Fear and Hope

I begin ECT on Monday.  That's just a few short days away.  As the time draws nearer, I spend a lot of time thinking, "Do I really need to do this?"

It seems extreme.  It is extreme.
My whole life will be turned upside down for a month while I do these treatments.  They are three times a week, smack in the middle of each day that they are scheduled.  It takes almost an hour to drive to the facility where the procedure will take place.  I am not sure how long each session lasts, though from my reading, it sounds like it will be quick.

I don't dread or fear the seizures.  It is weird to know that I will be having a planned seizure, when my whole life is spent avoiding seizures.  I do know what it's like to recover from a seizure.  One of the things I hate the most about a seizure is biting my tongue or cheek.  I often wake up with blood all over my face and clothes, because tongues bleed a lot when they are bitten.  From what I am able to gather, they use a mouth guard, so I shouldn't bite my tongue during these seizures.  The only literal pain is recovering from the

Other than that, time gets fuzzy around a seizure.  I often forget chunks of time immediately before and after one.  I am guessing this might be similar.

What do I fear most about ECT?  Something going wrong with the anesthesia is my number one fear.  I have no reason to fear anesthesia in particular, but going "under" twelve times in a month increases my chances that something could go wrong.  So I worry about that.

I worry that my memory will be obliterated.  I already struggle so much with my memory and to think of it being further compromised is scary.  

I worry it won't work.  I worry that I will wake up and feel exactly the same, only adding in memory issues to boot.

To add to my fears and concerns, I start a new job next week.  The timing honestly couldn't be worse.  I am just hoping that I will feel good enough to work after each session and that I won't be too compromised. 

I basically feel like a big ball of anxiety, thinking about all that could go wrong.  Of course, I also am clinging to the hope that everything will go well, that I will spring up from my very first ECT, with a renewed sense of well-being and purpose.  It isn't unheard of for patients to improve from just one session.  I sincerely hope that I am one of those people.

90%.  I just have to keep focusing on that 90%.  I deserve to be happy and healthy again and I choose to believe that this will be the key to that.  

90%.