Fear and Unreasonable Doubt

Last Tuesday night, I was laying in bed. I felt a "pulsing" feeling down there - as in more of my hoo-haw area, rather than in my uterus. No, I wasn't watching porn or thinking about the sex I haven't been allowed to have since before egg retrieval. It felt kind of strange, then I got a sharp, almost jabbing pain that came from the right side of my groin. It was so quick, but it was pretty intense. Of course, I got up and googled said pain, and came up with potential round ligament pain.

Saturday night I held a newborn for the first time since I've been pregnant. The first time since July, actually. I used to be a baby grabber, but when my mother-in-law asked me if I wanted to hold the precious little ten-day-old, I really didn't want to. Even when I finally did hold him (because for some reason, people INSIST that a pregnant woman hold a baby), I didn't feel the usual feelings. I felt. . . strangely SAD. Even though I have a lot of reasons to believe in this pregnancy, I guess I really still don't think it will equal a baby for us. I still felt as if I was holding a piece of something forbidden and the old wistful feelings came over me.

Sunday morning, I woke up RARING to go. Not a drop of morning sickness, not a hint of fatigue. I was reading to conquer the world. Or at least my messy house. For the first time in WEEKS, I had the energy to SCRUB my bathrooms, do my laundry, vacuum dog fur out from dusty corners, and just generally clean the heck out of my long neglected house. It felt great, I felt great! THIS must be the second trimester energy they talk about! Woo hoo! I could do this!

Then, while on my knees with an old tooth brush, scrubbing behind our toilet, I felt it. . . a faint feeling of panic that seemed to well up from no where. As soon as the feeling was there, it grew from a pebble or worry to a boulder of fear, which has been sitting in my stomach since then. How could I be feeling this good? I am not even in the second trimester yet and most women I know with really dreadful morning sickness don't feel better until the 14th week or later. WHAT was that sharp pain on Tuesday night - round ligament pain or something more sinister like the placenta detaching from the uterine wall? Why the feelings of sadness when holding a baby, even as people were passing around our ultrasound pictures and oohin and ahhing?

Argh. I thought that by this time, I would believe in this pregnancy more. I mean, here I am, past any previous milestone, and I still can't relax and just let it go. I cannot enjoy a day of perfectly good energy, or even the clean house that resulted from it.