As Emma nears her first birthday, I am putting away the clothes she no longer fits. Folding tiny onesies and sleepers that she once swam in, I am then pulling out the clothes that are crazy big on her for now and putting them in the place of what she has outgrown. I know that, only too soon, she will outgrow these. And the cycle will continue.
This weekend, I was prepping the house for some guests for the 4th, and I wanted some mindless t.v. on while I did my housework. I flipped through the channels and found Father of the Bride. I found myself standing in front of the t.v. during the scene where he reflects on Annie growing up through the years, tears streaming down my face, thinking of the day when Emma will leave us to marry someone - or even just leave the house to go to college.
I got a little. . . emotional. . . right before Will's birthday, too. With his big day, however, I was hopeful that I would have another baby and get to live the infant stage again.
This time, unless things in my world drastically change, there will be no more babies. I am truly okay with that, it is the right decision for our family on all levels. I have been miscarrying, pregnant, trying to get pregnant, and/or nursing since January 2006. I've had quite a run. And that might be part of it, too. I spent so much time getting and staying pregnant and focusing on babies, it is very difficult to switch that off.
I know that a child growing older is not something to mourn. It is the way life is supposed to be. I am supposed to be celebrating. And, don't get me wrong, I am celebrating. I am so proud of my little girl and how amazing she is. I seriously lucked out BIG TIME in how easy she was on me in this first year. That is something to party about in and of itself.
But I still get a bit weepy as I fold those tiny little clothes that she will never wear again. And smile as I get out the new ones that she will wear tomorrow.
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I've been having similar feelings putting away baby clothes that are now too small. I sort of feel like I'm in mourning for babies that will not be.
I understand. This break we are on now is the first break I've had since 2006 too. It's kind of weird to be the only one my body is responsible for. It's hard to switch that off.
I cry during most of Father of the Bride!
There's a verse in the bible about how our life is just a mist, here for just a moment and then gone. It's amazing how motherhood really highlights and shows us just how true that statement is. We are so blessed with the privelege of these babies and it takes a good heart to know how precious the time with them truly is!
I've been feeling similarly as my son starting attending camp for the first time ever this week. He is taking a packed lunch and arriving with so much enthusiasm he barely acknowledges me leaving.
As we wait to be matched in adoption purgatory and wonder if it will ever be for us, I can't imagine NOT doing this--raising an infant through toddlerdom and through preschool and beyond--again.
That movie sends me over the edge and makes me want to tell Hailey that she can't get married.
Every now and then I think about what it must be like for my mother to sit back and watch me be a mother...how weird is that going to be???
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