Thursday, October 15, 2009

The Very Worst Thing

A terrible thing happened yesterday.

A good friend of mine is 36 weeks pregnant with her second daughter and third pregnancy. I have written about her here before, as she and I both suffered first trimester losses a couple of years ago.

She has not feeling well for the past few weeks of her pregnancy. She has had a bladder infection, lots of contractions, and feelings of intense pressure. Her doctor put her on bed rest last week. She went in on Monday for some tests, including fetal monitoring. Everything looked okay with the baby, but she was contracting and dilating. A lung maturity test indicated that it would be best for the baby to have a few more days in the womb, so they sent her home.

She called me yesterday morning because she hadn't felt the baby move in 24 hours. She felt silly calling the doctor after just having been in for all of the testing a day before. I told her to err on the side of caution and call in.

She called me two hours later.

The baby died. She was going to be admitted last night and induced. I haven't heard from her yet today.

I am at a loss as to what to say or do. If any of you with later term losses can chime in, I would really appreciate it. Obviously, I want to do everything that I can to be there for her, but I don't want to be overly intrusive either. I appreciate your advice.


Beth said...

wow. no words, but your story leaves me breathless. I cannot imagine.......

I don't have any advice, but have been following this blog for a while:

Praying for your friend.

Amanda said...

My heart goes out to her and her family.

the d'angelo family said...

I'm heartbroken. Having gone through this in March with my sister (she was 37 week and all was well at her appointment only for 4 days later to find out my nephew had died in her womb), it's still so raw. The best advice I can offer is to listen. Listen to the best of your ability, whether it's to listen to her cry, scream, or just talk. Don't try to comfort her with stories of other women and their much as it seems it will help, they only care about their loss at that moment.

Good luck and I'll be praying for your friend.

Nicky said...

One of my friends had a stillborn baby a few years ago. Be sure to call her and check up on her; my friend says that it was horrible feeling like her friends were avoiding her just because they didn't know how to help.

Also, be absolutely sure that she's plugged into some stillborn support resources, including talking to someone who has been there before and gotten through it. Absolutely vital.

Mrs. Piggy said... :( poor thing...

HereWeGoAJen said...

Oh my. I am so sorry.

I'm the L&F clicker for Stillbirth and Neonatal Death. If you want to email me, I'll start putting together some stuff that might help a little.

Stacey said...

Just want you to know I'm praying for your friend. I am so, so sorry to hear that.

Joy said...

My heart is breaking for your friend. There are never any words but your presence, your listening ear and patience are all that she needs right now.

I'd like to suggest getting people together (through church or friends or wherever) and help plan meals for them. That was one thing I lacked when I went through my losses (though mine were early losses) and I stopped eating, didn't want to cook, etc.

Fertilized said...

this just hurts my whole body for your friend

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Been there. Done that.

The worst thing that people did was avoid me because they didn't know what to do or say. It was in the days, months and years that followed...where my truest friends emerged. Those friends didn't ignore that I had just had a baby but rather helped me mourn the loss and then celebrate the life (when I was ready).

Just be there for her. Don't tell her you understand...just let her cry. You don't need to say a word. Just give her a hug.

One of the nicest things someone did for me was buy me the book "Tear Soup: A Recipe For Healing After Loss" by Pat Schwiebert and Chuck DeKlyen...with a big pot of soup. It explains grief in a very simple yet profound way and with this friend I have shared many pots of soup since. It let me know that this friend was going to be there for me come rain...and come shine.

And she has.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

One more thought (sorry for the long post...)

She gave me a blank journal with the book with a little encouragement to write my feelings down. Although I am a horrible became my grief journal and it's been something that I've come to cherish over time.