Believing

One of my IF friends said that there would come a moment when I would truly start to believe in this pregnancy. For her, it was her tenth week ultrasound.

I am not sure if I have quite reached that place yet. There are definitely moments, such as during our last ultrasound, when I thought it could possibly be. But it still is a fleeting thought, quickly replaced with haunting echoes of the past.

I want to believe, so very much, that this is our time. Everything seems to be looking good and my doctor is very encouraged. I think if she was a betting woman, she would say that her money is on this baby being born healthy.

The grin on my husband's face has never been wider. My dad is printing off the pictures that we are sending and showing them to his coworkers, starting to call himself Grandpa B. My mom called on Sunday is ask if she could buy the crib for us that I love because it's on sale this week. All of these things make me feel happiness in my heart that I can't truly describe, the cold fingers of fear that grip my heart relax a bit. For the first time in months, I feel as if I can breathe again.

Then, something will happen, or a memory will surface. I only know pregnancies that end in sadness. I think that's why it is so difficult for me to believe in this one. When will I finally truly let go of the fear? Or is that my job as a mother, to always be worried?