Saturday, January 31, 2009

My Nightmare, Their Reality

I found this blog through a blog of a blog of a blog.

Please go extend your thoughts and prayers to this family who lost their little girl to cancer on Friday.

I can't even imagine.

Friday, January 30, 2009

We Interrupt My Pity Party With The Happiest News EVER

There are times when Gus and Angus have to move on over and out. . .

With nothing but pure, unadulterated joy, I happily announce the happiest miracles of all.

Kathy is pregnant! And if there was ever a family that deserved this miracle, it is the Bensons! Even Gus is celebrating!

Scoot your little bottoms over there and wish her luck. . .



What are you doing still reading this. . . go give that girl some love!

The Lingering

Well, judging by the comments to my last post, a lot of us out there have a Gus.

My own Gus has receded once again, back into the shadows of my infertile mind, but he has left an impression on me with his visit.

I think I still might need help.

After the first miscarriage, I went to see a therapist. I was in bad shape, not eating or sleeping for over a week, losing ten pounds, and my husband was worried. I only went a few times, felt better, and then used the learnings from those sessions to carry me through the next two losses. After Gummy Bear died, I went back to the therapist, because I was a mess. I kept seeing her until about my seventh month of pregnancy with Will. I just felt that I wasn't really getting anything from the therapy any longer and just didn't feel as if I needed it.

I think I might have been wrong. My therapist advised against quitting, but you know, I figured I knew myself best.

However, all of these months later, I still find myself very focused on infertility. I still grieve very much for my lost babies. I can't be happy for other people when they announce a pregnancy. I mean, yes, eventually, I get on board and can go to baby showers and all that jazz. But I don't like the way my mind works when it comes to All Things Baby.

We drove past our fertility clinic the other day, for the first time since we had been there back in the first trimester. I had a physical reaction, felt dizzy, couldn't breathe very well, and was sick to my stomach. I was distracted for the rest of the day, feeling very caught up in everything infertile.

I feel as if I am still doing a lot of looking backward and not forward. I treasure Will so very much and I don't think that he is suffering because of my infertility fixation, but I still don't feel that it is healthy. I almost think it's kind of weird.

I still feel a lot of anger. I am angry that we had to try so long and lose so many babies. I am angry that we have to plan for Baby #2 in a way that most people don't, including timing for possibly more miscarriages. I am angry that we have to budget for the conception of Baby #2 and say things like, "Well, we won't probably be able to afford to take a vacation the year that we have our FET." I am angry that every six months, we have to pay to store our embryos, sign a release form, and think about those tiny little brothers or sisters sitting on ice.

I still feel broken. I still wonder why me, why us, why our babies? I thought that once I had a successful pregnancy, this feeling would go away. It did for a little while, but now it's back.

I still feel very sad. I still cry when I think about those dark days of blood, loss, and death. I miss my babies so much. I look at Will and try to put a positive spin on it, saying to myself, "Well, we wouldn't have him if those other babies have lived."

Then I think, "But I mother shouldn't have to think like that."

And I'm angry all over again. To be honest, infertility just really frosts my cookies. I mean, c'mon, what the heck?! There are people shaking babies, tossing them into dumpsters, slapping their kids around, not feeding them dinner . . . and then there are so many people that would kill for just one, or really would like to have two, and those people are good parents and should have as many babies as they want.

Yikes. I guess my Green Eyed Monster Gus has an evil twin Monster, Angry Angus, I shall call him. It really doesn't make them any cuter to name them, does it?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I Shall Call Him Gus

There is an evil little green eyed monster living inside of me.

I have decided to call him Gus. Gus The Little Green Eyed Monster.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Calling this monster by a cute name does not make it any more cute.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I have survived a full-term pregnancy. As a result of those nineish months, I have one of the most adorable babies ever known to man. He is healthy, he is thriving, he is napping, he is sleeping, he is eating, he is even pooping - albeit in the bathtub, but still! He is happy, bouncing baby boy.

So, why is it that I still cannot hear a pregnancy announcement without Gus moving in? Why is it that even when I don't know the person well, it still irritates me that they are pregnant? It's especially bad if I know that they "weren't even trying" or "we got pregnant the first month" they tried.

Do I wish infertility and all of its hell on people? Absolutely not.

So, I ask again, what in the world is the matter with me?

Does anyone else out there have a Gus? And what do you do about yours?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Constantly Constipated

Could you please answer me a question, dearest bloggy friends?

Why is it that Will can only poop in the bathtub?

This charming little trend started about two weeks ago. The first time he did it, I freaked. I am normally not really that much of a germaphobe, BUT he has taken to sucking on the washcloth that I put in the tub with him. So, if I am not quick, he is essentially sucking poo-water.

Of course, I immediately take him out of the tub, rinse him with fresh water, and then proceed with the rest of bedtime. After he is down, I then scrub out the tub. My mother says that I shouldn't worry, that it's only a phase, but he seems constipated much of the time. I give him prune juice mixed in with his rice cereal in the mornings and we have cut back on the bananas, even though he desperately loves them. We introduced sweet potatoes to get a bit more fiber and pears are next. With all of that, he still gets red and grunts a lot, with nothing but a bit of gas to show for it.

But if I want him to poop for sure, I can just place him in the tub, and zammo! Floaties.

I believe the water probably relaxes him, but I would like other methods of getting things moving. Advice gladly accepted.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Memorial Monday

This week's Memorial Monday post is in honor of Thanh, who wrote in for his wife, Lisa, and their two angel babies.

Dear Katie,

Could you please use our story for memorial monday? Just copy and paste my e-mail if you don't mind.

My wife Lisa is the most amazing wife and will make a wonderful mother. We have lost two babies to PROM both in the second trimester. The first baby was a girl and we delivered her ourselves at home since we didn't have time to get to the hospital and didn't realize that she was in labor until it was too late. Our second baby was born last month in the hospital after several weeks of bedrest and two surgeries to help the baby stay in. The baby was a boy.

My wife has read your blog since before your son was born and I know she finds a lot of happiness in knowing that even bad stories have happy endings. I would really appreciate it if you could post our story for her because she is so sad and some days does not even get out of bed. I think that she would find it nice to have some support from your other readers.

Thank you for being so kind to others who have lost babies. It is very hard to lose babies and feel that no one cares for you or them.

Thank you.


To be featured in upcoming Memorial Mondays, please contact me by clicking on my profile link and then by clicking on my e-mail link. You can either write your story yourself or provide me with the details and I will do it for you. You may include pictures, poetry, whatever feels right. This is your memorial for your loss.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Much Ado About Nothing

Yeah, so it turns out that I am not great at keeping secrets.

I have had a lot of readers send me e-mails guessing what the big secret is. For the most part, they are right.

For the few that wondered if I was pregnant, the answer on that is no.

If you are really interested in knowing what all of the fuss is about, you can e-mail me and I am happy to share. I am just choosing not to post about a private decision in a public forum so that it doesn't possibly cause problems for us. You'll probably be a bit disappointed when you find out what the secret is. You'll probably think, "Is that all?!?"

Like most decisions in life, it's probably not as big as I think it is right now. For example, I remember being really torn about whether or not to actually do IVF. I felt like it was the "last stop" on the infertility road and if that didn't work, we would be out of options. I hemmed and hawed and it turned out to be the very best decision we've ever made. Ever.

Of course, that's what being human is all about. Weighing the pros, examining the cons, making lists of benefits, asking all of your friends, and second-guessing yourself. In the end, the best decision is usually pretty obvious to you, but it sometimes takes awhile to see it.

It is usually the decision that in your gut feels right. It's the decision that you argue for when everyone else argues against it. It's the decision that even when you feel like you've "made" the other choice, your heart keeps telling you what you really want to do. In the end, it doesn't matter how many pros are on your list, or how many friends say one way or the other, or even which one makes more "sense." It's the one that makes you feel better when you make it. You might always wonder about the path not taken, but usually, once you have decided to go down one road, you don't spend a lot of time looking back. Or if you did really mess up, you can use that experience to make different choices next time.

All that being said. . . I still don't know what to do, but I'll get there.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


My bloggy friend Farah had a great idea. . . she had her readers ask her random questions and she provided the answers.

So, feel free to ask anything you'd like. I'm pretty much an open book. . . ask away!


Cassandra asked why we chose Will as the nickname for William, rather than Bill, Willie, or William.

Will was named after my late-grandfather, who already has namesake - my Uncle Bill. My husband also has an Great-Uncle Bill. So, we wanted to keep things from getting confusing. Also, we both really like the nickname Will, so it was really just a matter of preference. My mother-in-law and my dad both call him William some of the time and I am sure I will, too, when he is in BFT (big, fat trouble). What really appealed to us about the name William is that there are so many shortened versions that he can choose the one that he really would like when he gets older.

Jen asked what kind of books I like to read.

Ha! Who has time for reading?!

Seriously, however, I do love to read and I am finding more and more time as Will's schedule starts to even out. I don't really have a favorite author or genre, since it really depends on what I am in the mood for. Sometimes, I want something truly mindless like a cheesy romance novel, other times, I want something more serious and intellectual. Usually, I settle in the middle with a suspense thriller or some chick lit. Authors that I like include Elizabeth Berg, Lisa Scottoline, Laura Wolf, Anita Shreve, Sophie Kinsella (and I am very excited to see the Shopaholic movie, so long as they don't ruin it), Jane Green, James Patterson, Jonathan Kellerman, Ann Rule, and John Sanford. Just to name a few.

Of course, I also am enjoying quite a selection of children's books lately, my current favorites (because they make Will laugh) are The Belly Button Book and Pajama Time by Sandra Boyton and Peek-A-Boo, I Love You by Sandra Magsamen.

Farah asked if I have an i.pod and what my favorite songs are.

I have to say that I do have an i.pod and that I love it. Love. It. Some of my current favorite songs are "Where I Stood" by Missy Higgins and "Unbelievable" by Craig David. I am also a HUGE Michael Buble fan so I have every single song that he has ever recorded on my pod, my favorites being "Home", "You Are Not Alone", and "Everything".

She also asked what the one thing in the world is that I cannot live without.

That's easy. . . Will!

But, less seriously, I really wouldn't want to live without Ameri.can I.dol. Yes, I am afraid to admit that I am very much addicted to that show right now. But I am not a fan of the fourth judge, so I am hoping she is just temporary.

Anonymous asked when I will reveal the big secret that I have been blogging about.

Alas, dear readers, I am even less able to reveal the secret now than I was a few weeks ago. Just when I thought we had really and truly made our decision, a complete monkey wrench was thrown in. Seriously, life can be kind of crazy sometimes. As soon as we have made a definitive choice, I will be posting all about it. Promise, cause things might get kind of crazy around here and I will need some serious advice.

Christine asked when I am going back to work.

February 20th is my return to work date.

Joy asked about my decorating style.

I don't know if my decorating style falls under any particular category. In our formal living room and master bedroom, we have mission style furniture, flowing drapes, and muted colors. In our family room, we have more modern black furniture and brighter colors. My kitchen is done in warm tones and has a wine theme. Just around the house, we have a lot of black frames, black and white photography, candles, etc.

I'd have to say that overall, my style is more of a philosophy derived from when I was in my first post-college apartment. I asked an older girlfriend where she got her inspiration for her decoration style (which I loved). She said that the key to interior decorating is to surround yourself with things that have special meaning to you and you will always have a beautiful home. For example, her living room had framed paintings from her kids, a straw hat her mother used to wear hanging from a peg on the wall, a quilt her grandma made for her on the sofa, and an end table that her husband made in his high school shop class held a lamp that she herself had made the lampshade out of the burgundy satin from her prom dress. It sounds ecclectic and it was, but it all came together really nicely to create a warm, homey feeling. You could feel the love and sense of family and history in her house. So, I try to follow that rule myself, and I think it works pretty well for the most part.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Other Side of Sleepless Nights

Well, since I posted about Will's lack of sleep, I really do owe you an update on sleep when it's going well.

I'm not sure why or how, but the little guy seems to be in a much better place for sleep this week. Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, he only woke up once to eat (and about 4:00 in the morning, so a nice eight hour stretch before waking). Tuesday and Wednesday nights, he did not wake up at all. He went to sleep at 7:00 and woke up at 6:15! I couldn't have been more pleased. He is also starting to nap a bit longer in the day, too, going past his 45 minute sleep cycle.

I don't think we are really doing anything differently, but he is almost five months (how can that be?!?!), and I know some people claim that's when the four month sleep regression is over. Or perhaps the solids are helping, too?

It may just be another phase, but can I just tell you how much better I feel when I have had some sleep?! So. very. much.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Love at First Bite

Will has been joining us at the table for meals by sitting in his high chair for over a month. He has been watching the food go from plate to mouth with great interest that entire time. Also, I was having trouble moving him to eating every four hours, and of course, he was having trouble getting through the night without a couple of feeds.

He is able to sit (supported with a receiving blanket), keep his head up on his own, and has breastfeeding down pat. We also don't have a history of family food allergies, so after talking it over with our pediatrician, we got the green light to start him on solids at 20 weeks.

The first time was pretty priceless, as the initial bites were met with a squirmy face. But once he realized that it was food we were putting in his mouth. . . well, he was good to go! We are getting to the stage where more food ends up in the belly than on the bib. After using rice cereal mixed with breast milk alone for two weeks, I am now mixing in peas at lunch and dinner, which he LOVES. I have found that he is most interested in eating at lunch time, and that it works best to try the feed about an hour after he has been breastfed. I am not counting these as meals yet and so the breast feeding is still every four hours.

All in all, I'd say that Will is enjoying the food. . . and I am enjoying more laundry!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Kisses For Daddy

There has been a lot of negativity on the good ol' blog lately. I consider myself a generally upbeat and optimistic person. So in order to take it up a few happy notches, allow me to share with you a funny moment from a couple of weeks ago.

Lately, Will has taken to giving what I call "Wisses." These are his very own, absolutely adorable version of kisses: Will + Kisses = Wisses. He will grab the face of the person that has been kissing him with both pudgy hands and bring them into his mouth-range. He then opens wide and slobbers all over chin, nose, cheek, or if you are really feeling friendly, right in your mouth! He doesn't suck while he is doing it and he makes this little hmmm-hmmm noise to go with them, which echoes the muwhah-muwhah noise that I make when I give him kisses.

One night, I was sitting on the couch with Will shortly after his early evening feed. We were enjoying some Wissing Time and my husband was watching with a hint of jealously in his eye (at first, Wisses were only reserved for Mommy). So, I said, "Would you like to give some Wisses to Daddy?"

My husband eagerly opened his arms to take our son. Will came up close, grabbed M's face and
. . . proceeded to upchuck the entire contents of his stomach all over his cheek, down his chin, dribbling onto his t-shirt. It was by far the most impressive spit-up that Will has ever had - Will rarely spits up, so this made it even more funny! I was in hysterics.

I wanted to grab the camera, but M wasn't too pleased and flatly refused a picture. I still have the image in my head, however, and it is priceless!

The good news is that Will has since learned to give Wisses to any adoring audience member that happens to get close enough, so M has had the pleasure of a spit-up-less Wiss. And even M laughs now when we tell the stories of M's first Wiss.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Memorial Monday

This week's Memorial Monday post is in honor of Amy and her sweet baby boy, William Henry, born still. Amy asked me to write her story because it is still very painful for her to do so herself. To learn more about Amy and to offer further support, please visit her blog.

When Amy found herself pregnant for the second time after her first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at seven weeks, she was a little nervous. However, after the first trimester passed without incident, she allowed herself to relax and get excited. This is a picture of the happy mommy-to-be in the last few days of her pregnancy.

When she went in for a routine OB/GYN appointment at 25 weeks, the nurse could not find the heartbeat. An ultrasound was immediately done and confirmed that her baby boy, William, had passed away. This post gives the full details of finding out that there was no heartbeat.

She would deliver her son, William Henry Johnson, three days later on December 13, 2007. His full birth story can be read at
this post.

Having followed Amy's story since she first started blogging, I have always admired her courage and honesty in how she has grieved. I was especially impressed when in
this post, the day of her would-have-been due date, she did something to make someone else's day a little brighter. I am not too proud to admit that I blatantly stole that idea for my own angels and added her William's name to the list that I put on the note that I handed the lady at my own Star.buck's drive thru.

Through out my own pregnancy, Amy didn't stop commenting, even when I passed the 25th week, she was still there. And she still visits now. I find that kind of support incredibly humbling. Her happiness for others' success in the wasteland of infertility and pregnancy loss is an inspiration.

So, please, if you've never been to her blog, please check it out and leave a comment. And keep visiting so that you'll be there to celebrate with her when she finally has a baby to hold in her arms as well as the ones that she already holds in her heart.

To be featured in upcoming Memorial Mondays, please contact me by clicking on my profile link and then by clicking on my e-mail link. You can either write your story yourself or provide me with the details and I will do it for you. You may include pictures, poetry, whatever feels right. This is your memorial for your loss.

Friday, January 9, 2009

To Anonymous

ETA: I have enabled comment moderation due to the latest comment from Amy (Anonymous) in this thread. Although I fully welcome different opinions on this blog, I cannot handle someone wishing infertility on another person in this community. No matter what content I choose to publish on this blog, one of its purposes is to serve as a living memorial to my lost angels. I will not let it become a hateful place. I will continue to accept anonymous comments for the time being, because I like hearing from everyone that's out there. Amy, I am sorry that you feel such pain in your heart right now. I feel sorry for you because I imagine that the place you are in must be a terrible one to strike out at another person like that. I wish you peace and that you have your own real live baby very soon.

So, I got the anonymous comment after my last post and immediately wanted to delete it. However, after I took the time to read it again (and a few more minutes to calm down), I have to admit, I see a bit of validity in what this person is saying. And if anonymous feels this way, there might be others that feel this way, too.

Anonymous, you had your opportunity to say what you felt that you needed to say and here is my response:

I know how you are feeling because I felt the same way. When I heard parents complaining about not getting enough sleep or time for themselves, I was irritated by it. I thought that they had no idea . The truth is that I had no idea how hard it is to be a parent and to be on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but being a parent is a very tough job. Being infertile is a very hard job, too, but I don't think that it helps anyone to feel judged for how they are responding to the day-to-day nitty gritty of infertility or parenting.

I am grateful. Every. Single. Day. If I come across as any other way on this blog, then I do need to do some attitude adjustment, as I never want to come across as not cherishing my son or the precious gift that he is. However, this space has been my spot for venting and seeking advice for a very long time. I am frustrated that Will is sleeping so poorly so I have turned to my trusty old blog to help me deal with my angst.

Also, to clarify the whole sleep issue, it's not the lack of sleep that I am frustrated by so much as my inability to "fix" it. Will is so much happier when he is well-rested and I feel as if a "good" parent would find a way to help him get the sleep that he needs. When I feel that I have failed my son, I second-guess my schedule for him, if he is eating enough, and whether or not I am too weak because I am not ready for full on "crying it out."

I know that others out there have traveled this rocky road of sleepless nights before me and I am not too proud to admit that everything isn't perfect in my post-infertility world. I humbly open myself up to the advice of others and I hope that someone else reading my blog will know that they are not the only ones up with their four-month-old multiple times a night. Because it does help to know that you are not alone, whether infertility or a sleepless infant is your foe.

Finally, I understand your need to not visit my blog any longer. I started this blog as a way to find support and to support others. Now that so many of my blogger friends are also parents, I continue writing here to find support and to support others. But just as I have the freedom to write about what I choose on this space, you have the freedom to not read it. I appreciate that you have followed my story and wish you the best.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I DID Jinx Us

Okay, so probably not. I don't really believe in jinxes (as I throw salt over my shoulder) . . .

But Will was back to his frequent night waking last night. It was a bit better, as he went for a four and a half hour stretch, but because he had gone to bed earlier than usual, he then was up every hour to two hours after that. So it was still a lot.

At ten to six, I couldn't do it anymore, and M finally got up with him. On nights that M has to work, I try not to have him get up with Will, but a girl can only take so much - or so little, when it comes to sleep.

I have been googling (really, me?!?!) on sleep patterns and seem to be finding something called the Four Month Sleep Regression. Anyone else found this to be true? Any advice? If you did notice the regression, did you do anything to help it, or just ride it out? And how long before it seemed to resolve?

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

The Routine of Routine

I am such a better mom when Will and I both get a full night's sleep. Unfortunately, Will's cold kicked off a series of weeks in which a full night's sleep was a joke and more than four consecutive hours of sleep was a rarity.

It didn't help that just when he was getting over his cold, we had to travel for Christmas to my in-laws. Then a week later, we headed to my family to belatedly celebrate the holiday. With hours-long car rides and later-than-usual nights, and everyone wanting to hold the baby for his naps, the routine which had just been starting to form when he got sick, was blown out of the water.

So, by the time we arrived home this last Sunday, I was pretty exhausted. Worse than that, so was Will. In the strange catch-22 that is infant sleep, the more tired a baby is, the harder it is to get them to sleep. . . and stay asleep. He might fall asleep very quickly, only to startle awake less than twenty minutes later.

Sunday night was probably the worst night of sleep that I have had since Will was eight weeks old. He woke up six times. And it was worse than when he was eight weeks old. At that point, I would just pop him on the boob and he would eat and then go back to sleep. I could lie there, half awake, half drowsing, watching mindless t.v. Now, at the advice of our pediatrician, we are not feeding him during the night, unless it has been over six hours. I had to spend a full half hour soothing him back to sleep each time that he woke, which means that I am fully awake and on my feet. It was awful. When he woke at 3:20 and it was over the six hour limit, I was grateful to be able to breastfeed him.

Monday night was not much better, but anything is better than six times. I think it was four times.

However, last night, he woke up once, at 4 AM. I fed him, he went straight back to sleep. Ahhh, bliss.

And it was all because we finally got back into our routine. At four and a half months old, Will is starting to switch from the "up two, down one" nap schedule that he had been in, to the 2-3-4 routine that so many of my friends swear by. That is that he naps about two hours after he wakes up in the morning, goes back down about three hours after getting up from that nap, then goes to bed about four hours after getting up from his last nap. It isn't flawless, and he still is probably getting a bit overtired to make it four hours at night, but it seemed to work last night.

Let's hope that I didn't jinx us!

Monday, January 5, 2009

Memorial Monday

Today's Memorial Monday post is in honor of Julie, who has lost four pregnancies, all at about the tenth week of pregnancy. Recent testing uncovered a rare clotting disorder that will most likely prevent her from having any biological children.

Julie is asking for your prayers for her four angels: Peanut (2/05), Critter (7/06), Little Bit (11/07), and Doodle Bug (9/08).

To be featured in upcoming Memorial Mondays, please contact me by clicking on my profile link and then by clicking on my e-mail link. You can either write your story yourself or provide me with the details and I will do it for you. You may include pictures, poetry, whatever feels right. This is your memorial for your loss.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Catching Up

Whew! Holidays are always crazy-busy, but holidays with a baby. . . it feels as if I am finally able to catch my breath after a whirlwind week and a half.

Christmas was wonderful. We were at my in-laws this year. My poor MIL thought she would never have grand kids, so to say that she was excited about having Will for his first Christmas would be a huge understatement. She was like a little kid herself, having him open his presents about fifteen minutes after we arrived. He, of course, wasn't exactly that sure what to do with opening, even when Daddy tried to help him. I think he thought the paper was his gift. As with most of his things, it immediately went into the mouth.

In addition to the paper, he also got a lot of really nice toys. I don't even know where to put them all! M and I didn't do so badly ourselves. We got a new GPS device for our car and a web cam so that we can help Will stay in touch with his Grandma. It was also a White Christmas, which has only happened once before in my lifetime! I made sure to get a picture of Will with the snow behind him, since this might be the only one that he sees for awhile!

Despite the glow of the holidays, I have been feeling a little ill at ease lately. I posted a few weeks back that we are in the middle of some life-changing decisions. We still haven't fully made the biggest decision, but it is pretty much crunch time and I am waffling back and forth. My husband seems more settled in the decision that we've made, but I am just not sure. I guess only time will tell if we are making a huge mistake or the best move of our lives. Oh, and yes, I will be sure to share what this big decision is just as soon as it's finalized, which should be any day now. . . if I can just keep my mind made up. We really just do need to make this decision and stay with it, because I am really making myself sick over the whole thing.

In addition to my indecisiveness, Will has been back to his night wakings. He was doing so well for so long, but his cold seems to have taken us off track. He is still doing great with naps, so it's not as bad as it was, but he is up at least once a night now, if not more. My mother thought that perhaps it was hunger and that it was time for solids, so we decided to ask the doctor at his four month well baby exam on Tuesday. He weighed in at 16 lbs and is 26 inches long! What a chunky little monkey! Nice and healthy! I asked the doctor about starting solids and she gave us the go ahead. We waited until yesterday morning so that M could be home to witness the big show. He was a natural at it, opening his mouth with glee for the rice cereal. A lot of it did end up back on his bib, but it was a good first attempt.

I also asked the doctor about the night waking. She reminded me that he is still awfully young for sleeping through the night (no matter how many other babies are doing it) and that there are growth phases, congestion from the cold, etc., that can play a role in how well a baby sleeps through. She did recommend trying to soothe him instead of feeding him at night when he wakes. I had been trying that, but had kind of given up in the past week with the holiday travel and not wanting to wake our hostesses up in the middle of the night.

On Wednesday, Will woke up at 3 AM, so I went into his room with the intention of getting back on track. I bent over his crib to pat his tummy and shush in his ear, which usually works for soothing him back to sleep. Well, it was dark in the room, and his hand came up as my face came down and his little finger went right into my eye! Ouch! I figured that it was no big deal, even though tears were streaming from my eye. I gave up trying to soothe (it wasn't working, anyway), and fed him and then went back to sleep myself, hoping that the burning pain in my eye would work its way out with some shut eye.

In the morning, it was still all red and teary and my vision was blurred. I called my eye doctor and was able to be squeezed in for an exam. Turns out that Will took a horse shoe shaped chunk out of my cornea and I had to have antibiotic eye drops and some goop put in my eye to help it heal. What a way to ring in the New Year! Will was great at the eye doctor, though, because we got there right at his nap time and then had to wait for a long time, and he didn't even fuss. Thank goodness for small favors!

So, that about catches us up for the past week. I hope you all had wonderful holidays and I can't wait to read all about them! Even with the craziness of trying to make big decisions and dealing with a scratched eye, this Christmas was truly one of our best ever. . . and all because we already have the best gift in the world.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Good-Bye, Hello

Good-bye 2008 . . .

2008 was a good year for my family and me. I was a little sad to see it go. My husband has a theory about even years being better than odd years. 2006 was the worst year of my life, so I don't necessarily agree with him, but I do have to say that 2008 was the best. We'll just have to wait and see what future years bring before I can make a final decree on which are better.

We had a very low-key evening. I had spent much of the morning at the doctor's (long story for tomorrow) and then getting some groceries in the afternoon. We had been invited to a pajama/kid-friendly New Year's party, but it got canceled at the last minute, so it was just the three of us (plus the fur kids) at home. I made some pasta for dinner, we exchanged gifts (we always save our gifts to each other for New Year's since we are away from home on Christmas), and then it was a battle to stay up until midnight! I think I was in bed by 12:10! What a difference a baby makes!

Earlier in the evening, we did one of my favorite New Year's tradition. After Gummy Bear died, my husband had a good idea. On New Year's Eve 2006, we each wrote a note to our Angel Babies, put them in a balloon, and released the balloon over the Puget Sound. It was a beautiful memorial service of sorts and just what I needed at that point in time to have some closure.

We decided to make it an annual tradition, to send notes to our babies and also include a wish for the New Year. We did it in 2007 when we had just found out that we were pregnant after our IVF cycle. It hardly takes a genius to wonder what my wish for 2008 was. Let's just say that it came true in the form of Little Man.

So when it came down to my wish for 2009, I found myself having nothing to wish for. I have been given such an amazing gift that there was nothing that I wanted. I mean, sure, I have desires for the usual superficial things, but there was just nothing that I needed from my heart. For the first time since my first miscarriage, my heart wasn't aching with a need.

I am one of the lucky ones and I know it.

So, my wish for 2009 is that those of you still waiting, still aching, still needing finally have your wishes come true. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

. . .Hello 2009!