Tuesday, December 21, 2010

On Grieving

I don't have the heart or energy to post about Days of Christmas right now. I'll do a recap in a few days.

Losing Jack has really hit me hard. But it has also caused me to treat our remaining animals better, so there is a hidden blessing even in tragedy.

Everywhere I turn, my little dog isn't there. He slept curled against my legs at night and I think it is there that I miss him the most.

His "remains" (how I detest that word) are waiting for us at the vet. I don't have the heart or energy to pick those up either.

I know that this is still a fresh wound, but I am already impatient with myself in this grief. I have felt the loss of a human at Christmastime (Gummy Bear in 2006). I realize that compared to what others are grappling with right now, this loss is so minor. So I try to buck up and move on. Sometimes, that is easier to do.

His collar is still in the basket in the front hall. I see it every time I leash Rocky to take him for a walk. I should probably put it away, but for some reason, I can't. I did vacuum up some fur that I knew was his. The finality of that action made me stand still and cry.

I did put his food dish away, but the empty place where it sat on the kitchen floor nags me. It just seems like the house is much more empty than usual all around.

I still "see" him, in the shadows of Will's bedroom, where he used to patiently wait for me to "rock rock" Will to sleep. I still "see" him on the rug, where he used to lie, waiting for me to get out of the shower. I still "see" him at the back door, when I just let the dogs out. I still "see" him many places, but he isn't really there. The permanence of loss is much harder to see.

I know there are greater and deeper losses than the loss of a pet. I know that. But it still hurts.

8 comments:

HereWeGoAJen said...

Well, there are bigger losses, but that doesn't make this one any more real. It's okay, Katie, you lost someone that you spent every day with. It will take a lot of time to reconcile that.

Radiant Readhead said...

oh sweetie, I am so sorry about your pup! do NOT downplay this grief! I know I have had a full term loss, but if either of my puppies died, I think it would just about kill me right now. They ARE my babies, and they have brought me such joy in the hardest time in my life, so I cannot even imagine losing them. my husband would probably call me crazy because we lost our daughter for God's sake, but my connection and bond with my pups have gotten so strong, I can imagine with all the heartache you have experienced in your past, that your pups became your little support system too. I am so sorry about your loss!

cgd said...

thinking of you and sending lots of love your way. This is a real loss, you do not need to justify this, go easy on yourself.

It is what it is said...

Ah, the shadows. Strangely they brought me comfort as I thought of them as my spirit companion.

You may want to consider changing things up a bit with your routine and your other pets. Move the food/water dish to another part of the kitchen, hang the leash elsewhere, if you go out the front door on walks, try going out the back. Creating a new normal might help you feel better in these early days even if you revert to status quo down the line.

Laura said...

Yes, I remember those shadows. And almost a year after losing Toby, sometimes the shadows are still there. Let yourself grieve. He was someone who was there for you in the highs and lows...of course you miss him. Thinking of you.

Searching said...

Our pets fill a void in our lives, are there through so many tears and such agony. They love us anyway and steadfastly give us a shoulder whenever we need it. How would you NOT still miss him??? My husband picked up the ashes of my sweet old dog for me. I just could not. I could not pay for it either, just went in the car and bawled. They are in a hand carved little box above my monitor. I don't know what to do with them, but until I do, there he will sit. It hurts, esp combined w/Gummy's anniversary. I'm so sorry. Take it easy on your heart. A friendship that took years to create will take more than a week to get over. It's okay.

Rebecca said...

Oh man...I'm so sorry. As much as I complain about Dog, I can't imagine this house without her. Hang in there...

Christy said...

Of course it hurts, and you are entitled to wade through your grief even though others may have "bigger" losses. A loss is a loss, and it's ok to grieve. It'll take time, don't rush it.