Wow.

This blog used to be a place that I visited daily. When I was TTC, pregnant, and a new mom (and then again a TTC, pregnant, and a new mom to two), I was here often.

For those of you who don't read my private blog, I just wanted to say, I am sorry. I have turned into one of "those" bloggers. You know, who gets their happy ending and disappears.

For those of you who do read my private blog, you know that my happy ending has a decided twist. I am unbelievably blessed with my two miracle babies, but there have been some unexpected twists and turns along the way.

Then again, who doesn't have unexpected events in their life?

Who doesn't plan for things to be one way and then have to deal when they decidely go another?

I am not "special" in my discovery that sometimes, life just ain't fair, what we planned for, or what we dreamed of. And I am well aware of that fact.

Anyway, I am back. It's been awhile, and there is so much to update you on.

Will.. . he is 3 1/2. Not sure how that even happened. THREE AND A HALF. It's insane. He can carry on full conversations which include FULL ARGUING. He is delightful and sweet in one moment and whiny and obstinate in the next. My heart explodes with love for him and I am down-on-my-knees-grateful for the opportunity to be his mother.

Emma . . . 18 months old. Seriously? Really? YES. She talks up a storm. In full sentences. She sings, she laughs, she plays, she captures my heart daily. Her hair is curly and the ringlets that are starting form break my heart with their cuteness. She also has this adorable gap between her two front teeth that she will hate someday when she looks at pictures. But right now? It is precious beyond measure. I can't believe I got this lucky and get to parent this amazing little girl.

My job. . . well. I work full time. I miss my kiddos full time. But there is an element of freedom in working outside of the home that I never expected to enjoy, but I do in some way. I am not ashamed of this. It keeps me going. But it was an unexpected gift.

Do I feel guilty? OF COURSE. I believe parenthood, in general, is a lot about feeling guilty and wondering if we are doing the right thing.

I try to rely on my dad's advice. I do my best, each and every day. I love the HECK out of these precious beings and make important decisions with their well-being top of mind. When I am not working, I dedicate myself to spending that time with them.

The guilties emerge, as they probably always will, but I am doing my best. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.

I want to - NO, NEED TO - be the best for these babies. They deserve my all. After everything we endured to have them, I know how precious they are. I know how many moms are still waiting for their miracles.

Each day, I thank GOD for their existance. I thank GOD for the opportunity to love, hug, snuggle, kiss, and dote on these little beings. And sometimes, YES, I even thank GOD for my struggles with infertility. It reminds me, daily, how precious all of this is, how miraculous all of this is.

Will and Emma are my miracles.

Thank you, GOD.