Why Me?

This is a question that I have asked so many times in my infertility journey. As the blood and clots flowed from me after our first miscarriage, as the betas did not rise in our second and third losses, as I traced the ghostly final image of our sweet Gummy Bear, I begged and pleaded with God for answers.

I am not ashamed to admit that there were so many times that I wept openly, on my knees, asking God, "Why me? Why my husband? Why our babies? Why do other people get these blessings and we continue to face obstacle after obstacle, wrenching loss after wrenching loss?"

Certainly, I prayed. I also railed against God, knowing that He would rather have my anger than to have my back turned to him. I tried my best to believe that there was a why, but having it left unanswered was painful.

This weekend, my husband and I were given an amazing opportunity. My best friend's father is a minister and was in town to do the blessing for her nine-month-old son. She asked if we would also like to have our baby blessed during the same ceremony. We gratefully accepted. Her father performed a lovely blessing for their son and then turned to us. He blessed our baby, but he also asked for God's peace and grace for me, since he knows how much I have struggled with that during these many weeks. He spoke of Hannah, and how she prayed to God that He would end her barren struggle and give her a child. He did and Hannah was so thankful and raised her son to God. He asked me to remember Hannah's story when I was ill at ease, to remember the miracles that God creates each and every day.

His blessing was a comfort to me, but also brought me to ask the same question that I have asked so many times. This time, in a slightly different vein: "Why me, Lord? Why am I now being blessed with the miracle of my sweet baby boy, when others are still suffering so? I am not any better than these other people, in fact, I know I am not as good. Why me?"

In the post below, I called out just some of the many, many people that are going through such heartwrenching loss right now. Why me? Why them? I know it is not up to me to question His work, but it is so hard to see these people suffer. It makes me remember the times when I looked at others and wondered what they had done that I hadn't? The answer is simple: I have done nothing to truly deserve this. I have not suffered more or prayed harder. I have not been a better person or done some magic thing to wrought this miracle. I have not been patient, I have not been accepting, I have not been at peace with God's will, despite my very best efforts to be.

I am so thankful but still so sad. I hate that anyone has to ask this question. Because I don't think there is an answer.