Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Who You'd Be Today

In December of 2006, my husband and I were expecting our fifth baby. We were eleven weeks pregnant and after several early losses, this one was looking like "a keeper." Three ultrasounds had confirmed a great heartbeat and a wiggly little embryo that caused our RE is send us on our way with a request for baby pictures that summer.

We had nicknamed our sweet little one Gummy Bear and I had a feeling that it was a boy. It was right before Christmas and we'd had a heck of year, with four miscarriages in nine months. The sweet happiness of finally being really and truly pregnant had us walking inches off the ground. We were beyond giddy with our happiness. We had already told my family of our news and were planning to take our ultrasound picture framed in a Grandma ornament up to his family's house the very night of our OB appointment.

We never made it up to my in-laws that night. Instead, we watched our silent little baby float in a black space on a fuzzy screen and scheduled a D&C. Instead of handing my mother-in-law her first Grandma ornament, we returned the gift for a memorial angel to hang on our Christmas tree. And part of me died with my baby.

Little Gummy Bear's due date was July 2, 2007. Today, I remember my sweet Little One and think about what life would be like if he had lived. I'd no doubt be scurrying around organizing a party, baking a cake, taking him for his first haircut and placing the clipping in his baby book. I would be ready to watch him take his first steps (or running after him if he had already learned how to walk). I would be changing his diaper, reading his stories, worrying about what kind of mother I was being. These are all things that I so many times wondered if I would ever get the chance to do.

Yesterday, I heard a song on the radio that I had heard before: Who You'd Be Today by Ken.ny Ches.ney. It struck me with special meaning and I wanted to share it with you.

The video doesn't apply so much, but the words of the song certainly do. I am in a bit of my own hell today, thinking about the baby that could have been, what he would be like, who he would be. And yet, if Gummy Bear had lived, I wouldn't be feeling his little brother kick me right now. I am learning an important truth about motherhood: one child cannot replace another. My heart may be soothed today by the little one that I am nurturing inside of me, but it is still broken when I think about all that could have been and all that we have lost.

Tonight, we will add a stone angel to Gummy Bear's garden and light a candle to honor his memory. I will be glad for what we have been blessed with, our time with this special angel and all of the others, and I will vow never to forget them and what they mean to me.

Gummy Bear, I love you with all of my heart. Mommy misses you every single day. I hope you know how very much you mean to Daddy and me. We love you, precious Angel.


Mel said...

You made a pregnant woman cry!!
I honestly cannot imagine all you have been through, Katie. I think you are the stongest, most admirable person I have met through this blogging community, and my heart hurts for your hurt.
I hope you can find peace in the thought that your little Gummy Bear is safe with Jesus right now and watching over you and his little brother.

Ms. J said...

I am so sorry. I know it all still hurts.

It sure does for me, too. I know that too many "outsiders" (you know, the non-fertility challenged) think they pain and grief and loss melt away when there is baby on the way . . . but we know it doesn't. I, myself, still battle conflicted feelings about moving forward. I have found myself crying tears of joy, which then turn into tears of grief because I remember what we have lost along the way, even if it lead us to Lil' Pumpkin.

I am so deeply sorry about your Gummy Bear. Certain dates will always be hard, I know.

HUGS. Prayers.

G said...

My heart breaks for your loss, Katie. These dates, they haunt us with the what should have been.

Thinking of you and your Gummy Bear today.

Joy said...

You are very missed and loved, Gummy Bear!

Jen said...

I am so sorry. I'll be thinking of all of you today.

Amy said...

I'm thinking of you and your little one that is not here with you today. Wishing you peace.
Big hugs!

Deborah said...

You have continued to have hope and never stopped have honored your gummy bear by the way that you have choosen to live. You are an inspiration to me and many others. You are in my prayers on this very difficult day.
God Bless.

Fertilized said...

I am sitting here in tears. I am sending you lots and lots of hugs and thoughts today.
I think Deborah said id sweetly - you are honored and remembered gummi bear

K @ ourboxofrain said...

I'm so sorry, Katie. I'll be thinking of you and your family today.

Kathy said...

Thinking of you today Katie and honoring Gummy Bear's memory with you, your husband and Gummy Bear's big brother/your sweet baby boy.

I know from experience how hard unfullfilled due date anniversaries can be. Now and then I will see younger children at the park or look at my in-laws or friends' children and recall how old each of our angel babies would be now. I imagine how our life might be different had they lived and been born.

I appreciate your perspective on how if Gummy Bear had survived, you might not have your baby boy in quite the same way you do now.

I am praying for you today and sending you lots of healing thoughts. May you continue to rest in peace Gummy Bear and please give my Molly-girl a hug for me in Heaven.

Cibele said...

I am so sorry. I so understand what you mean, one child will never repalce the other. Hugs

Anonymous said...

Gone, but not forgotten, ever.

Ally said...

Oh, Katie, this is such a beautiful post. I know you are so thrilled to be pregnant, but I also know Gummy Bear still echoes in your heart. Will always echo in your heart.

Thank you for sharing this post with us-I know it is a painful one.

Much love to you.

Geohde said...

One child cannot replace another, but at the same time, I would not have my twins if my first baby had had a skull and brain.

I find it hard to think about that, still. How could I not want all 3 of my children?

Thinking of you today,


Anonymous said...


You are already a fantastic mother. I LOVED the video of you talking to your sweet little boy at 28 weeks!

It is my prayer, today and always, that in a few short weeks, you'll be holding your son & soaking in all his sweet baby-ness!

Beth (Michigan)

Yoka said...

Katie, I am thinking about you.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you and Gummy Bear. HUGS!!!

Samantha said...

I'm so sorry Katie. The pain is terrible to have a loss like that. Thinking of you and Gummy Bear.

Polka Dot said...

I hadn't heard that song and what a beautiful song it is. I hate that the song suits so many of us.