Night Owl

Sleep, ah sleep.

I posted a lot about it during Will's newborn days. It was the angst of my early momhood.

Will has actually been a fantastic sleeper since about 11 weeks on. He did have a touch of the 4-month sleep regression, and of course, we've had the odd night here and there. But for the most part, he is solid STTN guy.

This week, that has not been the case. He goes to bed just fine and then wakes up screaming bloody murder at about 11:30 PM. Since he has never had trouble STTN, I have always just gone in and done a little rocking or cuddles to calm him and get him back to sleep.

The problem now is that even if I do rock him, the moment that I set him in his crib, he starts screaming. He is ready to get up and play. The first couple of nights, I indulged him. He had been wrist deep into his mouth during the day and I could see a pesky tooth poking its way through. I gave him some Ty.lenol and a "chewy" (our word for teething ring) and rocked and read and sang. . . for three hours. In the past, even if he had one or two bad nights, he was back to his old STTN habits shortly.

We are now on night FIVE. I am afraid a habit has begun. The night before last, desperately in need of some sleep myself, I did do modified CIO. I hate CIO with a passion, but I love the results. I laid in bed and cried while he laid in bed and screamed. I had to have a little pep talk with myself: Teaching my child to sleep is my job. He will not be emotionally scarred from CIO. He is not in there feeling abandoned and alone. I went in every few minutes and, eventually, he went to sleep, but I could hear the hiccups and snuffles on the monitor for quite some time and it broke my little heart.

Of course, as in all times of crisis 'round these parts, I turn to the good Dr. Google. Most of what is recommended to do we already do. And have been doing since he was six weeks old. He has a bedtime routine, we put him down drowsy but awake, he takes a scheduled nap, we use a fan for white noise, etc. He is dressed warmly enough (but not too warm), he has a comfort "lovey," and a humidifier.

The only thing that Dr. Google mentioned that got me thinking was that any change in his schedule or new developments could throw sleep off. We recently started attending church and leaving him in the church nursery. He hates it. According to the reports, he doesn't cry the whole time, but he is always crying when we leave and crying when we return. The women there are kind and lovely and say that they hold him the entire time.

His separation anxiety has been a lot higher lately. I can't even walk away from him to go to the bathroom sometimes. He really freaks out. M thinks that we should force the nursery issue because he has to "learn" to be away from us sometime. I think that if you "force" someone already freaked out about being abandoned to be left with virtual strangers, that might not make for good results.

Now, I really don't know that this is what has caused our recent string of night wakings, but it's the only thing that is different. Last weekend, we went to two church events, and his usual friend that goes with us didn't go to either, so he was truly "alone" in the nursery. The night wakings started then. My concern is that if it's separation anxiety that is causing the night wakings, does doing CIO solidify his fears and just make it all worse.

So. . . any advice? Any strategies? Thoughts?

Spot On

First off, thank you for the wonderfully supportive comments. I wanted to check in today and let you know that I am still spotting, but it seems to be less and is all that brown "old blood" stuff that is supposedly okay. I don't trust spotting, it has never heralded good things for me in early pregnancy, but I am trying to keep a positive outlook.

I still haven't called my OB. I am not really sure why I am waiting. I guess I just don't want to go through the hassle of getting a beta if this spotting turns to bleeding. So, if I have still not had any red blood by Monday, I will call in. Until then, I guess I am PUPO.

It's been awhile since I have posted pictures of Will. These make me smile, no matter what! I hope they do the same for you.

Here he is in his monkey costume from Halloween.


Here we are at the mall for indoor trick-or-treating.


Here he is at my parents' house - in the rocking chair that was mine as a little girl.


Here is one of my favorite pictures. Will makes this face a lot. We call it his "O" Face. He does it to get a laugh out of us. . . and it rarely fails. Oh, and he is "driving" a bus at the Children's Museum here.

The Nose Knows

Well, after taking the test at 13 DPO and not seeing even a hint of an evaporation line (and yes, true to POAS-aholic form, I did dig it out of the trash to check. Twice.), I decided that it really hadn't happened for us this month.

I went about my business, but I couldn't help but notice my ever-increasing need to pee, tender breasts, and vague crampy feelings. Oh, yeah, and no period even though I am very regular. So, after ignoring the signs for three whole days, I caved to the Pee Stick Goddess and bought a two pack of cheapie tests at Tar.get.

When Will and I got home from running errands, I took the test. The second line came up very quickly. The line is clearly there. No squinting, tilting, or taking the test apart.

I am pregnant.

A multitude of feelings washed over me. Excitement, happiness, fear, elation, anxiety, love, and more. I shed a few tears of happiness. No matter how many times you see that second line come up, it never fails to humble you and make you grateful for this gift of new life. I wondered what to do next. Clearly, tell my husband that his nose was right, after all.

But how? The Hall.mark, cheesy "You're gonna be a daddy again!" thing has never worked for us. What is supposed to be a happy moment turns bittersweet and I feel stupid for it later.

But that line. It's so dark.

I decided to heck with it. We deserve our Hall.mark moments and I am not going to doom this pregnancy from the beginning. I am not going to be all woebegone and sad. I am pregnant, gosh darn it.

I took the test and taped it to the inside of a small box. On the inside of the box, I wrote Baby (Last Name) and the Due Date. I wrapped it in Christmas paper and when M got home last night, I had Will carry the package to him. He said, "What's this?"

I told him that Will and I thought he should have the first gift of the holiday season. He opened it up and the huge smile that came over his face was pretty precious. It was definitely our Hall.mark moment as we stood there in the hallway, just the three (wait, now four!) of us. Will loves "group hugs," so he happily engaged in a long one with us.

I served dinner and we talked about a lot of other things, but New Baby kept coming up. When would I call the doctor? When would I have my first ultrasound? When should we tell people? When should we clean out the second bedroom? What projects needed to be done before I get too huge to help?

Will has been having some significant night waking the past week, so I have been exhausted. After getting him to bed at 7, we snuggled on the couch for a few minutes before I decided to head up early, desperate for a chunk of sleep. As I got up, M patted my tummy and said, "Night, Baby."

Awwww. Talk about Hall.mark.

I went upstairs to use the bathroom.

Brown.

Cruddy.

Spotting.

Not a ton, but definitely not a little.

I know, I know. It could be implantation spotting, irritated cervix, blah de blah blah blah. And I said I wasn't going to be all gloom and doom.

But still.

13 DPO

Well, I finally gave into the call of the pee-sticks today. Who would ever have thought that me, the self-proclaimed poas-aholic could wait all the way until 13 DPO? Not me.

And as for the results of my pee-a-thon? Let's just say that I am not going to be that girl who miraculously gets pregnant on her first TTC-again cycle.

I am a bit surprised that M's nose was wrong, but at least I didn't start my "Know From Implantation" Campaign yet. Just think of the mass-recall.

M asked if I was disappointed. I guess that I am, but not that soul-crushing, mind-numbing disappointment that I used to experience after a BFN. After all, we just started trying. I really can't be surprised that it didn't work and definitely can't be truly disappointed. Not really.

So many people don't even have their first miracle, so I feel a bit (maybe more like a lot) greedy if I am disappointed that I don't yet have my second. And we have lots of options and time.

But (she says in a tiny, very small, very embarrassed and ashamed voice) I guess if I am completely honest, I am disappointed. And disappointed in myself for feeling that way.

Password, PLEASE!

I have lost contact with three of my sidebar ladies who have recently gone password protected. If any of you are still reading, please let me know how to become a reader of your blog. I miss you!

12 DPO. . . Hands Starting To Itch

Those of you that can remember way back two years ago, might remember that I have my waterloo day, my day of reckoning, my day of I'm either am or I am not. That day is 13 DPO. I have been pregnant quite a few times and I always have had a 2nd line by that magical day. If the line ain't there by then, it just ain't gonna be. Not that month anyway. If a pee stick is still sans two lines at 13 DPO, I don't need it to be digital, because it is clearly saying, "Better luck next time and your consolation prize is your freakin' period, thankyouverymuch."

Well, if you are following along with my oh-so-clever titles, you can see that tomorrow will be that fateful day.

Today is clearly not that day. However. . .

Gah, I want to pee. I want to pee on a stick so badly that my hands are getting all itchy, creepy-crawly. It's occupying a lot of my thoughts. When Will and I were playing with his Jr. Doctor kit this morning, the tongue depressor started calling my name and I had to cross my legs, because it looked just like a FRER.

I really honestly don't know if I am pregnant. M's nose has never failed me and I have some interesting "things" going on, which include vaguely tender breasts, some intermittent cramping, and (one of my most interesting early pregnancy symptoms) more saliva in my mouth than usual. However, I also know that the thought that I "could" be pregnant also "could" be responsible for these so-called symptoms.

I can't promise that I will make it until tomorrow to test, but I have to admit, I am pretty gosh darned proud of myself for making it this far without giving in to the call of the sticks. They are getting mighty loud.

11 DPO

I had a question regarding progesterone use during pregnancy. I will not be using any assistance at all from now until February. Our problem was determined to be likely egg maturity issues. I say likely because all hormonal tests came back as normal. There is no indicator that I have any egg issues at all.

However, when we went through the IVF cycle, I had 23 follicles retrieved and only 13 were mature. This is a low maturity rate, especially for someone who has had no other markers for egg quality issues and was 28 years old at the time of the cycle. Dr. M theorized that my eggs are probably almost aways immature (since so many were immature on a medicated cycle) and immature eggs do not have all of the genetic material needed for a healthy embryo. This would be why most of my losses are of the very early nature. However, she also said that it would not be impossible for a mature egg to make it down the chute and, if that happened, we would be good to go.

So, why try it our own at all, when there is such a low chance for success?

Well, to be honest,we can't really afford to do a FET until after the first of the year. We have no fertility coverage through my husband's health insurance. Even with a cash discount, it will still be close to $4000 for the FET and subsequent monitoring. Although we could take this money from our savings, we prefer not to, so we are saving separately for it and also plan to add some of my husband's annual bonus.

And call me romantic, but I still haven't given up on the romantic notion of having a glass of wine and having S-E-X with my husband. I know, I know. I've always been an optimist!

We figure there isn't much harm in giving it a try for the next few months. We have an appointment with our RE in January, so we probably won't try that month, since that would be the cycle we would want to start everything.

So, that's where we are right now. If we end up going the FET route, we will have all of the normal supportive measures that any other FET would have. I am not sure if my RE would prescribe the Lovenox this time around. That was more for peace of mind than it was for any indicated use last time.