Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I Shall Call Him Gus

There is an evil little green eyed monster living inside of me.

I have decided to call him Gus. Gus The Little Green Eyed Monster.

Yeah, that's what I thought. Calling this monster by a cute name does not make it any more cute.

What the heck is wrong with me?

I have survived a full-term pregnancy. As a result of those nineish months, I have one of the most adorable babies ever known to man. He is healthy, he is thriving, he is napping, he is sleeping, he is eating, he is even pooping - albeit in the bathtub, but still! He is happy, bouncing baby boy.

So, why is it that I still cannot hear a pregnancy announcement without Gus moving in? Why is it that even when I don't know the person well, it still irritates me that they are pregnant? It's especially bad if I know that they "weren't even trying" or "we got pregnant the first month" they tried.

Do I wish infertility and all of its hell on people? Absolutely not.

So, I ask again, what in the world is the matter with me?

Does anyone else out there have a Gus? And what do you do about yours?


Joy said...

Thanks for being so candid and real with how you feel! For me there is a twinge of... something. Jealousy doesn't seem the right word. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe anger.

Anyway, I'm a huge believer in being true to yourself and your feelings. Not putting a mask on. So if something bothers me, I steer clear of them. I give myself time to process.

Once I have time to process everything I get busy. I buy a gift for the unborn baby or plan something special for the mom-to-be.

You're not alone. For me not every pregnancy announcement hurts at all. There are a handfull, however, that irk me. I think it's just an inner battle we face and must come to terms with.

Joy said...

Oh and I think that a pregnancy announcement just immediately brings up all the memories of us TTC and of us miscarrying... I don't think it always has to do with us not liking the pregnant woman. I think it is because we don't like ourselves and our bodies for what they do or don't do. It's just so much easier to take it out on someone else.


Bean said...

I'd be willing to guess that a lot of us have a Gus -- I certainly do and I've got a 6 year old and now, after 3 1/2 years of hell, a baby due in May. But my Gus is still hanging around and just as present and strong as ever. I wish it wasn't so, but it is.

Cassandra said...

I save Gus a spot on the sofa, and bring him hot chocolate and cookies. He is my special buddy.

Maybe when I have a child I will make Gus a sometimes-friend, but for now he is my constant companion.

I do not feel remotely guilty about resenting the fertiles. I have enough other things to feel bad about.

Christine said...

I am just back to work. I have abeautiful 16 week old daughter. 3 iui's-6 ivf cycles- 2 miscarriages 4 years it took me to where I am. I am greatful as to where I am. I was walking down the hallway and saw a woman I new who was pregnant with I think her second. I was very jealous. I thought I bet it was easy for her. (I have no idea if that was true but I did think it) At that moment I also thought that will probably never be me. I could never possibly go through what I did again. I know it may seem selfish but thats the way I felt was jealous. I know there are many that can't even have one. So I know it is wrong to feel that way but I did. Sucks to be this way.

Becky said...

I totally understand that. To be completely honest, I feel a little like then when anyone I know starts TTC. I'm sure that even though they have started trying AGES after me, they will probably be pregnant before me. It irritates me a bit I guess. It's all just so easy for some people and I just wish I could fall into that group too.

Tracy said...

I didn't think I did...but I do. Found out that one of Scott's cousins got pregnant accidentally, because she missed a couple BCPs. If only it were that easy, right?

Even after all this time, I still felt myself scoff a little inside. And I don't normally do that! Or so I tell myself.


p.s. my dog's name is Gus, and he's not at all green. I think you should come up with another name. Maybe Marvin, after the little green alien on Looney Tunes? ;)

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I've got a Gus! It's terrible really. He tends to come out when people I don't particularly care for just fall pregnant (which happens a lot, unfortunately).

Like you, I wouldn't wish IF on my worst enemy, but I've just come to terms with the fact that there is a part of me that wishes that it were a little more difficult for some people. Mainly those that take their ability to get pregnant immediately and without trying for granted.

Unfortunately, I've met and been surrounded by a lot of those types of women, and they have no clue how hard IF is, how heartbreaking. And not to mention these are the same people that have never experienced loss either.

I just try to avoid those that don't seem appreciative. I have very little tolerance for it. And I can better handle Gus that way too.


RM said...

I feel like the reason I'm jealous of those people is because they are lucky enough to still possess the unbridled excitement of pregnancy. The rest of us who have experienced losses and infertility have no innocence left in that department. I just have to look at them and imagine that their lives have been or will be tough in other ways, in ways that I have been blessed. xox

My Reality said...

Hi Gus, nice to meet you.

I think it is normal. And other people's ease in conceiving just hurts.

Right now, we are dealing with my brother in law and his crazy wife "thinking" about trying. The met after we started on this lovely ride. I seriously don't know what my husband or I will do if she turns up pregnant in the near future.

I don't know if it is jealousy as much as it is anger and frustration. And the knowledge that people who just get pregnant because they want to can take if for granted and not realize how truely lucky they are.

Fertilized said...

Oh, I totally have a Gus. Majorly. and I hate that Gus is still lingering around. So Your Gus, Is i n good company it seems. I am sorry

But I do agree that you have one of the cutest lil Men Of 2008. We need to make a calendar of all the Yummy Sweetness IF Babes of 2008!


not only do i have a gus, but...i HATE being pregnant and yet every time i see a pregnant woman i think "they are so lucky". crazy!!!

sophie said...

For me that reaction was so ingrained that it seemed to come too easily. Even after our first (very hard won), when we couldn't conceive #2 it was like #1 all over again, with the added feeling of guilt that I must be ungrateful and why couldn't I just count my blessing (which I did/do every day). The moms who were easily pregnant with #2 or who had a second baby seemed to open that hurt all over again- like #2 was the natural order of things, and once again I couldn't simply come along and follow suit, my body wouldn't let me.

Ms. J said...

Yep, still lives deep inside me! Maybe mine is a bit different since I haven't experienced a full-term pregnancy, though. I am not as pissed when I learn of a pregnancy to someone who has had a previous pregnancy loss, or really struggled to get pregnant (meaning medical intervention or YEARS of trying was needed to achieve it).

But yeppers, it's there.

I have begun to think that it's perhaps the attention the pregnant woman receives from those around her -- the oohin and ahhing and cooing while pregnant. How everyone is so accomodating and sweet and so on (I am sure many a pregnant woman would disagree, but of course the one sweetness you witness blocks out all of the other, right?!)

What's so conflicting to me is that I do NOT want to experience 40 weeks of pregnancy. I never did. It was just seemingly (LOL) the quickest and cheapest means to parenthood. Having the male factor IF and now three early m/c under my belt . . . I can't imagine trying to ward off the "when is THIS gonna all turn to sh*t" fears that accompany a full-term pregnancy.

I don't want it now. I feel like adoption is the better method for me. I can not imagine loving a biological child more thanmy Lil Pumpkin.

Still, I get cranky, pissy, grieve again, and all sorts of irrational emotions when I hear a pregnancy announcement or see someone who is obviously pregnant.

Good topic . . . I am going to copy/paste my thoughts and put them on my own blog, as this has been eating at me for a few weeks.

Jen said...

I would say that it is because it is unfair that some people get things easily when you have to work so hard and suffer so much for what you wanted more than anything.


I think many of us will/do feel that way. I believe that I will feel that way even after I have my baby in my arms. It also bugs me too when I hear they weren't even trying or it was an "accident."
I am right there with you girl...

Amy said...

I grieve everyday. My Gus has become a monster and I just don't know what to do. It is so much bigger than me because of the anger of the failures and the loss of my babies and my tubes and ovaries and the issues with my neck and back.

I was thinking this morning about nothing in particular and all of a sudden I remember being in a doctors office struggling to fight back tears, only to have a pregnant lady across the hall from me on a heart monitor that the volume was up to 10, and I am sitting in the hall waiting for an ultrasound bawling like a baby. I am tearing up right now.

I don't mean to be so wordy but your post is right on time for me. The way that I am feeling and the realization finally hitting home that I am not ever going to be a mother. It is normal and human, but it does not hurt any less. Women who have had to fight hard for their babies never forget that battle. Even though I do not nor will I ever have children those memories of sorrow and loss never fade for us.

God Bless you Katie. I am glad that you have won battle, but sad for you that you, like so many of us know that lost innocence cannot not be won back.....


Mr. Thompson and Me said...

I have a Gus....not to mention his seven brothers!

You're normal and I think we are all too. It doesn't make us jealous...or unhealthy.

Just normal...and human.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for bringing this up. I suffered a MC in October. I went from feeling sad all the time, to this never ending "funk". It didn't click as jealousy with me until now. Seems to be a lot of newborns and "babies on the way" in my life right now and while I am trying to be happy and accommodating for these friends and co-workers, it's killing me to fill-in for them while they get used to their new lifestyle. I've felt so bad about feeling this way, I haven't let myself self think about it as being jealous.. just grumpy.

Mrs. Piggy said...

Oh, Gus and I are best buds. Gus will never go away I've realized...

peesticksandstones said...

Oh yes. Big-time. I'm pretty ashamed, actually, how at 5 months pregnant I am often jealous of other pregnant gals (especially a co-worker/friend) who seem "more" pregnant than me somehow. Like all rubbing their tummies in public and having strangers ask them about their pregnancies. While me, after the losses -- I hold my pregnancy closer to my heart somehow, scared to let folks in. Does that make sense?

beth ewing said...

wow this post is so true. we have a 2.5 year old son and have been trying for #2 for almost 2 years now but i still get jealous. i mostly get jealous that all my friends are having #2 so easily. when it's a first baby i don't feel it as much. but man do i about second kids. i hope and pray it goes away after another child but i'm not sure it will.