Thursday, February 7, 2008

Believing

One of my IF friends said that there would come a moment when I would truly start to believe in this pregnancy. For her, it was her tenth week ultrasound.

I am not sure if I have quite reached that place yet. There are definitely moments, such as during our last ultrasound, when I thought it could possibly be. But it still is a fleeting thought, quickly replaced with haunting echoes of the past.

I want to believe, so very much, that this is our time. Everything seems to be looking good and my doctor is very encouraged. I think if she was a betting woman, she would say that her money is on this baby being born healthy.

The grin on my husband's face has never been wider. My dad is printing off the pictures that we are sending and showing them to his coworkers, starting to call himself Grandpa B. My mom called on Sunday is ask if she could buy the crib for us that I love because it's on sale this week. All of these things make me feel happiness in my heart that I can't truly describe, the cold fingers of fear that grip my heart relax a bit. For the first time in months, I feel as if I can breathe again.

Then, something will happen, or a memory will surface. I only know pregnancies that end in sadness. I think that's why it is so difficult for me to believe in this one. When will I finally truly let go of the fear? Or is that my job as a mother, to always be worried?

12 comments:

soapchick said...

How about we believe for you in th meantime. If all of us out here in this community believe for you, well maybe it will eventually overpower your fear. I believe that this baby will be born healthy!

Jen said...

Perhaps fear will never go away completely (I mean motherhood does = worry to some degree). But I suspect with time it will start to subside more and more.

alison said...

Not having been in your shoes, it's hard for me to give you an expectation of when the fear will subside, but I imagine at some point the fear will begin to dissipate as the joy and anticipation clouds it out. One day at time.

Fertilize Me said...

I have been told that too about "just chicking". I have to say that after today's appointment - It is starting to sounds ore and more convincing for me. I know you will get to that point for you too

A said...

i started to believe when my baby started kicking regularly - around 17 or 18 weeks.

i'm almost 23 weeks now, and there are still days when i dont believe that i will be the mother of this child. i dont know why - i just wonder if something will go wrong. i guess that's normal, though?

Waiting Amy said...

I don't know when that moment comes. I though it had come after my 10 wk appointment too, but now I'm starting to worry again as my next u/s approaches next week. Maybe after that one. (I hope)

Hoping it comes for you soon too!

Chris said...

I think that you will always be worried, that it goes with the territory. In spite of the worry, I would hate for you to miss out on all of the joy of this pregnancy. I would wish and hope and pray for you that you can simply enjoy each moment as it comes and not have to worry for the future. Maybe it's not realistic, but is is my wish, hope and prayer nonetheless.

Searching said...

Sending you hugs and prayers for a peaceful heart and a healthy little peanut squishing your bladder!

Ally said...

Katie, I am going right along with soapchick. I have faith and believe with all my heart that your beautiful baby will be born healthy and perfect.

Geohde said...

I don't know when the fear goes either. Ask me in 25 weeks (if I'm still pregnant) and hopefully I'll be over it by then.

J

waitinginline said...

I believe for you!!! I hope some day really soon you're able to find the peace in your heart.

Searching said...

You've been tagged (if you want)! :)