Friday, October 14, 2011

Separating Anxiety

As the days dwindle on this phase of my life, I am feeling all sorts of sentimental. Being a SAHM has been one of the greatest joys and privileges of my life. It was my life-long dream and the fact that it's over . .. I honestly still can't believe it.

I know this next move is what is best for our family on many different levels. Like most things in life, there will be some not-so-great-things that come with it. I am both trying to stay in this spot and reach forward all at once.

I remember right before Emma was born, I experienced these same feelings. I knew everything was about to change. I knew it would be for the best and I knew it was a change that I wanted. But. . . it was still so hard to let go of the life I had been leading, knowing the way it would alter my relationship with both M and Will, knowing that things would never be the same. While I was incredibly excited to get on with the show, I also tried to cling to those last few days, make the very best of them. I remember the frustration I felt, that I should have been able to "do" those days better, but the exhaustion of pregnancy and my nerves challenged me, and those last few days felt chaotic and emotionally raw.

Well, here we go again. I am clinging to these last few days, knowing that our lives are about to change, that things will never be the same. With Emma going through a bout of teeting (three molars at ONCE) and Will going through The Threes, I definitely feel as if these days could be "done" better. I am nervous myself, wondering how I am going to manage the fine art of working outside of the home and parenting two children. Oh, and toss being a wife and CEO of All Things House in there, too. I know millions of people do it every day, but I know it is challenging. I know there will be good days and bad days and lots of in between days.

The only "cure" for this last time was just to DO IT; just to have Emma and get on with the new life. Anticipation is the worst emotion to me, because there is no action in it. Once I am started, we will all have the adjustment phase and then we can react to the challenges that we meet along the way. But we will be doing it, rather than planning for it or just thinking about it.

I think the biggest thing that I need to keep in mind is that, no matter what, my kids will still be my kids. I will still have a relationship with them, and even though it will look a bit different than it does now, that doesn't mean it isn't a good relationship - that it can't even be a better relationship! I just need to really, really believe that.

6 comments:

And so it goes said...

I can so relate to your reflections on emotions that swirl when on the verge of a major life transiiton. Even though your changing chapter right now is different than mine, it really hits home for me.

Hang in there...

HereWeGoAJen said...

Change is always scary. I know you are making the right decision though and it will all feel like normal soon.

Laura said...

Ugh. I think the anticipation is the worst!! But I know you will rock it! Sure, there will be hard days, but there are hard days no matter what. Good luck my dear.

asrubin10 said...

You're going to do great! You've been such an inspiration to me as I just had baby #2! Just make sure you give yourself time to adjust and settle into a new routine before being too hard on yourself. And just keep telling yourself: it'll all get done, what needs to get done will get done!

Stacey said...

Wishing you all the best as you go through this transition. Although it may take some time to adjust, I feel sure that you'll do great!

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

Such an emotional times.

Your last paragraph really made me think...I believe that it's so important for kids to see that their mothers have something outside of the home. It shows them as a whole person and not just their own personal Mama...while you can be that too, they need to know that there's more out there for their Mom.