Monday, February 18, 2008

Fear and Unreasonable Doubt

Last Tuesday night, I was laying in bed. I felt a "pulsing" feeling down there - as in more of my hoo-haw area, rather than in my uterus. No, I wasn't watching porn or thinking about the sex I haven't been allowed to have since before egg retrieval. It felt kind of strange, then I got a sharp, almost jabbing pain that came from the right side of my groin. It was so quick, but it was pretty intense. Of course, I got up and googled said pain, and came up with potential round ligament pain.

Saturday night I held a newborn for the first time since I've been pregnant. The first time since July, actually. I used to be a baby grabber, but when my mother-in-law asked me if I wanted to hold the precious little ten-day-old, I really didn't want to. Even when I finally did hold him (because for some reason, people INSIST that a pregnant woman hold a baby), I didn't feel the usual feelings. I felt. . . strangely SAD. Even though I have a lot of reasons to believe in this pregnancy, I guess I really still don't think it will equal a baby for us. I still felt as if I was holding a piece of something forbidden and the old wistful feelings came over me.

Sunday morning, I woke up RARING to go. Not a drop of morning sickness, not a hint of fatigue. I was reading to conquer the world. Or at least my messy house. For the first time in WEEKS, I had the energy to SCRUB my bathrooms, do my laundry, vacuum dog fur out from dusty corners, and just generally clean the heck out of my long neglected house. It felt great, I felt great! THIS must be the second trimester energy they talk about! Woo hoo! I could do this!

Then, while on my knees with an old tooth brush, scrubbing behind our toilet, I felt it. . . a faint feeling of panic that seemed to well up from no where. As soon as the feeling was there, it grew from a pebble or worry to a boulder of fear, which has been sitting in my stomach since then. How could I be feeling this good? I am not even in the second trimester yet and most women I know with really dreadful morning sickness don't feel better until the 14th week or later. WHAT was that sharp pain on Tuesday night - round ligament pain or something more sinister like the placenta detaching from the uterine wall? Why the feelings of sadness when holding a baby, even as people were passing around our ultrasound pictures and oohin and ahhing?

Argh. I thought that by this time, I would believe in this pregnancy more. I mean, here I am, past any previous milestone, and I still can't relax and just let it go. I cannot enjoy a day of perfectly good energy, or even the clean house that resulted from it.

14 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

I hear ya sister! I hear ya loud and clear!

Samantha said...

I wish it could get easier. Try to remember your RLB thoughts.

Mel said...

I am so sorry about all your worries-Pray, pray, pray "Do not be anxious in anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 4:6
This one verse has gotten me through so much.
I am praying for you.
*hugs*

Laura said...

I am sorry you are still having those scary thoughts. I am too - I wish I could say something that would snap both of us out of it!

Laura said...

I am sorry you are still having those scary thoughts. I am too - I wish I could say something that would snap both of us out of it!

Tracy said...

I'm sorry, Katie. I wish it could be different. Keep clinging to those reaffirming thoughts you have.

peesticksandstones said...

I can totally imagine my pregnant-self having these same exact feelings. Wishing you lots of peace -- and know I'm rooting for you big-time!

By the way, thank you so much for your sweet comment on my blog the other day. I totally had some "what-the-hell" late bleeding today and freaked out, but you saved me from going all nuts with it.

My Reality said...

Just keep rememberimg the RLB thoughts. . .

LIW (Lady In Waiting) said...

Your description of that feeling of panic and doubt...well...I couldn't for the life of me come up with a better way to describe it. I don't think I can count the number of times each day that it grips me, too.

But, as everyone has told me AND as the 1,000s of pages of information I have read on Dr. Google indicate, you *will* experience reprieves with morning sickness and fatigue.... Hope that helps to reassure you a little.

XOXOXO

Mrs. Piggy said...

Ahh yes, I had the same pain once. I was just sitting on a couch, and suddenly I jolted because this sharp pain went shooting up my belly. Thought for sure that was it, my baby was dead.
Thank god for the doppler, I was able to check...I was about 11 or 12 weeks, that I do remember. That was the one and only time I had that pain...
Face it, we're going to think we're doomed until the babies are in our arms. Even then we will find even more to worry about.
We have been completely robbed of believing we might end up with a real life baby to hold at the end of this. I still dont believe it for myself either.

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I don't think that worry every goes away. Try not to stress yourself out too much. Worrying is completely normal and likely won't go away until your child is married and out of the house...and even then... :P

Amy said...

Katie,
Take a deep breath and breathe! I'm sure you are fine. It's probably just those pesky ligaments. Call and get in to see the Dr. It never hurts, you are a first timer at this stage and you are bound to worry.

The feelings of saddness when holding the baby was more than likely knowing what you have lost in the past and keeping up with all of us newbies to the boat. Which by the way THANK YOU!

soul-quest said...

I am so sorry that you have these feelings and worries. I know that it is normal firstly about holding the newborn. It would freak me out, even now after I have my own two. I dont want to have to do with newborns and all their cuteness, facing possible realities, it is too much. Also the round ligament thing, speak to your gynae, let him/her check just to allay your fears,I had 'rlp' and I know it can be very scary.
Going through fertility and loss only makes you realise how fortunate all those people who got pregnant so quickly and easily and sailed through there pregnancies are. They have a wonderful ignorance that is lost on all of us. I wish you only the best and hope time will make this journey easier for you.
Love Lianne

Maria said...

I wish it could be different. That the fear didn't have to invade wonderful moments.

I'm still praying for you and your baby everyday.