Friday, January 9, 2009

To Anonymous

ETA: I have enabled comment moderation due to the latest comment from Amy (Anonymous) in this thread. Although I fully welcome different opinions on this blog, I cannot handle someone wishing infertility on another person in this community. No matter what content I choose to publish on this blog, one of its purposes is to serve as a living memorial to my lost angels. I will not let it become a hateful place. I will continue to accept anonymous comments for the time being, because I like hearing from everyone that's out there. Amy, I am sorry that you feel such pain in your heart right now. I feel sorry for you because I imagine that the place you are in must be a terrible one to strike out at another person like that. I wish you peace and that you have your own real live baby very soon.

So, I got the anonymous comment after my last post and immediately wanted to delete it. However, after I took the time to read it again (and a few more minutes to calm down), I have to admit, I see a bit of validity in what this person is saying. And if anonymous feels this way, there might be others that feel this way, too.

Anonymous, you had your opportunity to say what you felt that you needed to say and here is my response:

I know how you are feeling because I felt the same way. When I heard parents complaining about not getting enough sleep or time for themselves, I was irritated by it. I thought that they had no idea . The truth is that I had no idea how hard it is to be a parent and to be on duty 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I wouldn't trade it for the world, but being a parent is a very tough job. Being infertile is a very hard job, too, but I don't think that it helps anyone to feel judged for how they are responding to the day-to-day nitty gritty of infertility or parenting.

I am grateful. Every. Single. Day. If I come across as any other way on this blog, then I do need to do some attitude adjustment, as I never want to come across as not cherishing my son or the precious gift that he is. However, this space has been my spot for venting and seeking advice for a very long time. I am frustrated that Will is sleeping so poorly so I have turned to my trusty old blog to help me deal with my angst.

Also, to clarify the whole sleep issue, it's not the lack of sleep that I am frustrated by so much as my inability to "fix" it. Will is so much happier when he is well-rested and I feel as if a "good" parent would find a way to help him get the sleep that he needs. When I feel that I have failed my son, I second-guess my schedule for him, if he is eating enough, and whether or not I am too weak because I am not ready for full on "crying it out."

I know that others out there have traveled this rocky road of sleepless nights before me and I am not too proud to admit that everything isn't perfect in my post-infertility world. I humbly open myself up to the advice of others and I hope that someone else reading my blog will know that they are not the only ones up with their four-month-old multiple times a night. Because it does help to know that you are not alone, whether infertility or a sleepless infant is your foe.

Finally, I understand your need to not visit my blog any longer. I started this blog as a way to find support and to support others. Now that so many of my blogger friends are also parents, I continue writing here to find support and to support others. But just as I have the freedom to write about what I choose on this space, you have the freedom to not read it. I appreciate that you have followed my story and wish you the best.

33 comments:

SM said...

I have not suffered with infertility, but I have suffered a miscarriage (which is why I read your blog). Whether you lose one pregnancy (like me) or multiple pregancies (like you and others), the fact that you have a real-live baby is definitely something to be thankful for. And I think about it and thank whoever i need to thank every. Single. Day.

That being said, I fully support your talking about the lack of sleep on your blog and the troubles you are experiencing (backtracking, etc.). Because a)it's your blog and b)I too am dealing with a very similar situation with my 3 month old. While I am so incredibly thankful I have him to even be awake at all hours of the night, I also know that it's not good for either of us. Like Will, my little guy just isn't the same if he doesn't sleep well at night (and for him, this means 4+ straight hours). Also, how are we to be good mothers - give ourselves fully to our child - if we, too, aren't fully rested?

I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now and ungrateful you are not.

Nicky said...

I think you're spot-on. I know from my own experience that when you've been dealing with infertility for a very long time, it is easy to start romanticizing what parenthood will be like if/when you get there. It is also easy to claim that you will be so grateful when it finally happens that you will never need to stress or complain about anything ever again. The truth is that being a parent is very difficult, and even people who dealt with infertility and worked very hard to get there are going to have frustrations along the way. Pretending that parenthood is all peaches and sunshine just because you had to work to get there isn't fair to you, or your readers, no matter what stage of the journey you're in.

Being grateful doesn't rule out being honest about what you're feeling and dealing with right now.

April E. :) said...

Wonderfully stated.

BrownEyedGirl said...

You know, it is easy to judge a person who has come through to the other side, but it's not fair.

Sleep will be a cherished thing. I will complain about not having enough and I have went through IF, miscarriages and a near death experience before IVF to get where I am.

I think Annon, needs to pull their head out of their butt!! Just because you get pregnant after IF and loss, does not mean that it's all going to be flowers, loly pops and gum drops from there on out.

Realistically, we are allowed to complain because it's JUST NOT AS EASY as we thought it might be, or maybe we knew it wouldn't be. BUT, we have the right to complain no matter where we came from.

Come to my blog, I complain about my pregnancy after steadfastly saying I wouldn't, but I'm allowed to! I don't complain about my babies, I complain about the aches, the pains, the itches, etc. because it's my body and I'm allowed to!!

Katie, you are so right, this is your blog and people need to respect that! No one knows just how hard it is to run on very little sleep, until they have to! Annon, was being simply, UNFAIR and needs to stop and think about it.

I may be bringing on a can of it to myself, but so be it. People need to realize tha they have no right to criticize someone for being tired, uncomfortable, whatever it might be...the life we are given is our own, what we decide to do with it, is up to us.

We all know that you love your little man soooo much!

Christine said...

Katie,
I have been reading your blog since just before Christmas last year. Right around the time you got the call at the jewelry store.
I have never once thought you were ungrateful for what you have. Your blog has been my rock and I thank you for getting me through some tough times. Please be yourself and don't let negative comments bring you down.
Thank you!

Tracy said...

I've had some nasty anonymous comments in my blog...it doesn't feel good. But you are a better person than me, because I choose not to publish the negative comments directed towards me.

Katie, you have never appeared as anything other than grateful. You are tired, like most new parents (including me.) Infertility is extremely painful, as you and I both well know, but being a parent is a completely different ball game. They are apples and oranges.

Lamenting how tired you are, or how difficult parenting can be, does not negate the pain you experienced with infertility. It is a completely different subject.

I remember being childless and hearing parents "complain" about how hard it is, and I would think "I'd give anything..." but that doesn't change that it IS hard.

And this is your blog. So if somebody doesn't like what you are writing, they should choose not to read it anymore.

Love ya girl.

Jen said...

When reading and commenting on blogs I always stick to the if I have nothing nice to say then I won't say it rule. Because if I don't like a person is saying all the time, then I won't read their blog. It's your space. Say what you want. Because you know what the whole parenting and sleep thing IS hard no matter how grateful you are. And it IS hard to be in the midst of IF and reading about that. So it is important to recognize that sometimes you just have to stop reading a blog because you are not in a good place to deal with it.

And Katie, I'm wishing you the best with Will's sleeping issues. I think that the regression is harder than when they were a newborn because just when you've gotten used to a good night's sleep, it seems like they switch it up on you. Of course this is especially hard on us type A's (or at least I suspect you are one like myself).

Ally said...

Oh, Katie, I'm sorry you had to write this post. None of us have the right to judge anyone else or their pain. You can't compare pain-mine is no more or less painful than anyone else's, it's just mine. (And because it's mine, it naturally feels most important and way more than anyone else's at times.)

Although I'm not a parent, I've watched lots of other people do it and I can't imagine *anyone* believing it is easier than struggling with infertility. They are different minefields, but they are still full of danger and stress and worry.

Thank you for your kind and measured response to anonymous-you've done a beautiful job of respectully and lucidly responding to their comment. I would've been foaming at the mouth with irritation!

My Reality said...

I am still in the trenches of infertility, and still read your blog.

You made it very clear that you didn't want to forget how you got here, and you started Memorial Mondays.

I do not see writing about a lack of sleep, no matter what the reason, as being a slap in the face to those of us still not on the other side.

I hope anonymous will reconsider her feelings and realize what you are still doing for the infertility/loss community.

JACQUELYN said...

wow.
I understand what the person is saying, just as you do Katie. BUT I think your blog is wonderful and you have shown us your struggles and obviously the BIG triumph. That gives me, and many others I am sure, hope.
anonymous (although I am sure you have "moved" on.)
"If I had a baby I wouldn't complain about not sleeping."

Now...this comment worries me. You will complain about sleeping just like we all will/do. But at the same time be grateful. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Jen said...

I've always said that my blog has to be about what is going on in my life. And I never mind if people don't read or comment, but I do have a problem with people telling me what to do, like that anonymous did to you. Of course complaining about being exhausted doesn't mean that you aren't grateful. It just means you are tired.

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

Ditto to the previous eleven comments.

Marge Piercy said it best with, "life is the first gift, love is the second, and understanding is the third."

As someone still on the other side of infertily and having experienced a recent (and tragic) loss at 6 months... I appreciate all that you say, even if it relates to the realities and hardships of parenthood. Understanding is a precious gift which, in my humble opinion, we all need a little more of...even in the world of blogs.

JuliaS said...

Sometimes long running disappointment is a very bitter pill to swallow.

Katie, I think you showed remarkable restraint, grace and compassion in your response. I saw nothing "whiny" or "complainy" about your post.

I know that when I went through my losses I often felt that I would happily HAPPILY be grateful for all the scutwork and unpleasantries that come along with pregnancy and parenthood if I could just have a live baby. The reality is - while I was humbled and eternally grateful for receiving that gift I so desperately wanted, I was still tired, I still hurt, I got frustrated and irritable and still do. Its not easy all the time - not a whine, just a statement of fact. Happily ever after doesn't come as a matter of course - it comes from working. Does that mean I don't remember what I went through to get my kids here? Does that mean I have forgotten the pain of losing my babies or the months when all the self injections ended in a big freaking negative? Nope - even more than 13 years since my first miscarriage and the 8 since my seventh and final one and 6 successful pgs later, I still miss those babies and I still cry over them.

It always aggravated me when people - those who had no difficulty at all and those who had - seemed to think I wasn't allowed to be tired or frustrated because of my living children, because of my angels. Yes, we all know there are worse things in the world, and I am pretty darn grateful for the opportunity to "complain" about some of the better things!

Hang in there - you're doing fine, and keep writing, keeping being you.

{{hugs}}

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
S and J plus 2 said...

Well, Katie, it is obvious that this person does not know you in the least. I have know you your entire life and you are one person who will NEVER take your children for granted! Please, please ignore what she has said. She obviously is not worth any time because no one that is worth having as a friend would wish infertility on anyone! Love you tons! Keep writing and yes, even complaining because he is your prize and I know that you appreciate every waking moment with him, even when that time is sadly in the middle of the night! Keep your chin up and give that little man big kisses for me!
~Janell

JW said...

Wow.

That one you can delete Katie...

Kim said...

Okaay? Amy sounds real mature...I would love to read her blog if she succeeds in getting that baby that wakes every 15 minutes. Hmmm.
I too have dealt with infertility and I do have children now. I wanted to comment on the lack of sleep issue before, not because I thought you sounded ungrateful. Maybe just a tad unrealistic. (and I don't mean that to sound mean at all)I have a one year old son, who still wakes up several times a night. My other babies were sleeping through the night much younger. So I do get your frustration, I can't remember the last time I felt well rested. (I had a friend whose son did the same and I remember thinking, what is wrong with that kid?)I guess God thought it would be humorous to let me in on the fun.
It's just that you started posting about this a while back, and now at a little over four months old I guess I just think it's normal. But I do wish you the best of luck working it out and I hope he lets you get more sleep very soon. Also, This is your blog, stuff you want to look back on and remember, so put what's important to you, period. And, I hope you get and stay pregnant the very first month you decide to try again!

Leanne aka Browneyedgirl said...

All I can say Amy, is that karma is a true bitch! Perhaps with an attitude like that you can understand why people stood up for Katie, and not for you! I wish you peace in your heart Amy, it does not seem as though there is any there at the moment.

Anonymous said...

You know what Amy? The truth of the matter is that no one here gives a shit about your opinion. We're here to read KATIE'S blog because we like what KATIE has to say. And you're fucking with my reading experience by being such an ass. So go away and take your cold, black heart with you.

And PS, when you say you're never going to read again, don't comment again! You're blowing your whole point there, genius!

Ashley said...

This whole thing is just sad. Katie, you are awesome and I hope that you never have fertility issues again. Anyone that would say such cruel things to someone has no right to comment and is obviously in a really bad place. I feel sad for her...her life must be so full of negatives that she is trying to bring other people down with her.

I am in the middle of baby madness too, and it's hard at times, but that doesn't make it any less of a miracle. Keep on sharing Katie, we will all keep reading and supporting you! You are an AWESOME mom!

Sean Patrick and Emma Jane said...

Just stumbled upon your blog, but I had to comment! I can't believe someone would actually post such rude and hurtful things. I also suffered infertility for years prior to conceiving my twins through IVF. All of my struggles do not make it any easier to be a parent. I am grateful for having two beautiful, happy babies - but that doesn't mean I can't complain. Please don't let comments like that get you down. You have earned the right to be tired! Congrats on a beautiful baby boy!!

Polka Dot said...

Yegads.

As a long time reader, I have never doubted your gratefulness at the gift Will is. Never once.

Sometimes it's hard to read, so sometimes I do just pop in and then right back out. But that's on me and has nothing at all to do with you. And I know enough to know you'd never hold it against me.

I, for one, like that you're not trying to portray motherhood as all peaches and cream. It lets those of us still in the trenches see all sides of being a mom from someone we know was just in that foxhole with us.

So still much love to you from me. Keep posting the way you do. People like Amy may not realize it now, but they will one day (God willing) eat their words.

Stephanie said...

Whatever. Its your life, its your blog.
Being a parent IS hard work. No matter how much you are grateful for and love your kids, its still hard! You worry about doing the right things - and this is the perfect place to share that and get feedback from others.
I really dont understand why Anonymous felt the need to post. If you don't relate to the content anymore - STOP READING and mind your own business.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

What a gracious way to handle that comment--I applaud you.

As for the sleep regression, I highly recommend the book The Wonder Weeks--Lemy does not sleep and this book has helped me understand what's going on. ((HUGS))

Kristen said...

I feel sad by reading this. Obviously, Amy is hurting and her pain is being disguised as anger. And when I was in the midst of IF, there were times I just couldn't read about parenting without flaring up.

However, by visiting a Mommy blog, you are taking the risk of reading something that may be painful or may make you feel jealous. If you're not able to handle talks of poor sleeping, sore boobs, etc., it is best to just revisit when your hope hasn't been depleted.

You handled the comment very gracefully and for that, I applaud you. As a new momma after IF, I too focus my blog on my new adventure: parenting. It is a lovely journey but it has its own challenges. And we also need support - just in a different capacity.

XOXO

Fertilized said...

Everyone else has already said it. I am here to just repeat it. You cann ot please everyone all teh time. It sucks that it can't be done, but it can't. Hang in there, Wonder weeks is a fantastic book. You are doing a fantastic job and a wonderful service to us out here in blogger land. I just adore you and want to encourage you any way possible. Do not let one bad weed ruin your beautiful garden.

Me said...

I do not visit your blog as often as I once did. However, that is because the 3 years of IF weigh heavily on my heart and it's tough to read about other people's babies. When I do visit though, nothing you've ever written has come across to me as ungrateful.

Joy said...

As someone with secondary infertility- I don't think you're whining at all. You're a new mom and this is completely new thing for you.

It doesn't matter if you struggled with infertility to acheive pregnancy and a baby or if you got pregnant on a one-night-stand in a snap. You WILL be tired as a new parent. Being a parent is HARD.

Again, Katie, you're completely normal. When I have another baby I know I'll be sleep deprived and probably frustrated about some things, but that won't make me any less grateful at all. I DREAM of the day of holding another baby in my arms. I'm sick of PCOS and miscarriages.

I also applaud your control in your response. Keep at it, girl. There's always someone out there trying to rain on others' parades. Just keep praying for her. It's obvious she needs prayer to heal her wounded heart.

I also appreciate what Kristen said--- you run the risk of getting angry/hurt when you read a Mommy Blog.

My advice to you is to add a disclaimer to the top of your page that says, "READ AT YOUR OWN RISK" or something. Maybe not as harsh as that.

Joy said...

Also, it's refreshing to know that you're not a SUPER MOM who has it all figured out with her first baby. Ya know?! We all have questions, we all have insecurities... Sorry to go on and on. I am just reacting a bit hormonally. I hate to see you hurt, Katie.

Kathy said...

(((HUGS))) I am sorry you are tired and struggling with sleep issues with Will. Dealing with sleep issues throughout Sean's five years of life have been some of the most difficult times in motherhood for me.

It is one of many things in life that we cannot control and though we can try different approaches to help them along, it is so frustrating when they don't sleep when or as long as we wished they would. It is only compounded by our own lack of sleep from caring for them.

As so many others have said Katie, just because you are experiencing and sharing about the normal challenges that a new mother faces here on your blog, by no means makes you ungrateful for the amazing child you have been given, after your years of
taking the statistical bullet."

I am sorry that one of your readers wasn't able to see that. Hang in there. I promimse that Will will sleep better for you in time.

Amy said...

Oh, Katie, I am so sorry that someone did that to you.

I still check in on you, I just don't have much to say.

Wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and keeping you and yours in my thoughts everyday!

Best wishes for a wonderful 2009 with Will!

Laura said...

Katie, not that it needs saying, but I think you're wonderful. You're also human, and so you have frustrations like everyone else. The fact of the matter is, you can't judge someone else until you've been in their shoes. (and maybe not even then). You don't come across as ungrateful. And for someone to suggest that is absurd! So, keep on with what you're doing, and I hope Will finds his sleep schedule soon!

Amy said...

Hi Katie,

It has been a while since I have replied to your blog because of things that i have been going through. I just wanted to let you know that i am so sorry that you have had to deal with ignorance on such a level. I try to read as much as possible and I have NEVER found anything that you had to say ungrateful. I think that you are one wonderful lady, and an awsome mother.

You give so much of yourself to those of us who have not yet become mothers. I am grateful for that as there have been so many days that I have felt more than alone. I felt invisible. Coming here and reading about the women that you honor has helped me to grieve for others and not just for my own losses.

I want to thank you. Your blog has been a blessing to my life, and heart.

Amy M.