Monday, February 23, 2009

The Aftermath

First of, I am out of Memorial Monday posts. . . please send in your submissions!

Last night was a rough one with Will. For the first time in a very long time, he did not sleep through. He woke up at 12:30 and 4:00. He was absolutely beside himself at the 4:00 AM wake up and cried inconsolably. I was pretty sure that he must be sick, but he seems fine today. Guess it's just the randomness of babyhood . . . or maybe another tooth coming in. Have I mentioned that he already has two? I can't feel too sorry for myself, because he has been sleeping so very well. But I still hope a new pattern hasn't started.

I am still officially employed by my company for another week and a half. But for all intents and purposes, I am really done. I am doing some menial work, such as contacting customers, letting them know that I am not returning, doing my final expenses, and cleaning out files. The buzzards are also circling. Promotions don't come up often in this area, so I have had many people calling to get the inside scoop on the accounts as they prepare for the interview. I will no doubt be replaced before I am even officially gone - the Circle of Life, as it were.

I am a mixture of emotions over the whole thing. My gut knows that we have made the right choice, and I am mostly happy, and feel incredibly blessed to even have this opportunity. It was no accident, however. We worked hard and made choices to get us to this spot, including saving like squirrels and forgoing a nicer home and amenities. Our house is perfectly decent, but we could have had much nicer if I had planned to keep working.

I do have moments of uncertainty, such as when one of the vultures called to "get my job." I hadn't talked to this particular rep for many years and she was not friendly when we did speak. All of a sudden, she was gushing over our close business relationship and trying to get in my good graces. It made the competitive me come out, the one that wanted to say, "Just who do you think you are, trying to get my job?!?!"

The reality is that it's not my job anymore. I have a different job now. And he is going to keep me plenty busy.

But I still feel as if I have lost a little bit of something. Almost as if I am ending a long term relationship, which I suppose, I really am. I still like the person, but have come to realize that it's just not going to work for me right now. I want to still be friends, but the cold, hard reality is that we probably won't be. I put a lot of myself into this job for a very long time and it is hard to let go.

Then, of course, I look at Will and can't imagine leaving him. I know that the really important work that I do will reflect in him as he learns and grows. I see how happy he is, and I would like to believe that I have had something to do with that. Time will tell.


Anonymous said...

I'm sure you're in bittersweet territory still, but I think it's one of those things that will get easier with time. Plus it can't hurt seeing sweetie-pie Will's face every day. :) I can't wait to hear all about all the challenges and joys of your "new" job. xoxo

Tracy said...

I still mourn my old's perfectly normal. One morning, you'll be hanging with Will, and he'll smile or laugh at you or do something equally amazing, and you will be SOOOO glad you are home with him. Heck, it might be tomorrow.

Did I invite you to view my blog? I've changed it to private. If not, just shoot me an email.

Fertilized said...

it ebbs and flows!

yeah for teeth!

Kim said...

It will get easier, I promise. Try to get involved in some kind of 'mommy group' in your area, making some friends with babies should help. Or you can meet moms through something like Gymboree Play & Music.

...The Obnoxious SAHM said...

I agree with Kim - getting away and change of scenery can do wonders. It will get easier. Here's a hug for you. - d

Mel said...

The suck up coworker thing is irritating. I would have felt the same way. I cannot even imagine what all you are feeling, I find myself often daydreaming about the fun things Husband and I used to do every weekend and crash back down when I realize those days are simply gone. It's not that you would change it AT ALL, it's just a feeling that's hard to explain.
You are amazing and doing great. I have no doubt you made the right decision and you won't regret it. ;)