My last few posts have been on the negative side. I am sorry for that. How many times did I read new parents lamenting about newborn woes and think, "I'd give my left arm to be up with my baby eight times a night."
I want one thing to be very, very clear. Will is my life, my world, my love. I would hold him all day and all night if that was what was best for him. Lately, however, even me holding him doesn't seem to assure that he will rest well, and not having enough sleep can be damaging to a baby's health and well being. I get to a point where I start feeling panicky as the minutes tick by and Will does not get the sleep that I know he needs. I start wondering what kind of mother cannot provide her child with the basic elements of survival.
Last night, my husband also pointed out that with as little sleep as I am getting, no wonder I am getting short tempered and frustrated. I agree that I am both of those things, but I am not frustrated with Will or even what appears to be his short sleep-cycles. I am frustrated with myself. After waiting this long and wanting this so much, I want to do it right. I want to be a good mother, I want my son to know that he is safe and loved, I want him to thrive.
The thing about these parenting books is that there are so many and each advocate a different method of parenting: attachment, cry-it-out, scheduled, demand feeding, clock feeding, Ferberize, Parent Controlled Feeding. You name it, it's out there. It makes it so difficult to feel as if you are doing anything "right," because while one book might advocate it strongly, another can make just as convincing of an argument against it. No matter what you choose, you can feel is if you are still doing it all wrong.
The good news is that each day is a different day. Each nap is a new opportunity for me to get Will to sleep. And while I wrote this, Will slept in his crib. For almost an hour now. It's a small victory, but it gives me hope that, one nap, one feed at a time, we'll get there.