Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Radio Silence

Will was very sick last week. We ended up at Children's Hospital with a suspected diagnosis of Kawasaki Disease. It was the worst two days of my life. Holding him down for tests and making him suffer, even if for a good cause, was heartbreaking. The fact that some moms and dads have to do this every single day for their very sick children is unfathomable. He is fine now and was never in any true danger, but it was still a scary, awful place to be. In addition to that, my dear readers, there is more that you need to know. My blog has always been a source of solace for me, a place to turn where I can spill my thoughts, and say what I need to say. Unfortunately, there are some thoughts and feelings that I can't spill here. If you knew me in real life, you would know that I am a lot of things, but I am not fake. I do not have a poker face, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am the same way here on the blog. I can't pretend everything is okay when it isn't. This past year has had a lot of hits, some of which I have not been able to share here. I feel as if I do a fairly good job standing back up after I've been knocked down for the most part. Right now, I am having a hard time standing back up. I come here and try to write a post and the blank whiteness just stares back at me. I type a line and it mocks me because it is only part of the story. I am not trying to be cryptic here at all. There are just some things that are not blog-able and the fact that I cannot write about so much ends up being like a wine cork for me. I can't seem to unbottle the rest of it. But I just wanted you to know where I have been and where I might be if I am not here as often.

22 comments:

Kathy said...

Oh Katie! I am sorry that you have had such a rough week and also a very challenging year. It is so hard to watch our children suffer.

I am sorry that I haven't been here reading and commenting regularly in awhile.

I guess I picked the right day to check in and see how you are doing. I am sorry that I am not finding you in better spirits.

Recently, after "coming out" about my blog in February I realized (the very hard way) that I now need to scale back how open I am on my blog (and maybe I should have never been as candid as I was), now that I know a lot more people that I have relationships IRL are reading.

Anyway, my point is that I appreciate wanting so desperately to be able to share more about some of what is going on in my life on my blog, but also realizing that it is no longer the place where I can share EVERYTHING (or almost) anymore.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I think you still have my email address, but let me know if you don't. You are certainly welcome to contact me that way if you want to vent or discuss anything that you don't feel comfortable sharing here.

Hang in there. I promise it will not be so long before the next time I comment here. I have missed you and look forward to reconnecting, supporting you and reading/commenting on whatever you do feel able to write about here in the future. (((HUGS)))

the d'angelo family said...

I am a loyal reader, but am stinky at commenting. I'm here reading when you're ready and able to write...please know that I'll be thinking of you and your dear family.

alison said...

Sending you hugs and prayers my dear.

Ms. J said...

Sending you love and strength.

You don't have to have all of the answers all at once. You don't.

You have carried so many of us, so many times. It's okay to step back. It's okay to read others' blogs and comment or not comment. You don't have a duty to make everything public on your blog, nor to update with full disclosure or regular frequency.

It's okay to step back. This is YOUR space. It's okay to post a note of "I'm okay...today." Or "I'm not okay...the past hour has been rough." Whether you choose to give details or not.

It's okay to take the stuff you need to talk about and email folks privately. Or text.

I want you to know, deep inside you, that you are bright and capable and have many people who will help prop you up when you need it. People who know you in real life, and in blog-world. People who will cheer you when you need it, remind you of how capable you are, and will listen when you just need to vent. People who will distract you with talk about the upcoming Royal Wedding or the latest on "The R.eal Housew.iv.es."

It's okay to reach out to different people for different things and for different reasons. I have a good friend who doesn't do well when it comes to tears or feelings. I email Adrian and say "distract me!" and will get a stream of chatter on celeb gossip and fashion until I am feeling okay again. And I have friends I can email for the billionth time crying about babies lost.

You get what I am saying, I know you do. Let us all comfort you, in the ways you need.

HUGS . . . a glass o'wine.

HereWeGoAJen said...

I'm sorry that you had that scare with Will. I'm glad that he's fine.

I was going to email you today to check on you. Sometimes standing back up is hard, especially when you've been knocked down so many times.

It Is What It Is said...

I'm sorry that Will was so sick. I watched an episode of Top Chef Masters and one of the chef's charities was for Kawasaki's Disease (his son has it).

I am also sorry that you've been going through so much and that you don't feel you can write/blog/share it. I do understand that when you are "out" on your blog and not anonymous, it sometimes makes you edit. I hope you have IRL friends that you are able to reach out to, share with, and get support from.

Mommy Shoes said...

I am so sorry to hear about the scare and enduring watching your son undergo all of the medical testing.

And hugs to you for all that is going on. Give yourself grace.

AwkwardMoments said...

Katie - I am so sory 0- Me email is a direct line to me.

Email me, Whatever it takes I am here for you.. I miss you

manapan said...

I'm so glad Will is okay!

Even when you are not blogging, I think of your family often. ((((Hugs)))) for you all, and I hope you can feel better soon too.

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

That is so.freaking.scary.

Have you considered doing a private blog? One where no one can find you?

It may help to get some of the other crap out where no one would judge, have an opinion, or bother you.

Do what you have to do...we'll be here when you need us.

Marnee said...

We loved your entry last year for the "What IF" Blog Challenge. So, we wanted to make sure you knew about the new RESOLVE Blog Challenge! We hope that you will submit a new blog about the biggest infertility myth and how has it effected your life or the life of your friends and family members. Bloggers who submit their blog during the National Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-April 30) will be eligible to win the RESOLVE Hope Award for Best Blog. Please click here for details: http://goo.gl/cFHCI


Thank you,
Marnee Beck
RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association

RoseAnn said...

Yours is the third mention of Kawasaki disease I've heard in as many weeks (another commenter mentioned the Chopped All-Stars reference; plus there was an episode of ER way back in Season 2 that I recently rewatched).

I hope you are able to find support and comfort for whatever you have going on that can't be shared on the blog. Whether IRL or another online forum, release can be healing.

Laura said...

Glad Will is better. But take care of yourself. I hope things turn around for you soon. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Ashley said...

I am so sorry to hear Will (and you and M) had such a rough week, but I happy he is doing better now!

I hope your personal issues will improve quickly. Sending thoughts your way!

Mel said...

Love you, love you, love you. Lord, I lift up my friend Katie to you in prayer! Please give her strength and encouragement and place a hand of healing over her home.
xoxo

Julie, Todd, Kate and Miles said...

Katie,
Sorry to hear you've been having a rough time. The first year with 2 under 3 is such a struggle by itself--I can't imagine adding more struggles along side it. I don't comment very often these days, but I do check in to see how you are doing. I'm sorry Will had to be at children's too. Not sure if I've told you that I work there...I'm glad that Will is ok, poor thing. Let me know if you need anything. Take care, Julie

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

*HUGS*

And so it goes said...

Big Big hugs hon. (Sorry for the belated comment.) Sounds like everything is layering on top of layers. Prayers for you that some of this burden is lifted. sorry to hear your walking a tough road right now.

Rachel said...

It must have been terrifying to have to have Will in the hospital. I am so glad that the diagnosis was negative. And also sorry to hear that other things are not going well. I hope that you find the support that you need.

Sandra said...

Well good luck and take care...Kawasaki...wow, you hear about it, you just never think it will actually afflict some innocent child.

Sophie said...

Just want to let you know I've been following your blog since before your pregnancy with Will... mainly because you and I had some IF (and loss) parallels, and I found comfort in your writings. Your experiences and sharing of your feelings truly made me feel less alone. I want to let you know you've made a difference, and I hope your strength and heart continue to serve you well!

Searching said...

So sorry I didn't see this earlier (was out of country for a bit). I know it is so scary & difficult to see your little child sick, then to go through all those awful tests, not be able to just rock him & have the hurt go away. I am so sorry he was in the hospital & all that entails. I pray he is doing better now & now further relapses of any kind!! Poor momma, that alone would throw you off!

You are very strong, resourceful, and sweet as anyone I've ever met. You WILL find a way to drag yourself back up. It may take awhile, may be really tough, but I have faith you will do it. If part of helping you get there is going password protected, private, or making a second blog, then do that. It's about you and those precious munchkins. Whatever YOU need. Hang in there and know you are in my prayers!