Monday, December 22, 2008

Memorial Monday

This week's Memorial Monday is for J and her angels. As always, the stories of recurrent pregnancy loss strike a special chord in me, as I know firsthand the heartbreak of loss with no answers or resolution in sight. My thoughts and prayers are with J and her husband. She sent me this first entry on November 24. . .

I met my husband in 2002 and we were married this past year. We had suffered one miscarriage when we were first dating and it was a very early loss. I had found out I was pregnant and a few days later I started bleeding. I never got any answers on what happened or why. I was young and had never experienced this

In 2007, 6 months before we were to get married, I got pregnant again. It was quite a surprise! We had to change EVERYTHING for the wedding, from the date to the church. I would have been 7 months when we got married so we moved the date up because I wanted to still be able to fit in my dress. At 8 weeks, my husband and I went in for the first ultrasound and everything looked good. The doctor said the babies' sac wasn't fully round, almost like a kidney shaped but it was nothing to worry about. We told our families and I even got a "Mommy to be" shirt from my sister. My husband was so excited and telling anyone and everyone. I, like most women, had that worry in the back of my head because of the last miscarriage. But, I thought that everything just HAS to be ok. I was very nauseated and bloated. My pants starting feeling tighter but I knew it was all bloat/baby because I could barely eat anything! My jerk of a doctor never really did any tests or anything and we just had some routine blood tests.

After I had hit 3 months, I woke up one day and just didn't feel right. I went to the bathroom and there was a little blood. I called the doctor and they said to come in. I started getting ready but felt some pressure. I went to the bathroom again and was bleeding everywhere. Then the clots started coming. I woke up my husband and we rushed to the dr. They did an exam and my cervix was indeed open so they scheduled a D & C. We went to the hospital and huge gushes of blood were coming out. (Sorry for the TMI). I was screaming at the people who admit you and bleeding all over the floor. They finally got me into my room and I then we were off to the operating room. I said bye to my husband. When he left I kept thinking, what if something goes wrong and I die? I know it's a horrible thought but I was in a bad state of mind. The anesthesiologist came in and I started freaking out and asking for them not to knock me out yet. I asked if they could do another ultrasound to make sure, but they knew. Anyway, the dr. kind of tricked me and said they were just going to put in an IV but he put in the medicine to make you sleep. I woke up and it was over. I forgot where I was for a minute. I had to sit in the recovery room for the longest thirty minutes of my life. I just wanted my husband. I was told later by the nurses that he was in the waiting room just pacing back and forth and would stop every once in awhile and sit down and cry. That broke my heart. I was more worried about him more then anything. We both wanted this baby so bad.

I got on the pill right after because we had then moved our wedding date back to the original date and I was scared to get pregnant again. I was on the pill for about 6 months and my husband wanted to try again right away. We just found out we are pregnant again. I am still really early but I am hopeful. We have a new, wonderful doctor who is doing everything he can to help us. I will always have that worry and fear deep down but it will always be there. My husband is over the moon excited and can't wait to be a daddy. I have our next ultrasound next week and can't wait. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am not sure if my husband, nor I, could take another loss. I pray that everything will be ok.

And then this e-mail came on December 7 . . .

Well, we have unfortunately suffered our third loss. Last week at out 9 week appointment we found out that the baby had stopped developing. We were going to let the miscarriage happen naturally but the dr. called on Friday morning again and said they were worried it wouldn't happen naturally and would cause me more problems. So we had a D & C Friday night. I am doing ok, but I have my sad moments. My husband is taking it really hard. He doesn't understand and neither do I, since we were doing everything right. My dr. is going to run some more tests and wants to do a whole work up on me since he thinks it has something to do with clots. i am just glad that finally they are doing something to figure out what the problem is. (this is a new dr.) We are going to take a TTC break until Spring 2009.

To be featured in upcoming Memorial Mondays, please contact me by clicking on my profile link and then by clicking on my e-mail link. You can either write your story yourself or provide me with the details and I will do it for you. You may include pictures, poetry, whatever feels right. This is your memorial for your loss.


HereWeGoAJen said...

J, I am so sorry. You and your babies will be in my heart.

Savvy-Motherhood said...

I am really really sorry for your loss. I think you have a good plan in taking your TTC break. I pray that you have a beautiful Christmas and a blessed New Year. - donna

Ms. J said...

J -

I am deeply, deeply sorry for the loss of these much-wanted and loved babies. It is so painful to watch our husbands grieve, too. And for us to let them help us with our grieve at the same time.

Thinking of you,

Ms. J

Amy said...

J., I am so incredibly sorry for all of your losses. My heart aches for you.

I do hope that you get answers and I just know one day you will be a Mommy and your husband a Daddy to children here on earth.

Wishing you peace, Amy

J said...

so, I started reading this post and I was like, hey, wait a minute...that's me. :)
Thanks for posting this and to all of you who left wonderful comments. It's been hard but we are hoping for a great 2009! Happy Holidays too all!