Saturday, January 21, 2012

Wow.

This blog used to be a place that I visited daily. When I was TTC, pregnant, and a new mom (and then again a TTC, pregnant, and a new mom to two), I was here often.

For those of you who don't read my private blog, I just wanted to say, I am sorry. I have turned into one of "those" bloggers. You know, who gets their happy ending and disappears.

For those of you who do read my private blog, you know that my happy ending has a decided twist. I am unbelievably blessed with my two miracle babies, but there have been some unexpected twists and turns along the way.

Then again, who doesn't have unexpected events in their life?

Who doesn't plan for things to be one way and then have to deal when they decidely go another?

I am not "special" in my discovery that sometimes, life just ain't fair, what we planned for, or what we dreamed of. And I am well aware of that fact.

Anyway, I am back. It's been awhile, and there is so much to update you on.

Will.. . he is 3 1/2. Not sure how that even happened. THREE AND A HALF. It's insane. He can carry on full conversations which include FULL ARGUING. He is delightful and sweet in one moment and whiny and obstinate in the next. My heart explodes with love for him and I am down-on-my-knees-grateful for the opportunity to be his mother.

Emma . . . 18 months old. Seriously? Really? YES. She talks up a storm. In full sentences. She sings, she laughs, she plays, she captures my heart daily. Her hair is curly and the ringlets that are starting form break my heart with their cuteness. She also has this adorable gap between her two front teeth that she will hate someday when she looks at pictures. But right now? It is precious beyond measure. I can't believe I got this lucky and get to parent this amazing little girl.

My job. . . well. I work full time. I miss my kiddos full time. But there is an element of freedom in working outside of the home that I never expected to enjoy, but I do in some way. I am not ashamed of this. It keeps me going. But it was an unexpected gift.

Do I feel guilty? OF COURSE. I believe parenthood, in general, is a lot about feeling guilty and wondering if we are doing the right thing.

I try to rely on my dad's advice. I do my best, each and every day. I love the HECK out of these precious beings and make important decisions with their well-being top of mind. When I am not working, I dedicate myself to spending that time with them.

The guilties emerge, as they probably always will, but I am doing my best. Day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.

I want to - NO, NEED TO - be the best for these babies. They deserve my all. After everything we endured to have them, I know how precious they are. I know how many moms are still waiting for their miracles.

Each day, I thank GOD for their existance. I thank GOD for the opportunity to love, hug, snuggle, kiss, and dote on these little beings. And sometimes, YES, I even thank GOD for my struggles with infertility. It reminds me, daily, how precious all of this is, how miraculous all of this is.

Will and Emma are my miracles.

Thank you, GOD.

11 comments:

crystaldale said...

I found your blog a couple of days ago after doing google searches about recurrent chemical pregnancies. I've had two in the last three months. Anyway, I couldn't get enough of your blog! It was like crack for me. lol! A lot of the comments you made have come out of my own mouth numerous times. It's nice to hear from someone who understands this hell. I started at the beginning of your blog and read up until you had just finally gotten pregnant with your son. Unfortunately, my husband did something to my bookmark thingy and I lost my spot. So when I got back on today, I saw your post from yesterday. Wow, it was like skipping to the end of a book to see how it ends...and a happy ending at that. Congrats!

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

Wait! Do I follow your private blog?

peesticksandstones said...

I miss you! I was following your private blog for a while, but then suddenly my log-info stopped working after I read it from another computer or something? Hmmm.

HereWeGoAJen said...

I'm glad that you are finding your new job to be enjoyable! I love your two miracles too. :)

It Is What It Is said...

So glad to see a post from you here (and elsewhere from time to time ;) and to get even a brief update on Will and Emma.

Glad

Anonymous said...

Happy New Year to you and your family! I am so glad to see you are back, I love reading your posts and life as you know it with two little ones (my littles ones are the same age as Will and Emma and I work part time). Looking forward to hearing all about what your Will and Emma are up to.
Erica

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you back. I have been following along since before Will was conceived and have enjoyed watching your happy ending :) Hope you will be posting more often.

Christy said...

Why hello there stranger! Aren't 3 1/2 year olds amazing and aggravating at the same time? We are in the same place with Andrew. I don't read your private blog (didnt' know/remember you had one), but I do hope that all is well with you off-blog.

Stacey said...

I'm glad you're back and enjoyed the update on your two little (or BIG, rather) miracles! Happy 2012!

Beth said...

You truly are Superwoman.

Welcome back, and Happy 2012, Katie!

meemawfish said...

I'm having a hard time commenting on your other blog but I will say I'm so proud of you and hope the kiddo's appreciate what a great mom they have.

XOXO
meemaw