me wrong. But I am scared, too. I am scared that somehow, I have been living in some alternate world and tomorrow, it will all come crashing down. That I will be sitting at that shower and somehow, I will become the woman in the corner, trying not to cry again.

13 comments:

Jen said...

It is shower time already! Unbelievable. Showers are always happy events, even if sometimes we are not personally in a place to enjoy them. So let yourself enjoy this, because this isn't a dream!

Kim said...

Just soak it all up, you deserve it. For most women, baby showers are just routine, ordinary, and expected. But they mean something entirely different to you (as they should), so just soak up every moment of it. I hope that you have a wonderful, beautiful, everything-you-always-imagined shower.

Fertilized said...

Katie- I know that you will enjoy every last minute of the shower. I am so happy that tomorrow, you get to experience some pure joy! Soak it up

Tracy said...

It's all very surreal, isn't it? And it will be the day of, and many days after the shower.

I felt the same way... like by actually publicly having a shower, we were sure to jynx ourselves.

Ah...it's something I don't think we'll ever get past. That fear.

I hope you ENJOY your day in the spotlight. Every.single.second.

Jen said...

I understand the feeling. But I hope you have a good time and get LOTS of good presents.

Kathy V said...

Have a great time. I can imagine that feeling nervous after everything you have been through is normal. I wish you nothing but the best. All will be fine with your little guy. Hugs of excitement for you.

Samantha said...

I think you should enjoy this shower, it's your wonderful dream come true! No jinxing going on at all!

And happy birthday!

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

Enjoy every minute and if you cry, that's ok...its your party and you can do as you darn well please! Have a blast! :)

wanttobeamom said...

This post resonates with me. I really hope that you are able to relax and have a wonderful time tomorrow. It IS really happening to you!

Joy said...

It's not a dream! You're the star of the show, sweetie because the moment your baby is born, he'll be in the limelight. Relish this moment!

And don't you start fearing that something will happen to you or to him. You're VERY blessed!

Geohde said...

I hope you have a really enjoyable shower.

I find it very hard to do baby-preparation things, too, and today had me in a cold sweat- Nursery furniture, no less.

We can do it!

J

La La said...

Big,huge congrats hun! I can't wait to hear all about it!!

Chas said...

It is kind of weird when it's finally for you, eh? Congrats and have fun!! Enjoy!!!