Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Make Love, Not War

When did making love to my husband stop being fun? It might have been when it went from being called making love to "timed intercourse." It might have been when I lost all cervical mucus from lack of estrogen. It might have been when my ovaries started to feel as if they might explode from all of those Super Eggs and sex turned into a punching bag sensation. It might have been when my husband said that I had become a Sex Nazi, telling him when, where, and how. It might be these and a hundred other things, but in any case, last night was not fun.

Actually, my husband and I have done a pretty decent job of keeping the love in making love as this adventure has progressed. But some nights, you're just not into it, and last night was one of those nights. My husband was recently promoted to a management position and he has been working these insane hours. He didn't even get home until 8:00 last night, after having left for work at 7:00 AM. To say that he is tired is an understatement. Then, there's me, hobbling around the house with my ovaries on fire.

We ate a late dinner and my husband wanted to watch a movie, but then remembered that we had "work to do" that night, so a movie was out of the question. Dutifully, we climbed the stairs, and got into bed. I'll spare you the details from there, but let me just say that when it was over, I cried, because it seemed to not have any sort of emotion in it whatsoever. And it wasn't even my husband's fault. He tried. But I just couldn't get into it, which made him lose interest, until finally we just decided to get it over with.

I just kept thinking about how if we are successful in our attempts this month, I will be so happy and so scared all at the same time. I still miss my sweet angel from our last pregnancy and all the others before him (or her, but I have always had a gut feeling that it was a boy). I can't imagine losing another baby and I know I will live in a state of fear for the first trimester and probably beyond. Gee, I guess we can add crying after sex to another reason why it's stopped being fun. That's gotta be great for a guy.

This morning, he gave me a big hug and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner tonight. He is a good guy and I know this is hard on him, too. I am glad that for the most part, I feel as if our relationship is actually stronger after going through all of this together. Sometimes, though, I still just feel so alone.


Polka Dot said...

Argh hon - I've been there and I understand exactly what you're going through. It sucks. Everything about it sucks. And the fact that it sucks all the fun and happy emotions tied in right out of it sucks even worse.

Just know that you're not alone. I know it feels like it. But you're not. *hugs*

Shelli said...

Hi there- found your blog via Mel's site. Fellow RPL'er here (I've had 4 losses in the last two years trying to conceive #2).

Funny how you mentioned the statistics against having RPL, here I thought I was alone in the unlucky %.

Often I wonder if it is better to have so many losses or not be pg at all. It just is so incredibly difficult.

Hugs to you. Let's help each other down this road.