Thursday, October 1, 2009

Facing My Past

Yesterday, I did something that I have't done since February 2008.

I went to our fertility clinic.

Don't worry, I haven't been leaving you out of anything exciting, we are still on hold for when to start our FET cycle. I just needed to pick up some paperwork and donate some old medications that expire in a few months.

When I pulled into the parking garage, I could feel the tension start to build in my stomach. As I got Will into his stroller and gathered our things, I could feel my heart beating faster. We headed up in the elevator, and I got a vague sick feeling that was all-too-familiar.

There are so many memories in that building, and most of them not good. Nearly every time I went there for two years, it was a bad experience. I was either going for a painful test, or going for a beta that wasn't good, or having a conversation with Dr. M about yet another failed pregnancy or cycle.

I know so many people that are blessed with amazing REs, that they feel an insane connection to them. I was not so lucky. Dr. M is a talented doctor and I will be forever grateful to her for giving me the gift of my son, but I cannot say that I have any feelings for her beyond that. She is a very straightforward, no-frills doctor. There is nothing wrong with that, but it kept me as a straightforward, no-frills patient.

I never sent pictures of Will to the office, I had never been in to visit before today. Part of that is that I hated it when people brought their babies in (even if I knew they were IF babies, if I was there on a really bad day, it was stillin the wound) and the other part is that it's not convenient to get there and I honestly didn't think Dr. M would give a hoot.

Seeing as she walked right by us in the lobby and didn't stop and say hello, pretty much confirms that thought. To be honest, I don't care. I was trying to get in and out as quickly as possible, given the fact that I only had a half hour of free parking ando, ourse, the fact that I had Will with me and I didn't want to cause anyone in the waiting room any pain.

The receptionists remembered me and were excited to meet Will. They were eager to find out when we would be back to "claim" our embryos. They gave me the paperwork and when another couple came in behind me, I made my great escape.

As I stepped off of the elevator into the parking garage, I started to cry. Nothing bad happened. I got my paperwork, I was in and out of the office in less than 15 minutes. But all of those memories. . . all of those feelings. . . I have tried to shut the door on infertility, to leave it where it belongs, which is in my past.

I realized something yesterday.

I am ready for another baby.

I am not ready for what it might take to have one.


Anonymous said...

I felt the EXACT same way when we went back to our RE for a consult. I was a giant pile of emotions and that point I wasn't sure that I was ready to start TTC right then. I wasn't even sure that I was ready to start testing and figuring out what road to take when TTC again.

It's overwhelming. It's scary. It's just as hard to go back after a baby as it is to go in before you've had one because the thought of knowing what you're in for is just too much.

I'm glad that you've come to a place where you are ready for another. I will be praying for you and wishing you the absolute best, sweetie. ((HUGS))

Joy said...

Praying God gives you the courage and strength as you plan the addition of your next sweet family member(s)!

Fertilized said...

i also have these same feelings towards my RE - I never sent him a picture or a thank you or nothing. I am so sorry this is what yuo have to go through to build your dream.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

I couldn't have said that any better myself!

Christine said...

You never know. It may be easy for you to have number 2. It took me 4 years, 2 miscarriages and 6 ivf cycles to have my daughter(she just turned 1 on 10/1) I decided last may/june to do IVF again. I was not really ready but since having my daughter was so difficult I wanted to start sooner than later. Well IVF #7 worked the first time and I am 18 weeks along with twins. yikes!
Hopefully 1 FET will be it for you. Good Luck. I truly enjoy your blog.

Katie said...

Thanks, Ladies. It is so nice to know I am not alone on this one. And, Anon, I am sure hoping 2nd time around is MUCH easier! Good luck with your twins!

Stacey said...

Katie, I can relate to this too. Even though I don't have a baby yet, just getting back into the routine of going to that office again after more than a year is so hard. I think I'm ready to try again for another pregnancy but the memories of loss are still so fresh. This is such a hard road all the way around. I hope that your next steps will come as easily as possible. Sending you happy and hopeful thoughts!