You Should See My Heart

I am 25 weeks pregnant.

My little guy is moving and grooving up a storm.

In fact, as I type, he is making my stomach move side to side.  He is also giving me massive heartburn, but that is another story.

We are 99% set on a name.  Andrew Robert.  Andrew just because we like it (it was on our short list of favorites when we named Will) and like the option of two short versions; Andy and Drew.  We will likely go with Drew.  Robert is my dad's name, and we are keeping this part a secret, to surprise him when the baby is born. 

The nursery is set up, as in all furniture is up, the bedding is in the crib, and I have started washing, folding, and putting away little newborn and three month size clothes.  We are 100% moved into our new home, but only about 50% unpacked.  What that means is that I have a garage filled with boxes, filled with stuff that I clearly don't need. 

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Being a working outside the home mommy is tough.  News flash, right?

That being said, being a stay at home mommy is tough, too.  After seven months of being a working outside the home mommy, all I can say for sure is this:  Being a parent is tough and there is give and take, no matter what you decide to do.  There are benefits to working for sure, just as there were benefits to staying home.  I find myself balancing things just as much as I did when I stayed home; perhaps I am juggling some different things.  There is the omnipresent Mommy Guilt that nags at me no matter what I am doing, it's just guilt about different aspects of my life now.

I will say that having a nanny has made my life exponentially easier and I love the fact that most mornings, the kidlets are still happily sleeping as I depart for the day.  We only used out of the home care for about two months, and every morning was so stressful.  I am sure I would have gotten a better routine down eventually, but it is nice not to have that crazy rush in the morning, especially on mornings that I have to leave super early. 

Our nanny is incredible.  She is great with the kids; creative, fun, and engaging.  She has a lot of energy, which is definitely a BIG plus right now (since my energy is flagging).  In addition to keeping the children happy, healthy, and safe, she also does a lot of extras around the house, including dishes, laundry, mopping, and vacuuming.  As one of my girflriends says, "It's like having a wife!" 

Emma will be turning two (TWO?!?!?) in just a few weeks.  That is just mind-blowing to me.  Equally mind-blowing is how amazing she is.  I know, I know, I am hardly unbiased, but trust me when I telll you, she is an incredible little girl.  She is just so precious.  I seriously fall in love with her more and more each day.  She is so sweet, so sassy, so full of spunk.  She has her toddler moments, and has even thrown a few full-on tantrums, but overall, she continues to define the word "easy" in a child.  And while I may have just jinxed myself, I will say, she has always been easy and laid-back, but she still has her own mind and isn't afraid to express herself.

Will is going to be FOUR in August.  This is equally insane to think about.  He is quite the Big Kid these days.  Three was a challenging year for us and he still whines a lot and has the occasional tantrum that kind of comes out of nowhere.  But he is also far more independent, able to do a lot for himself, and he is a very sweet and kind big brother.  He is excited for his baby brother to arrive and I was thrilled to watch him with my nine-month-old nephew this past weekend.  He was so gentle and caring and I can't wait to see him with Drew. 

The other day, I was in the grocery store with my two lil' monkeys.  They were behaving well, but you know how it is, they are still distracting.  I was trying to pay at the check-out and they both chose that moment to "need" something.  The cashier said, "Boy, you have your hands full, don't you?"

I shrugged kind of helplessly as I attended to Will's request for water and Emma's for her Clifford book and put in my customer loyalty number all at once.  A sweet older lady in line behind me leaned forward and said, "Don't you worry, honey.  Your hands might be full, but think about how full your heart is!"

I loved that.  Absolutely loved it.  I get a lot of eye rolls, rude (yes, rude!) comments about being crazy for having #3, and etc.  It gets tiring sometimes, when people ask how I will handle it all.  And I think back to the days when I didn't have any children, didn't know if I ever would, didn't know if I would ever be called mommy.  And there is not one minute that I will spend in this lifetime wishing away these three sweet babies of mine.  Not one. 

Yes, it is crazy. 

Yes, I am tired.

Yes, there are days when I feel overwhelmed and worry about how I will handle it all.

And then, I think about my heart and how filled with love it is.  And I think about how it used to be broken.  And I know that I am so much luckier than I ever could have counted on or dreamed of when it comes to the babies I have been blessed with.

I want to get this made into a t-shirt, or maybe stickers, or a banner that I carry around with me.  Because it is so true.