Friday, July 31, 2009

Left Behind

There have been a rash of pregnancy announcements here in the blogosphere lately. I am always so excited when good things happen to my blog friends, but I am starting to get a touch of the Gus. See, the thing is, these blessed pregnancies are happening to mywonderful mommy blogger friends who had their babies around the same time that I did. First, we were all going through cycles together, then all going through pregnancies together, then having newborns, and now. . . well, they are pregnant again.

And I am not.

Let me just stop right here and say that I realize this post sounds whiny. I don't want it to come across that way, but the purpose of this blog has always been as a way for me to process my feelings about infertility. I have been honest with my feelings here and I can't stop now. My feelings haven't always been pretty. I am not always proud of the way that I feel. I sometimes feel as if must be a pretty wicked person to be jealous of women who have been through hell.

What? Did I want my friends to have problems conceiving again? Would that make me feel better? Nope, not at all. In fact, it's safe to say, it would make me feel worse.

I guess it's just kind of that same feeling that I had before I became pregnant with Will. All of my friends were getting pregnant and I wasn't. All of my friends were staying pregnant and I wasn't. All of my friends were bringing home their Real Live Babies and I wasn't. I felt as if I was still waiting in line to get into the Mommy Club. . . and waiting. . . and waiting. . . and waiting.

Now, I feel the same way. I am stuck on the other side of the ropes again, this time waiting to get into the Second Time Mommy Club. Logically, I know that other people getting and staying pregnant has no real affect on my ability to do so. Emotionally, however, it makes me wonder, once again, what is wrong with me? Now even people that had problems before can have a baby again.

I do want to be clear, I am so happy for my friends. I do not begrudge them their healthy pregnancies, their wonderful Real Life Babies. I am thrilled for them and their families.

I just wish that infertility wasn't such a lonely process.


Ms. J said...

And then there are freaks like me, who are still having very mixed feelings about this. While I wanted a second child someday, it was not via pregnancy. It's just so foreign to me, as a concept, having gone through a toddler adoption.

I know you can identify with this mindset: I just HATE the history (you and me both) of early, recurrent m/c robs us of ever breathing easy, or feeling secure. Which is probably why I can't seem to feel happy about this turn of events.

Jen said...

I understand. Our friend is pregnant and I am unbelievably jealous.

Joy said...

You are completely normal and these feelings are real. You're not wicked at all. I've struggled with the same emotions. Even women who don't have fertility problems suffer these emotions during seasons when they're not pregnant don't WANT to be pregnant.

Anyone who says they've NEVER felt this way is a big fat liar. I'm sorry to say that but it is true.


Kathy said...

(((HUGS))) I don't know if it means much coming from me (since I am pregnant), but I appreciate where you are coming from and I think it is totally okay and very normal for you to feel this way.

It is really hard, no matter what stage of life you are in, if you want to be pregnant/have another child and it isn't happening for you, but it is for others you care about.

After five years of dealing with secondary infertility, leading up to this point, I would often feel guily for feeling bad about not being able to have another living child, when I had one (and knew I "should" be grateful, which I was). But when you have a child and want another one it is hard to avoid being around others who have a child(ren) and are having more and not to be jealous.

Anyway, I am sorry you feel left behind and am holding you close in my thoughts and prayers.(((HUGS)))

Geohde said...

I know how you feel.


chill said...

I totally get your feelings, but also envy you. Everyone passed me by the first time, and the second, and I am still struggling and wondering if it will ever happen for me.

You are doing a FET next month, right? Could be you soon, too!!

Rachel said...

I still feel incredibly jealous of new bumps, despite the fact that I can consciously admit that it is way too soon to be seriously considering one myself. Watching my friends still brings up an endless wave of 'why me' questions.

Victoria said...

I so feel exactly the same way. I am insanely grateful for my 28 month old son and we've been trying to have a sibling since he was 5 months. 5 IVFs, 1 DE cycle and a cancelled FET b/c the embies didn't survive the thaw later and I know I will not be pregnant again (believe me, at 43, I know this). I want to believe that I can happily adjust to being a mom of one, a family of three, but I cannot get past the void I feel with the unrealized dream of mothering an infant again and having a sibling for my son who I don't believe was meant to be an only child.
Meanwhile I'm on to plan a baby shower for a friend...

Fertilized said...

Infertility Sucks ..Feelings Suck .. and they are never easy to deal with. Admitting them is wonderful and honest and true to yourself. Good for you! I am hoping with all hope that you are soon joining the Mommy with #2 Club

Christine said...

Becareful what you wish for. I had my daughter on Oct 1st after 6 ivf attempts. We decided to do IVF this past June. I was not 100% ready but in case it took a long time I would rather them closer together than too far apart. worked the 1st time and I am 10 weeks pregnant with...triplets!!!!(How did that happen?) I am freaking out. Happy. Scared. Freaking out. Good Luck with your FET!

Kristen said...

You are not alone! I haven't even gotten PPAF yet so I can't even truly try. And I do get the teensiest bit jealous at all of the announcements going around. I think it stems from insecurity about my own fertility. I don't think I'll ever be lucky enough to have a baby without assistance. Of course, I still have hope that I'll be proven wrong ;)

Anyway, I understand completely where you're coming from. I hope we can both join the Momx2 club at the same time again.

Stacey said...

I can relate too, Katie. Thanks for being honest here about these feelings. I think many of us understand how you can feel happy for your friends and yet sad for your own situation.

It's hard to wait and it's hard to feel alone and left behind. I'm still waiting for my first child while most of my friends now have school-age kids.