Monday, October 13, 2008

What A Difference A Year Makes. . .

I was going through some old posts the other day and found this one.

I remember writing this post. I remember the emptiness, the feelings of utter despair, the very real thought that I would never be a mother.

Infertility sucks. Big time. Why do any of us have to endure feelings like this that continue to haunt us even after we get our miracle babies?

I dream a lot of dreams where Will is taken away from me, either through death or someone coming to my door and asking for him back. I truly think that is why I get so crazy when things aren't going well or I feel as if I can't figure something out.

I am afraid that someone will realize that I am not quite up to the task and take my sweet baby away.

But at least I have more hope this year.

What a diference a year makes.

6 comments:

Elle Charlie said...

Thank you for sharing that glimpse into the past. I'm sure it's painful for you to remember, but for someone who's flagging in the hope department, it is a powerful reminder that good things can come at the most surprising of times.

I felt shivers up and down my spine when I read that past post. I know it's not how you feel right now, but I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It makes my heart ache to imagine you were ever feeling so hopeless. I'm so glad you were blessed with your son.

Fertilized said...

It is so very true

Jen said...

I am so glad that you are here this year, instead of there.

Mrs. Piggy said...

I go back to my old posts too. I can still put myself in that frame of mind, and it still seems like "now" is not real. I have dreams Im a bad mommy, hell, i AM a bad mommy sometimes.
I am always afraid this has all been a big grandiose dream and I'm going to wake up...

Joy said...

Isn't it amazing how far you've come?! You're doing an awesome job!!!

Ms. J said...

You said it, sistah.

Last week I came across an email I had written to a friend detailing how upset I was at the obstacles in our paperchase, and how long the wait for China already was. Little did I know that we would switch to the "Child of Promise" program (minor medical issues), and BOOM, wind up with Lil Pumpkin's referral only 2 months thereafter.