I have technically been a SAHM for over a year now (I was on maternity leave for six months of that, but still full-time at home with Will), and I have to say, I encounter a lot of misconceptions and myths about being in my line of work. It is frustrating and demeaning to have what I do taken so lightly and with less consideration than what someone might do outside of the home. So, I will attempt to debunk some of those myths right here and now.
MYTH: Nap times are my time for eating bon bons.
FALSE. Nap times are not my downtime. Nap times are my times to get things done. Things like laundry, cleaning the house, dishes, paying bills, etc. I might take a few minutes for myself to take a shower or have a quick bite to eat, but for the most part, I am busier during naptimes than when Will is awake.
MYTH: SAHMs just play all day.
FALSE. While I am not going to lie and say that I have never have fun and just play with Will, I will say that only a small part of my day is truly spent "playing." It is a lot of hard work. I am not trying to say that it isn't fun work, it isn't fulfilling work, it isn't important work, because it is. It's just not all fun and games. Like any job, it has its good days, its bad days, its ups, its downs.
MYTH: My husband must make a ton of money and/or we just "lucked" into my being able to stay home.
FALSE. Okay, here's the thing. My husband doesn't make a ton of money. We live in one of the most expensive areas of the country in terms of housing and grocery costs. And WE MAKE IT WORK. It took planning, saving, prioritizing, and doing without some things in the past when I was making a salary. Now that I am not bringing in any income, it takes budgeting, clipping coupons, and having discipline. I do consider myself so blessed to be able to stay home with Will, but it didn't just happen.
MYTH: SAHMs are frumpy and never shower or put on makeup.
FALSE. I encounter this one quite a bit. People are always so surpised to see me wearing makup or cute shoes or trendy clothes. Again, this does take effort, but it's important to me. I do know lots of SAHMs who don't make an effort in this area, and that's fine, but for me, it is one thing that I have never sacrificed. I do get a shower every day and have every day since Will was 5 days old. If I leave the house (and most days, I do), I make sure to have at least some makeup on and my hair in decent condition. I don't wear sweatpants unless I am working out. I put on jeans and cute shoes. My husband has never once come home to find me still in my pjs. Even moms who do stay in their sweats all day still know how to clean up for a girls night out or to work a part time job. Being a SAHM doesn't mean that you let yourself go or stop caring about your appearance. Some mothers don't seem to care as much about this, but those same women probably wouldn't care as much if they were working outside the home, either.
Look, I get it. Before I was a SAHM, I had an entirely different vision of what it would be like. I thought I would have more free time, more time to relax, but it just isn't true. Being a SAHM is a job without weekends, time off, sick days, or retirement. There are no excuses, no one else to step in and do the dirty work, no switch hitters or substitutes - just like a mom who works outside of the home - it all falls on our shoulders.
I do not judge people for working outside the home, in fact, I almost made that decision myself. There are days when I miss working outside the home, the financial security that it brought us. Although I believe that me being at home is the best thing for our family, I know it's not the same for everyone. I think that is what is bothering me most of all. The fact that other moms are the ones that seem to judge and find the role of the SAHM lacking the most.
I worked a very difficult job for 10 years before being a SAHM and you know what? Being a SAHM is just as difficult, but without the paycheck, positive feedback, and RESPECT that it deserves. I know there are challenges to being a working mother, too, and they have my respect for what they face day-to-day. I know it isn't easy, because I don't think being a parent is easy, whether you are working inside or outside of your home.
What is your greatest challenge as a SAHM or WOHM? What myths do you want to debunk about either experience?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Something To Talk About
I hadn't heard about this until today, but I think it's a great idea.
Infertility may not be something to celebrate, but surviving it certainly is.
I now "get" to celebrate Mother's Day, but it's not without a heck of a lot of survivor's guilt. I cannot fully enjoy such a "special" day, knowing so many of my dear friends are still "Waiting Parents."
But this? This I can celebrate (each link with THIS goes to a different site, for your reference).
It's a ways off, but something I will definitely be remembering, and I thought it appropriate to reference this day on my blog. It's something we can all celebrate.
Infertility may not be something to celebrate, but surviving it certainly is.
I now "get" to celebrate Mother's Day, but it's not without a heck of a lot of survivor's guilt. I cannot fully enjoy such a "special" day, knowing so many of my dear friends are still "Waiting Parents."
But this? This I can celebrate (each link with THIS goes to a different site, for your reference).
It's a ways off, but something I will definitely be remembering, and I thought it appropriate to reference this day on my blog. It's something we can all celebrate.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Hitting It Right On the Nose
Something that I didn't share from my post earlier about our weekend at my parents, is that it started out with a bang. . . literally.
I had borrowed a cookie cutter from a neighbor a few days prior. As we were packing up the car, she texted me and let me know that she needed it back. I got it and went over to her house to return it. We often borrow things from each other and we just leave the items on each others' porches.
So, I went up her front stairs, and as I neared the top, I slipped (it had been raining and the wooden steps were wet). I reached out to stop myself, but didn't manage to, and slammed my nose into the banister. I heard a horrifying pop, which I am still not sure if it was my teeth slamming together or my nose breaking, either way, it HURT.
Well, actually, at the moment I did it, it didn't hurt at all. To me, the worst injuries I have ever gotten are those that don't hurt right away. I think the flight or fight mechanism and all that kicks in to play. I calmly set the cookie cutter on her front mat, walked back to the car, and got in as if nothing had happened.
I might have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for the very small fact that my nose was puffing up like a biscuit in the oven and M noticed it right away. "Oh, my God, what did you do to your nose?"
You know how when someone reacts to an injury you haven't seen yet, it almost makes it worse, because you imagine it looking AWFUL? Well, that's kind of what happened to me right then, only I was too scared to look. At this point, my body's defense mechanisms were no longer protecting me from the pain and it had really started to hurt. I also started to feel a little light headed.
Now, the car was packed. The house was locked up. We were actually on time for our departure to my parents' (this is practically unheard of). We had a three hour drive ahead of us, an overtired Will who had been kept up in the hopes that he would sleep for this drive, and two eager-to-go dogs in the back seat. M ran in to get me some ice wrapped in a towel. I finally managed to look at myself in the mirror and was pleasantly surprised. I thought I would look terrible, but honestly, with the exception of a red, swollen spot on the left side of the bridge of my nose (the impact point), I didn't look that bad.
M wanted me to go to the urgent care clinic, but I didn't want to waste two hours of our day. I knew that if it was broken, there was nothing they could do for my poor nose, anyway. I texted a friend of mine, who is an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor and asked him if he thought I should be seen. He asked a few questions (Did I have clear fluid coming from my nose? No. Were my eyelids puffy? No. Could I breathe out of my nose? Yes.) and then said to take some Tylenol, apply ice, and try to enjoy the weekend.
I took did as he instructed and felt pretty miserable for the drive down. However, it started to feel better by the afternoon. Sleeping that night was kind of uncomfortable and I would say it was more swollen when I woke up Sunday morning. I am definitely a little congested and my left eye is a little black. My nose doesn't look that bad, though, and I have never really liked my nose anyway. I figure if I end up needing some sort of reconstructive surgery down the line, it will be a bonus, right? Well, maybe not quite, but I am trying to be positive.
I had borrowed a cookie cutter from a neighbor a few days prior. As we were packing up the car, she texted me and let me know that she needed it back. I got it and went over to her house to return it. We often borrow things from each other and we just leave the items on each others' porches.
So, I went up her front stairs, and as I neared the top, I slipped (it had been raining and the wooden steps were wet). I reached out to stop myself, but didn't manage to, and slammed my nose into the banister. I heard a horrifying pop, which I am still not sure if it was my teeth slamming together or my nose breaking, either way, it HURT.
Well, actually, at the moment I did it, it didn't hurt at all. To me, the worst injuries I have ever gotten are those that don't hurt right away. I think the flight or fight mechanism and all that kicks in to play. I calmly set the cookie cutter on her front mat, walked back to the car, and got in as if nothing had happened.
I might have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for the very small fact that my nose was puffing up like a biscuit in the oven and M noticed it right away. "Oh, my God, what did you do to your nose?"
You know how when someone reacts to an injury you haven't seen yet, it almost makes it worse, because you imagine it looking AWFUL? Well, that's kind of what happened to me right then, only I was too scared to look. At this point, my body's defense mechanisms were no longer protecting me from the pain and it had really started to hurt. I also started to feel a little light headed.
Now, the car was packed. The house was locked up. We were actually on time for our departure to my parents' (this is practically unheard of). We had a three hour drive ahead of us, an overtired Will who had been kept up in the hopes that he would sleep for this drive, and two eager-to-go dogs in the back seat. M ran in to get me some ice wrapped in a towel. I finally managed to look at myself in the mirror and was pleasantly surprised. I thought I would look terrible, but honestly, with the exception of a red, swollen spot on the left side of the bridge of my nose (the impact point), I didn't look that bad.
M wanted me to go to the urgent care clinic, but I didn't want to waste two hours of our day. I knew that if it was broken, there was nothing they could do for my poor nose, anyway. I texted a friend of mine, who is an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor and asked him if he thought I should be seen. He asked a few questions (Did I have clear fluid coming from my nose? No. Were my eyelids puffy? No. Could I breathe out of my nose? Yes.) and then said to take some Tylenol, apply ice, and try to enjoy the weekend.
I took did as he instructed and felt pretty miserable for the drive down. However, it started to feel better by the afternoon. Sleeping that night was kind of uncomfortable and I would say it was more swollen when I woke up Sunday morning. I am definitely a little congested and my left eye is a little black. My nose doesn't look that bad, though, and I have never really liked my nose anyway. I figure if I end up needing some sort of reconstructive surgery down the line, it will be a bonus, right? Well, maybe not quite, but I am trying to be positive.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Parenting Safari
Thank you for weighing in on the flu vaccination yesterday. While I am not sure it really helped me make any decisions (each of you make such compelling arguments), at least I know that I am not alone in my confusion regarding what decision is the best.
Parenting sure is hard work, isn't it? Wow, that's exactly the kind of comment that would have irritated me when I was struggling to have a baby. I would have thought, "Duh. It's hard work. That's what you sign up for when you have a baby. Now, stop complaining about it!"
I am not complaining, but parenting is challenging. And it's not the expected problems that really knock me for a loop. It's the things like this that you never really think of that really hit you hard. When you are dreaming of having a baby, your toughest questions are "What color should I paint the nursery?" not "Should I vaccinate my baby with an untested, potentially ineffective strain of flu?"
It's just one of the many unexpected dilemmas I have faced since becoming a mom. It sometimes feels as if I am on this African Safari, without map or guide, just friendly locals (other moms and dads) to help along the way. There could be a perilous turn this way, but you don't know it. You just use blind "logic" and something called "your gut." You hope for the best, you do your best, and you sometimes make mistakes and just pray your kid(s) don't pay for it.
Good luck to all of us on this parenting safari!
Parenting sure is hard work, isn't it? Wow, that's exactly the kind of comment that would have irritated me when I was struggling to have a baby. I would have thought, "Duh. It's hard work. That's what you sign up for when you have a baby. Now, stop complaining about it!"
I am not complaining, but parenting is challenging. And it's not the expected problems that really knock me for a loop. It's the things like this that you never really think of that really hit you hard. When you are dreaming of having a baby, your toughest questions are "What color should I paint the nursery?" not "Should I vaccinate my baby with an untested, potentially ineffective strain of flu?"
It's just one of the many unexpected dilemmas I have faced since becoming a mom. It sometimes feels as if I am on this African Safari, without map or guide, just friendly locals (other moms and dads) to help along the way. There could be a perilous turn this way, but you don't know it. You just use blind "logic" and something called "your gut." You hope for the best, you do your best, and you sometimes make mistakes and just pray your kid(s) don't pay for it.
Good luck to all of us on this parenting safari!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Turning To You Again
Okay, kids, let's play another round of "What Would My Blog Readers Do."
I am really, truly, and completely unsure of what decision to make in regard to Will getting the H1N1 vaccination. Normally, I am 100% in favor of vaccinations, but this one makes me a little nervous. Several prominent members of the CDC have expressed concern about the safety of the vaccination and voted against its release.
Our pediatrician is advocating it, and I do trust her opinion. However, it just seems extra scary to give Will such an unproven medication.
What are you going to do? Please direct me to any reading materials and sources that have helped you to make your decision. If you are also still trying to make a decision, here are some resources that I have found along the way.
WHO Says Vaccine Safe
Some Say No to H1N1 Vaccine for Kids
Local Doctor Answers H1N1 Vaccine Questions
CDC Site: Q&A on 2009 H1N1 Vaccination
Government to Intensely Track H1N1 Shot Side Effects
I am really, truly, and completely unsure of what decision to make in regard to Will getting the H1N1 vaccination. Normally, I am 100% in favor of vaccinations, but this one makes me a little nervous. Several prominent members of the CDC have expressed concern about the safety of the vaccination and voted against its release.
Our pediatrician is advocating it, and I do trust her opinion. However, it just seems extra scary to give Will such an unproven medication.
What are you going to do? Please direct me to any reading materials and sources that have helped you to make your decision. If you are also still trying to make a decision, here are some resources that I have found along the way.
WHO Says Vaccine Safe
Some Say No to H1N1 Vaccine for Kids
Local Doctor Answers H1N1 Vaccine Questions
CDC Site: Q&A on 2009 H1N1 Vaccination
Government to Intensely Track H1N1 Shot Side Effects
Monday, October 5, 2009
A Nice Weekend
I have posted many times on this blog about my relationship with my mom and how she has been less-than-enthusiastic about Will. In an interest to show both sides, it's only fair that I report on this past weekend and how wonderful it was to spend it with my parents and have them both take an avid interest in their grandson.
When we arrived on Saturday morning, my parents both rushed out the door to meet us at the car. My mom had lunch on the table, Will's little booster seat already set up, and plate just for him with kid-friendly foods cut up into small, kid-friendly bites.
My dad sat on one side of Will, M on the other and they fed him lunch. My mom smiled at him from across the table. Will's latest word is "Grandma," so I think that furthered his cause. How can you not be in love with a thirteen month old who can say your name? Will also charmed his grandfather, because although he cannot say Grandpa, he called him Papi, I think because it's close to a word he has been saying for a long time, puppy. But there is a distinct difference in how the two sound and he only said Papi when prompted to say Grandpa.
My little brother also showed an interest in him, which was a nice change. He got out some of his old cars and played with Will for a little while. At one point, one of the dogs started growling at another dog, and my brother picked up Will and moved him out of the way (previously, he has never held Will in any fashion, even when asked to). He was rewarded with Will toddling after him, calling "Wobby, Wobby!" SO freakin' cute.
Will was so well-behaved this weekend that I couldn't help but be so proud of him. He slept all the way down to my parents (a three hour drive) and then was an angel in the restaurant where we celebrated my dad's 60th birthday party. It's not a fancy restaurant, by any means, and kid-appropriate, but service took awhile and I got nervous. We were there for two hours. Will sat in his booster seat for all but the last twenty minutes, happily eating several new foods (olives, white bread with butter and jam - my mom was shocked he's only had whole wheat, and his first bite of vanilla ice cream). I don't mind him having treats when we are out, because that is how I eat. I try to be healthy and eat well at home, but when I go out, I like to have things that I normally wouldn't. The last twenty minutes, he sat happily in M's lap. He didn't cry, fuss, or make a scene and I got to sit at the table for the whole dinner.
Will slept the whole night through in his pack-n-play and my mom made a huge breakfast in the morning that he gobbled up. She loves cooking for people and Will is an appreciative diner. He even threw in an "ooooooh, eggs!" for her special breakfast quiche, which earned him another serving!
It was just so nice to see my parents enjoy their grandson, and even nicer to see Will have such a good time with them. It made me wish that we could spend another night while we were on a roll, but perhaps the old vaudeville saying is true. . . "Always leave 'em laughing and wanting more."
We were in town for just barely 24 hours. There was no drama, no hurt feelings, no tears, no disappointments. I was sad to leave, which is a first in a very long time.
It was a nice weekend.
When we arrived on Saturday morning, my parents both rushed out the door to meet us at the car. My mom had lunch on the table, Will's little booster seat already set up, and plate just for him with kid-friendly foods cut up into small, kid-friendly bites.
My dad sat on one side of Will, M on the other and they fed him lunch. My mom smiled at him from across the table. Will's latest word is "Grandma," so I think that furthered his cause. How can you not be in love with a thirteen month old who can say your name? Will also charmed his grandfather, because although he cannot say Grandpa, he called him Papi, I think because it's close to a word he has been saying for a long time, puppy. But there is a distinct difference in how the two sound and he only said Papi when prompted to say Grandpa.
My little brother also showed an interest in him, which was a nice change. He got out some of his old cars and played with Will for a little while. At one point, one of the dogs started growling at another dog, and my brother picked up Will and moved him out of the way (previously, he has never held Will in any fashion, even when asked to). He was rewarded with Will toddling after him, calling "Wobby, Wobby!" SO freakin' cute.
Will was so well-behaved this weekend that I couldn't help but be so proud of him. He slept all the way down to my parents (a three hour drive) and then was an angel in the restaurant where we celebrated my dad's 60th birthday party. It's not a fancy restaurant, by any means, and kid-appropriate, but service took awhile and I got nervous. We were there for two hours. Will sat in his booster seat for all but the last twenty minutes, happily eating several new foods (olives, white bread with butter and jam - my mom was shocked he's only had whole wheat, and his first bite of vanilla ice cream). I don't mind him having treats when we are out, because that is how I eat. I try to be healthy and eat well at home, but when I go out, I like to have things that I normally wouldn't. The last twenty minutes, he sat happily in M's lap. He didn't cry, fuss, or make a scene and I got to sit at the table for the whole dinner.
Will slept the whole night through in his pack-n-play and my mom made a huge breakfast in the morning that he gobbled up. She loves cooking for people and Will is an appreciative diner. He even threw in an "ooooooh, eggs!" for her special breakfast quiche, which earned him another serving!
It was just so nice to see my parents enjoy their grandson, and even nicer to see Will have such a good time with them. It made me wish that we could spend another night while we were on a roll, but perhaps the old vaudeville saying is true. . . "Always leave 'em laughing and wanting more."
We were in town for just barely 24 hours. There was no drama, no hurt feelings, no tears, no disappointments. I was sad to leave, which is a first in a very long time.
It was a nice weekend.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Facing My Past
Yesterday, I did something that I have't done since February 2008.
I went to our fertility clinic.
Don't worry, I haven't been leaving you out of anything exciting, we are still on hold for when to start our FET cycle. I just needed to pick up some paperwork and donate some old medications that expire in a few months.
When I pulled into the parking garage, I could feel the tension start to build in my stomach. As I got Will into his stroller and gathered our things, I could feel my heart beating faster. We headed up in the elevator, and I got a vague sick feeling that was all-too-familiar.
There are so many memories in that building, and most of them not good. Nearly every time I went there for two years, it was a bad experience. I was either going for a painful test, or going for a beta that wasn't good, or having a conversation with Dr. M about yet another failed pregnancy or cycle.
I know so many people that are blessed with amazing REs, that they feel an insane connection to them. I was not so lucky. Dr. M is a talented doctor and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me the gift of my son, but I cannot say that I have any feelings for her beyond that. She is a very straightforward, no-frills doctor. There is nothing wrong with that, but it kept me as a straightforward, no-frills patient.
I never sent pictures of Will to the office, I had never been in to visit before today. Part of that is that I hated it when people brought their babies in (even if I knew they were IF babies, if I was there on a really bad day, it was stillin the wound) and the other part is that it's not convenient to get there and I honestly didn't think Dr. M would give a hoot.
Seeing as she walked right by us in the lobby and didn't stop and say hello, pretty much confirms that thought. To be honest, I don't care. I was trying to get in and out as quickly as possible, given the fact that I only had a half hour of free parking ando, ourse, the fact that I had Will with me and I didn't want to cause anyone in the waiting room any pain.
The receptionists remembered me and were excited to meet Will. They were eager to find out when we would be back to "claim" our embryos. They gave me the paperwork and when another couple came in behind me, I made my great escape.
As I stepped off of the elevator into the parking garage, I started to cry. Nothing bad happened. I got my paperwork, I was in and out of the office in less than 15 minutes. But all of those memories. . . all of those feelings. . . I have tried to shut the door on infertility, to leave it where it belongs, which is in my past.
I realized something yesterday.
I am ready for another baby.
I am not ready for what it might take to have one.
I went to our fertility clinic.
Don't worry, I haven't been leaving you out of anything exciting, we are still on hold for when to start our FET cycle. I just needed to pick up some paperwork and donate some old medications that expire in a few months.
When I pulled into the parking garage, I could feel the tension start to build in my stomach. As I got Will into his stroller and gathered our things, I could feel my heart beating faster. We headed up in the elevator, and I got a vague sick feeling that was all-too-familiar.
There are so many memories in that building, and most of them not good. Nearly every time I went there for two years, it was a bad experience. I was either going for a painful test, or going for a beta that wasn't good, or having a conversation with Dr. M about yet another failed pregnancy or cycle.
I know so many people that are blessed with amazing REs, that they feel an insane connection to them. I was not so lucky. Dr. M is a talented doctor and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me the gift of my son, but I cannot say that I have any feelings for her beyond that. She is a very straightforward, no-frills doctor. There is nothing wrong with that, but it kept me as a straightforward, no-frills patient.
I never sent pictures of Will to the office, I had never been in to visit before today. Part of that is that I hated it when people brought their babies in (even if I knew they were IF babies, if I was there on a really bad day, it was stillin the wound) and the other part is that it's not convenient to get there and I honestly didn't think Dr. M would give a hoot.
Seeing as she walked right by us in the lobby and didn't stop and say hello, pretty much confirms that thought. To be honest, I don't care. I was trying to get in and out as quickly as possible, given the fact that I only had a half hour of free parking ando, ourse, the fact that I had Will with me and I didn't want to cause anyone in the waiting room any pain.
The receptionists remembered me and were excited to meet Will. They were eager to find out when we would be back to "claim" our embryos. They gave me the paperwork and when another couple came in behind me, I made my great escape.
As I stepped off of the elevator into the parking garage, I started to cry. Nothing bad happened. I got my paperwork, I was in and out of the office in less than 15 minutes. But all of those memories. . . all of those feelings. . . I have tried to shut the door on infertility, to leave it where it belongs, which is in my past.
I realized something yesterday.
I am ready for another baby.
I am not ready for what it might take to have one.
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