Will has never really been a good sleeper. Even in the early days, he was much more of an eater. Wake him to eat? Never had to do it. He was always ready and raring to go. I believe that I have had one stretch of four hours of sleep since he was born. Three was a stretch that I would consider good.
The past three nights, Will has had one two hour stretch and then been up every hour to hour and a half for the rest of the night.
I am exhausted.
The first night, I thought it was an aberration. I am still hoping for growth spurt. At each waking, I am trying not to rush right to shoving a boob in his mouth. However, shushing, walking, bouncing doesn't seem to soothe him. And trying to put him back down without a feed isn't working at all. He is also giving all of his usual hunger cues.
I tried giving him a formula "topper" last night, to no avail. This seems to be his newest sleeping schedule.
So, I am tired.
Very, very tired.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
A Rather Strange Thought
Here's today's random thought. What kind of birth control should I use?
That's right. It's almost time for my six week post-partum check. Friends have warned me that it's best to go in knowing what kind of birth control you would like to use because the doctor will be ready to write the prescription and not so hot on "just winging it". After all we went through to get our Little Man, it seems insane to me to even have to be thinking about preventing pregnancy when achieving it was my whole world not that very long ago. However, since getting pregnant wasn't always our problem, I do have to give this some thought.
There are many options, of course. Since we do want another baby eventually, we could just take our chances. After all, I am almost exclusively breastfeeding, so the possibility of getting pregnant is slim. But it is still there. And we have our hands pretty full with Will for the moment and would like to wait a minute on trying for the second baby. Plus, we have some frozen embryos that we'd rather not waste, so when we do go for number two, we'll probably go that route.
Then there are the progesterone-only birth control pills. But as my readers who were around during the IVF cycle will remember, one of my body's magic tricks is ovulating on BCPs. Of course, the pill combined with the breastfeeding should cover us pretty well. The only problem is that my combination post-baby brain and sleep deprivation lead me to be concerned that I might forget to take my pill. Baby brain is no joke.
Then, there is the injectible BC. I took that when my husband and I were first doin' the wild thang. I gained twenty pounds. Since I just gained and lost thirty pounds and have another ten to fifteen to go, I'd rather not get on that merry-go-round, thankyouverymuch.
But I do have to do something. I just can't take my chances. Not now.
See, it isn't even the getting pregnant that is the problem. If I were to get and stay pregnant right now or in the immediate future, well, that would just be a gift. Perhaps a bit earlier than expected, but really, we'd be okay and consider ourselves incredibly blessed. It's the very real possibility that we would miscarry again that scares the bejeemus out of me. I just don't feel emotionally or physically ready to handle that right now. I don't think it's fair to Will. Heck, I don't think it's fair to me. Or my husband.
My miscarriages just about did me in and I don't think it would be any easier now. I mean, yes, I have my miracle Will. But in some ways, that might make it harder. After all, now I would know what I was losing, not just the abstract. It's hard enough being a new mom without throwing in the physical and emotional insanity that comes with losing a baby.
My appointment isn't until Friday, so I have some time left to decide. But how weird is it to be contemplating birth control?
In a word? Very.
That's right. It's almost time for my six week post-partum check. Friends have warned me that it's best to go in knowing what kind of birth control you would like to use because the doctor will be ready to write the prescription and not so hot on "just winging it". After all we went through to get our Little Man, it seems insane to me to even have to be thinking about preventing pregnancy when achieving it was my whole world not that very long ago. However, since getting pregnant wasn't always our problem, I do have to give this some thought.
There are many options, of course. Since we do want another baby eventually, we could just take our chances. After all, I am almost exclusively breastfeeding, so the possibility of getting pregnant is slim. But it is still there. And we have our hands pretty full with Will for the moment and would like to wait a minute on trying for the second baby. Plus, we have some frozen embryos that we'd rather not waste, so when we do go for number two, we'll probably go that route.
Then there are the progesterone-only birth control pills. But as my readers who were around during the IVF cycle will remember, one of my body's magic tricks is ovulating on BCPs. Of course, the pill combined with the breastfeeding should cover us pretty well. The only problem is that my combination post-baby brain and sleep deprivation lead me to be concerned that I might forget to take my pill. Baby brain is no joke.
Then, there is the injectible BC. I took that when my husband and I were first doin' the wild thang. I gained twenty pounds. Since I just gained and lost thirty pounds and have another ten to fifteen to go, I'd rather not get on that merry-go-round, thankyouverymuch.
But I do have to do something. I just can't take my chances. Not now.
See, it isn't even the getting pregnant that is the problem. If I were to get and stay pregnant right now or in the immediate future, well, that would just be a gift. Perhaps a bit earlier than expected, but really, we'd be okay and consider ourselves incredibly blessed. It's the very real possibility that we would miscarry again that scares the bejeemus out of me. I just don't feel emotionally or physically ready to handle that right now. I don't think it's fair to Will. Heck, I don't think it's fair to me. Or my husband.
My miscarriages just about did me in and I don't think it would be any easier now. I mean, yes, I have my miracle Will. But in some ways, that might make it harder. After all, now I would know what I was losing, not just the abstract. It's hard enough being a new mom without throwing in the physical and emotional insanity that comes with losing a baby.
My appointment isn't until Friday, so I have some time left to decide. But how weird is it to be contemplating birth control?
In a word? Very.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
A Few Of My Favorite Things
There are a few things that I have loved, loved, loved since having Will. I know that each baby is different and some of these things will not be useful to you or your particular situation. But I loved reading posts like these before Will was born and got some useful suggestions from them. Enjoy!
1) Waffle-weave receiving blankets.
They have these at the hospital, which is probably my first big advice. Take everything from the hospital that you can. Trust me, you're getting billed for it anyway. I took everything from the receiving blankets, to those bulb-like nose destuffers, to the receiving blankets. I will admit this here - I even took a nursing gown with the front ties and wear it almost every night that it is clean! But back to the blankets. The waffle-weave ones are just the greatest. They are a good size for nice, tight swaddling and seem to have a bit of stretch to them to get the snuggest swaddle. If you don't want to be a hospital thief, then you can find these at JC Penn.ey's.
2) Soothies
If you are breastfeeding, Soothies are amazing for those first couple of weeks. I put mine in the freezer and it was heaven to put them on my sore nipples. I am not really using them anymore, but they were awesome in the beginning. I found mine at Fre.d Mey.er, but I think they have them at pretty much any drugstore.
3) These One.sies.
Yes, I know, there are a lot of One.sies out there, but these take the cake. They are made by Ger.ber have arms and cover their little fingernails and protect from scratches. They also have only two buttons at the crotch, which may not seem like a big deal, but it is. They are fabulous. They also make them that snap to the side so that you don't have to pull them over their head. Those are nice, too, but I like these because they don't ride up. At night, all Will wears are these and a swaddle blanket. We got ours at Tar.get.
4) These pants.
The ones that I use are made by Car.ter's. I got them as hand-me-downs and remember thinking, why would I need so many of these? Well, pair them with the above Onesies, and you have a great outfit for bedtime or daytime. If you are like me, you will be forever playing the "is my baby too warm/cold" game and this makes it easy to slip them on and off as you see fit. They are also easy for diaper changes, better than snaps. I have seen them at Tar.get for less money than at this link for Ma.cy's.
5) This Hoot.er Hider.
I just got this lovely item this week. It has to be my new favorite thing. I know, you can use a blanket, but trust me when I tell you that you will be forever readjusting the blanket and worried about slippage. Also, even the lightest blanket gets warm when you have a little baby snuggled up next to you. This is great because it stays put and the best part is that it has wire in the top which creates a little "window" so you can peak down and make sure that the baby is latched on. This also frees your hands to adjust as necessary. It even has a pocket for breast pads! Love. It. I got mine at Tar.get online with free shipping.
6) These diapers.
Actually, this advice came from the lovely Farah in a post rather similar to this one. She recommended these diapers and I love them. They are more expensive, I am not going to lie, but we have had no blowouts with these (and have with others), he seems more comfortable in these for longer, and they have a yellow stripe on the front that turns green when it is wet. This is especially convenient for those early days when they want you to count wet diapers. Our hospital also used these and the nurse was the one who threw them in our bag to take home (see, they encouraged my theiving). I have found them at any major store.
So, that's just a few of my current favorite things. I am sure that I will have more in the days and weeks to come!
1) Waffle-weave receiving blankets.
They have these at the hospital, which is probably my first big advice. Take everything from the hospital that you can. Trust me, you're getting billed for it anyway. I took everything from the receiving blankets, to those bulb-like nose destuffers, to the receiving blankets. I will admit this here - I even took a nursing gown with the front ties and wear it almost every night that it is clean! But back to the blankets. The waffle-weave ones are just the greatest. They are a good size for nice, tight swaddling and seem to have a bit of stretch to them to get the snuggest swaddle. If you don't want to be a hospital thief, then you can find these at JC Penn.ey's.
2) Soothies
If you are breastfeeding, Soothies are amazing for those first couple of weeks. I put mine in the freezer and it was heaven to put them on my sore nipples. I am not really using them anymore, but they were awesome in the beginning. I found mine at Fre.d Mey.er, but I think they have them at pretty much any drugstore.
3) These One.sies.
Yes, I know, there are a lot of One.sies out there, but these take the cake. They are made by Ger.ber have arms and cover their little fingernails and protect from scratches. They also have only two buttons at the crotch, which may not seem like a big deal, but it is. They are fabulous. They also make them that snap to the side so that you don't have to pull them over their head. Those are nice, too, but I like these because they don't ride up. At night, all Will wears are these and a swaddle blanket. We got ours at Tar.get.
4) These pants.
The ones that I use are made by Car.ter's. I got them as hand-me-downs and remember thinking, why would I need so many of these? Well, pair them with the above Onesies, and you have a great outfit for bedtime or daytime. If you are like me, you will be forever playing the "is my baby too warm/cold" game and this makes it easy to slip them on and off as you see fit. They are also easy for diaper changes, better than snaps. I have seen them at Tar.get for less money than at this link for Ma.cy's.
5) This Hoot.er Hider.
I just got this lovely item this week. It has to be my new favorite thing. I know, you can use a blanket, but trust me when I tell you that you will be forever readjusting the blanket and worried about slippage. Also, even the lightest blanket gets warm when you have a little baby snuggled up next to you. This is great because it stays put and the best part is that it has wire in the top which creates a little "window" so you can peak down and make sure that the baby is latched on. This also frees your hands to adjust as necessary. It even has a pocket for breast pads! Love. It. I got mine at Tar.get online with free shipping.
6) These diapers.
Actually, this advice came from the lovely Farah in a post rather similar to this one. She recommended these diapers and I love them. They are more expensive, I am not going to lie, but we have had no blowouts with these (and have with others), he seems more comfortable in these for longer, and they have a yellow stripe on the front that turns green when it is wet. This is especially convenient for those early days when they want you to count wet diapers. Our hospital also used these and the nurse was the one who threw them in our bag to take home (see, they encouraged my theiving). I have found them at any major store.
So, that's just a few of my current favorite things. I am sure that I will have more in the days and weeks to come!
Friday, September 26, 2008
Lesson Learned
I had heard this rumor from other Mom friends. That, somehow, babies know when their mothers have reached their wit's end and they have a good day.
Today was a good day.
It could have been Will. Or it might have been me. I decided that a change in attitude was required. My years of being a type A personality and planning my entire future seem to be really working against me right now. Instead of seeing each nap as a nap or each feed as a feed, I am seeing these things as life-long decisions that will change the very course of destiny for my son. If I don't put him in his crib today, am I setting him up for bad sleep patterns tomorrow? If I let him fall asleep at my breast today, will he be on a therapist's couch in ten or twenty years?
I also had a good dose of competitive mothering. Yesterday morning, I talked with a friend who has a little girl two weeks older than Will. Her daughter is only waking up once during the night and is on a nap schedule during the day. And sleeps in her crib. It made me feel as if I was doing something wrong that Will was not doing these things.
Last night, after posting and getting your lovely comments, I was deleting some old e-mails from my inbox and ran across a message from this friend from two weeks ago. In this e-mail, she was complaining that her daughter would not allow her to put her down for a nap! I keep forgetting that there are a couple of rules for parenting:
1) Never, ever compare yourself to another mom. Different baby, different mom, different situation. And half the time, other mothers aren't quite telling the whole truth anyway.
2) In newborn/baby time, two weeks is a lifetime. Even two days is like a year. They change so much each and every day that trying to compare your baby to another two weeks ahead isn't fair to anyone. It also breaks rule number one.
I broke both of those rules and I broke 'em bad yesterday. I deserved the dose of second guessing and tears.
So, today, I decided to play by Will's rules, instead of mine. I decided to do what he needs, not what I want him to do. It might have been that he was simply feeling better today, but I don't think that it's a mere coincidence that things went better today. We took a two hour nap together, I carried him in the Bjorn when he wouldn't be put down by himself, and he even put himself to sleep in his crib for a twenty minute nap. There was a part of me still second-guessing myself, but it felt so much better and he seemed so much happier.
And that's what is really important.
So please remind me of that when I forget it again!
Today was a good day.
It could have been Will. Or it might have been me. I decided that a change in attitude was required. My years of being a type A personality and planning my entire future seem to be really working against me right now. Instead of seeing each nap as a nap or each feed as a feed, I am seeing these things as life-long decisions that will change the very course of destiny for my son. If I don't put him in his crib today, am I setting him up for bad sleep patterns tomorrow? If I let him fall asleep at my breast today, will he be on a therapist's couch in ten or twenty years?
I also had a good dose of competitive mothering. Yesterday morning, I talked with a friend who has a little girl two weeks older than Will. Her daughter is only waking up once during the night and is on a nap schedule during the day. And sleeps in her crib. It made me feel as if I was doing something wrong that Will was not doing these things.
Last night, after posting and getting your lovely comments, I was deleting some old e-mails from my inbox and ran across a message from this friend from two weeks ago. In this e-mail, she was complaining that her daughter would not allow her to put her down for a nap! I keep forgetting that there are a couple of rules for parenting:
1) Never, ever compare yourself to another mom. Different baby, different mom, different situation. And half the time, other mothers aren't quite telling the whole truth anyway.
2) In newborn/baby time, two weeks is a lifetime. Even two days is like a year. They change so much each and every day that trying to compare your baby to another two weeks ahead isn't fair to anyone. It also breaks rule number one.
I broke both of those rules and I broke 'em bad yesterday. I deserved the dose of second guessing and tears.
So, today, I decided to play by Will's rules, instead of mine. I decided to do what he needs, not what I want him to do. It might have been that he was simply feeling better today, but I don't think that it's a mere coincidence that things went better today. We took a two hour nap together, I carried him in the Bjorn when he wouldn't be put down by himself, and he even put himself to sleep in his crib for a twenty minute nap. There was a part of me still second-guessing myself, but it felt so much better and he seemed so much happier.
And that's what is really important.
So please remind me of that when I forget it again!
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Like Coffee, This One's Been Brewing. . .
So, this post might lose me some readers. I have noticed that my traffic has been decreasing pretty steadily since Will made his arrival. I get that. I think a lot of people saw me through the safe arrival of my son and have moved on. It's a bit sad for me, but once again, I get it. It's hard to read about yellow babies with jaundice and sleeping through the night, when you are so depressed that you are green with envy and sleeping through the day. I've been there.
When I write what I am about to write, I realize that I might lose the rest of you. But I have always tried to be honest on this blog, so I am going going to change tactics now.
Being a new parent is hard.
Yes, I know, duh. Right? Of course, I knew that. I had seen my friends go through this. I knew it would be tough. I knew that it would change everything. I knew that I would have moments where I didn't know what to do.
What I didn't know, what you can't learn from the sidelines, is that I would feel this way every day. I didn't know that I would second-guess myself constantly. I didn't know that the nighttime feedings wouldn't bother me at all, but my son's refusal to nap without be held would reduce me to tears. I didn't know that watching him squirm in pain from the gas and not be able to do anything would make me feel so hopeless. I didn't know that I could feel like such a failure when I can't soothe him and big tears well in his eyes. Tears.
Perhaps it is infertility still rearing its ugly head. Kind of like when I was pregnant and suffering from horrible morning sickness, I would feel bad complaining. And if I did complain, people would say, "Well, this is what you wanted, right?" They were and still are correct. I wanted a baby, I wanted to be a mom. I suppose if I am really honest, I also wanted it to be easy after everything else had been so hard.
I also think that with infertilty, babies take on this status that they could never really achieve in real life. My poor angel babies are revered in my minds eye. They never cry, I was the one shedding all of the tears. I always knew I was a good parent to them in mourning them as I did. Now, my greatest fear is that I am failing Will, that I am not a good mom. This is what I have wanted, fought for, given my everything for, and I am afraid that I am not quite living up to the task.
All of this is not to say that I would go back to my infertile life. Not for every dollar in the world. I love Will and I have faith that this will get easier and that I will get better at it. It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be.
And sometimes, I cry tears, too.
When I write what I am about to write, I realize that I might lose the rest of you. But I have always tried to be honest on this blog, so I am going going to change tactics now.
Being a new parent is hard.
Yes, I know, duh. Right? Of course, I knew that. I had seen my friends go through this. I knew it would be tough. I knew that it would change everything. I knew that I would have moments where I didn't know what to do.
What I didn't know, what you can't learn from the sidelines, is that I would feel this way every day. I didn't know that I would second-guess myself constantly. I didn't know that the nighttime feedings wouldn't bother me at all, but my son's refusal to nap without be held would reduce me to tears. I didn't know that watching him squirm in pain from the gas and not be able to do anything would make me feel so hopeless. I didn't know that I could feel like such a failure when I can't soothe him and big tears well in his eyes. Tears.
Perhaps it is infertility still rearing its ugly head. Kind of like when I was pregnant and suffering from horrible morning sickness, I would feel bad complaining. And if I did complain, people would say, "Well, this is what you wanted, right?" They were and still are correct. I wanted a baby, I wanted to be a mom. I suppose if I am really honest, I also wanted it to be easy after everything else had been so hard.
I also think that with infertilty, babies take on this status that they could never really achieve in real life. My poor angel babies are revered in my minds eye. They never cry, I was the one shedding all of the tears. I always knew I was a good parent to them in mourning them as I did. Now, my greatest fear is that I am failing Will, that I am not a good mom. This is what I have wanted, fought for, given my everything for, and I am afraid that I am not quite living up to the task.
All of this is not to say that I would go back to my infertile life. Not for every dollar in the world. I love Will and I have faith that this will get easier and that I will get better at it. It's just a lot harder than I thought it would be.
And sometimes, I cry tears, too.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Finally! Mellow Not-So-Yellow
Taking Will off of breastmilk for 48 hours did the trick. As of today, his billirubin levels are normal! And he went back on the breast like a champ.
At our one month appointment today, Will weighed in at 10 lbs, 11 oz. The little piggy gained 11 oz. since last Friday! He is still 22 inches long so, as you can imagine, he is turning into a bit of a chub. He has these little rolls on his thighs and arms and they are just adorable. How I wish those same rolls were cute on my thighs and arms!
At five weeks post-partum, I have lost all of my official baby weight. However, there are still ten pounds of what I like to call my IVF weight that seem to be sticking around for the duration. I am trying not to let my flabby stomach and thighs get to me too much. After all, I have handsome little boy to show for it!
My biggest battle these days is the gas monster that has set up residence in Little Man's tummy. We have tried gripe water and My.licon. Neither seems to be helping. I am also pedaling his little legs against his tummy. Sometimes that works to get some gas out, but he still seems pretty miserable. Any advice on gas is welcome. Or anything else for that matter!
At our one month appointment today, Will weighed in at 10 lbs, 11 oz. The little piggy gained 11 oz. since last Friday! He is still 22 inches long so, as you can imagine, he is turning into a bit of a chub. He has these little rolls on his thighs and arms and they are just adorable. How I wish those same rolls were cute on my thighs and arms!
At five weeks post-partum, I have lost all of my official baby weight. However, there are still ten pounds of what I like to call my IVF weight that seem to be sticking around for the duration. I am trying not to let my flabby stomach and thighs get to me too much. After all, I have handsome little boy to show for it!
My biggest battle these days is the gas monster that has set up residence in Little Man's tummy. We have tried gripe water and My.licon. Neither seems to be helping. I am also pedaling his little legs against his tummy. Sometimes that works to get some gas out, but he still seems pretty miserable. Any advice on gas is welcome. Or anything else for that matter!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Yellow Fellow
So yesterday, I was nursing Will, and I thought to myself, "He is looking yellow again."
Now, he doesn't look as yellow as he did a few weeks back, but the tint was there. And when he opened his eyes after his afternoon nap, I noticed the whites were not looking so white. I tried to tell myself that I was being silly and that jaundice doesn't come back, but I couldn't ignore the yellow tinge of Will's skin.
I called the pediatrician so that the nurse could have a good laugh at my silly first time motherness, but instead, they told me that jaundice can come back. So, we went into the doctor for the first time in two weeks.
Yes, folks, his jaundice is back. Or, more likely, it never really went away. We are still waiting on blood work for the actual levels, but at least I don't feel stupid for going in. I really do love our pediatrician and she is so good about not making me feel silly.
The good news is, she doesn't think it is severe. It is somewhat concerning that he still has any jaundice, but it is actually somewhat common in breastfed babies. The cure is to, once again, take Will off of breastmilk, this time for 36 hours. I pump and store my milk, he gets formula.
I am taking this in much more stride this time - what a difference it makes when the hormone crash isn't happening at the same time that you are dealing with a sick infant! We are really established with breastfeeding now and I am pretty sure that he will go back to the breast at the end of the time off. If not, then I would be okay with pumping, too. I am also going to treat myself to a nice glass of wine for dinner and then dump that milk. It will be nice to enjoy an adult beverage for the first time since I can't remember when. I know the "experts" say that a drink now and then while breastfeeding is okay, but I just don't feel right doing it. No judgment on anyone else! Logically, I think it's fine to indulge every now and then. Emotionally, it just feels weird when I go to actually drink the alcohol and I can't enjoy the drink because of that.
I am not happy that he is still still yellow, but the doctor doesn't seem concerned, so I am going to follow her lead. We have a follow up appointment next week, so I'll keep you posted!
Now, he doesn't look as yellow as he did a few weeks back, but the tint was there. And when he opened his eyes after his afternoon nap, I noticed the whites were not looking so white. I tried to tell myself that I was being silly and that jaundice doesn't come back, but I couldn't ignore the yellow tinge of Will's skin.
I called the pediatrician so that the nurse could have a good laugh at my silly first time motherness, but instead, they told me that jaundice can come back. So, we went into the doctor for the first time in two weeks.
Yes, folks, his jaundice is back. Or, more likely, it never really went away. We are still waiting on blood work for the actual levels, but at least I don't feel stupid for going in. I really do love our pediatrician and she is so good about not making me feel silly.
The good news is, she doesn't think it is severe. It is somewhat concerning that he still has any jaundice, but it is actually somewhat common in breastfed babies. The cure is to, once again, take Will off of breastmilk, this time for 36 hours. I pump and store my milk, he gets formula.
I am taking this in much more stride this time - what a difference it makes when the hormone crash isn't happening at the same time that you are dealing with a sick infant! We are really established with breastfeeding now and I am pretty sure that he will go back to the breast at the end of the time off. If not, then I would be okay with pumping, too. I am also going to treat myself to a nice glass of wine for dinner and then dump that milk. It will be nice to enjoy an adult beverage for the first time since I can't remember when. I know the "experts" say that a drink now and then while breastfeeding is okay, but I just don't feel right doing it. No judgment on anyone else! Logically, I think it's fine to indulge every now and then. Emotionally, it just feels weird when I go to actually drink the alcohol and I can't enjoy the drink because of that.
I am not happy that he is still still yellow, but the doctor doesn't seem concerned, so I am going to follow her lead. We have a follow up appointment next week, so I'll keep you posted!
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