Monday, April 7, 2008

Why Me?

This is a question that I have asked so many times in my infertility journey. As the blood and clots flowed from me after our first miscarriage, as the betas did not rise in our second and third losses, as I traced the ghostly final image of our sweet Gummy Bear, I begged and pleaded with God for answers.

I am not ashamed to admit that there were so many times that I wept openly, on my knees, asking God, "Why me? Why my husband? Why our babies? Why do other people get these blessings and we continue to face obstacle after obstacle, wrenching loss after wrenching loss?"

Certainly, I prayed. I also railed against God, knowing that He would rather have my anger than to have my back turned to him. I tried my best to believe that there was a why, but having it left unanswered was painful.

This weekend, my husband and I were given an amazing opportunity. My best friend's father is a minister and was in town to do the blessing for her nine-month-old son. She asked if we would also like to have our baby blessed during the same ceremony. We gratefully accepted. Her father performed a lovely blessing for their son and then turned to us. He blessed our baby, but he also asked for God's peace and grace for me, since he knows how much I have struggled with that during these many weeks. He spoke of Hannah, and how she prayed to God that He would end her barren struggle and give her a child. He did and Hannah was so thankful and raised her son to God. He asked me to remember Hannah's story when I was ill at ease, to remember the miracles that God creates each and every day.

His blessing was a comfort to me, but also brought me to ask the same question that I have asked so many times. This time, in a slightly different vein: "Why me, Lord? Why am I now being blessed with the miracle of my sweet baby boy, when others are still suffering so? I am not any better than these other people, in fact, I know I am not as good. Why me?"

In the post below, I called out just some of the many, many people that are going through such heartwrenching loss right now. Why me? Why them? I know it is not up to me to question His work, but it is so hard to see these people suffer. It makes me remember the times when I looked at others and wondered what they had done that I hadn't? The answer is simple: I have done nothing to truly deserve this. I have not suffered more or prayed harder. I have not been a better person or done some magic thing to wrought this miracle. I have not been patient, I have not been accepting, I have not been at peace with God's will, despite my very best efforts to be.

I am so thankful but still so sad. I hate that anyone has to ask this question. Because I don't think there is an answer.

9 comments:

alison said...

...being at peace with God's will... that's the hard part! That's what I struggle with every day. But at the same time, trying to make my desires match his will gives me a sense of peace that no matter how much I struggle against it, He is in control. *hugs*

Fertilized said...

katie that is beautiful for your friend and her dad to do that for you! That us such a sweet priceless gift!

Antigone said...

Finding any sort of peace is certainly a difficult but crucial endeavor. I'm still working on finding it for myself.

Joy said...

Beautifully written... and you've come to a place of maturity and humility when you began asking "Why am I pregnant now while others are suffering?" Compassion is important to have. Don't let the devil trick you into mistaking it for sadness or depression. Your testimony will touch many lives!!!

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

How eerie that I have been working on a post of the same title with the same theme. About how I used to question God about why me for struggling through infertility and now I am asking why me for this miracle when there are so many others who have struggled through so much more. His ways are beyond our understanding.

gracechild said...

Katie "it's by grace through faith that we have been saved; not by works least anyman should boast". I don't think we can ever fully understand the whys behind God's blessings; just accept His grace in all things. May His blessings continue to be showered on you & your son in Jesus name. Amen

Amy said...

Katie,

Finding any peace seems hard. It comes and it goes just as your questions will come and go. I believe that each of us, although on the same path have seperate off shoots to walk to find our own peace.

I'm wishing for you that fork in the road with peace waiting for you.

Mel said...

I just have to tell myself that only He knows what he's doing and it's our job to accept his will (whatever it may be) and pray for peace about it. We cannot compare our lives to one another because what he has planned for you is for you alone, we each have our set path for a reason and someday when we are with Him in Heaven, I imagine we'll be able to see why. Until then, I thank Him for the gift he has given you and pray that you will have peace about all of these questions in your heart.

Anonymous said...

Amen...it has taken me a LONG time (4 years) to realize there is nothing I can DO to merit God's favor in the form of a child. That also means that when we do have a child, it certainly isn't because I am somehow more worthy than others - a humbling thought in what otherwise would be a prideful moment. I have been through 2 miscarriages myself, and at the moment, I am just trusting that God DOES have a plan for us, and it is GOOD. We just have to wait and see what form His plan will take for us to grow our family. I hope and pray that you can also trust Him with His plan and the life of your precious son. For I believe that your son is even more precious to God than to you, and that is saying something. Blessings, MRS