There have been a rash of pregnancy announcements here in the blogosphere lately. I am always so excited when good things happen to my blog friends, but I am starting to get a touch of the Gus. See, the thing is, these blessed pregnancies are happening to mywonderful mommy blogger friends who had their babies around the same time that I did. First, we were all going through cycles together, then all going through pregnancies together, then having newborns, and now. . . well, they are pregnant again.
And I am not.
Let me just stop right here and say that I realize this post sounds whiny. I don't want it to come across that way, but the purpose of this blog has always been as a way for me to process my feelings about infertility. I have been honest with my feelings here and I can't stop now. My feelings haven't always been pretty. I am not always proud of the way that I feel. I sometimes feel as if must be a pretty wicked person to be jealous of women who have been through hell.
What? Did I want my friends to have problems conceiving again? Would that make me feel better? Nope, not at all. In fact, it's safe to say, it would make me feel worse.
I guess it's just kind of that same feeling that I had before I became pregnant with Will. All of my friends were getting pregnant and I wasn't. All of my friends were staying pregnant and I wasn't. All of my friends were bringing home their Real Live Babies and I wasn't. I felt as if I was still waiting in line to get into the Mommy Club. . . and waiting. . . and waiting. . . and waiting.
Now, I feel the same way. I am stuck on the other side of the ropes again, this time waiting to get into the Second Time Mommy Club. Logically, I know that other people getting and staying pregnant has no real affect on my ability to do so. Emotionally, however, it makes me wonder, once again, what is wrong with me? Now even people that had problems before can have a baby again.
I do want to be clear, I am so happy for my friends. I do not begrudge them their healthy pregnancies, their wonderful Real Life Babies. I am thrilled for them and their families.
I just wish that infertility wasn't such a lonely process.