Sunday, September 4, 2011

Mismatched, Mishmashed

It's so funny the spot I find myself in now. It's an odd place to be, where I don't quite fit in anywhere.

I am not quite a working mom yet. I am still home with the kids. I won't even be back at work for over a month.

I am not quite a SAHM anymore, either. My SAHM-friends are already making plans that won't include me. They aren't being exclusive, but it's a fact that I won't be able to sign up for Mommy n' Me classes that will go until December and I won't be able to help start a co-op art class that probably won't get off the ground until after the New Year. The reality is that our lives are already separating. We will remain friends, but things will change.

I have tried to stay in the moment, but it's also very hard to see all of the exquisitely tiny things that children do every day and know that soon, I won't be seeing them. Like Will waking up from a nap with bedhead and half-closed eyes, yet reaching for me for a sweaty, little boy-hug. Like making a tent in his bed and snuggling down with him and Emma and a pile of books and stopping to notice the perfection of their little feet. And though it sounds dreadfully "1950 called and would like its housewife back", I have enjoyed the little things along the way. I enjoy the homemaking part of homemaking. I love preparing dinner, I love slicing vegetables for a salad, baking a cake for dessert, lighting candles that smell of cinnamon and pumpkin, and tidying the house before M gets home (but I draw the line at fluffing my hair, washing the kids' faces, or making him a martini - he doesn't like them). It's not that I won't get to do these things anymore, but I know it, too, will change.

Lest I wax too poetically, let me also assure you that I have felt frustrated on days with no schedule, where I seem busy all day with nothing to show for it at the end. Days when dinner is the only thing burning and the house is a disaster when M walks in (and I am drinking a martini). The days when Will throws a legendary tantrum, that ends with me yelling at him and feeling badly and wondering if they wouldn't be better off with someone professionally trained on how to deal with a toddler. There have been days when I have looked at the long-neglected suits in my closet, packed carefully away in their garment bags, and thought longingly of putting one on and feeling that "I'm someone" feeling that you get when you slide them on (people treat you very differently when you wear a suit and have hair that is styled and make up that took more than two minutes to glob on).

So, as you can see, I continue to live in this in-between world, partially longing to stay where I am and partially excited to venture forth. October feels forever away and tomorrow all at once.

* * *

This returning to work thing is complicated. I have many thoughts and feelings that I can't share here in this public space. I can't really discuss much about work on here and I have come to the conclusion that it will be best if I have a password protected blog for readers that are interested in knowing more about our decision and personal things about my transition to a working mother. I will be keeping this blog open for general stories about Will and Emma, my continued thoughts on parenting after infertility and loss, and lighthearted reads about our lives together. If you are interested in following the less-public version of the story, please either leave a comment with your name and e-mail address or e-mail me with the information.

38 comments:

A'Dell said...

Erm, yes, password please. OF COURSE>

HereWeGoAJen said...

I know how you feel about the homemaking part of homemaking. I love that too. Most of the time.

Yes, password please. :)

asrubin10 said...

I would love to follow! Best of luck starting back to work; I empathize with you....

Searching said...

Please send me a password! searching_4_hope at yahoo dot com.

Roadblocks and Roller Coasters said...

I want in!

Roadblocks and rollercoasters at gmail dot com

Allison said...

I would love to continue reading all the details but I understand if you want to keep it more private. I so enjoy your writing and have been following since wills pregnancy. Being a working mom is tough stuff but the little bit I know about you I think you will do great!

Norrisak@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

I would love love love a password!!

Kamsidhu_84@hotmail.com

Rachel said...

It is tough. I'd love to keep reading. longdistanceinfertility (at) gmail.

Pamala said...

Hardest part for me returning to work, losing my friends. Be better than me and try to keep up with them.

On a side note you have my email so if you'd send me the password that'd be great. =)

It Is What It Is said...

Ha, now there's a way to bring the lurkers out of the shadows :)

Yes, please, password
dolfynstar@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

Password please - I want to keep reading :)

Cmjensen23@yahoo.com

christine said...

I would love to continue on with you. I am a working mother of 3. My daughter is turning 3 on 10/1 and my twins are 19mo. I have been reading since you got the phone call in the jewelery store! Christine.Carroll@mwmc.com

Thanks

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

I completely understand your mixed emotions...I'm 2 years out from going back full time and I have many of the same thoughts (now if I could only find a martini).

I'd love to keep reading (shocker, right?)

rabresch 72 at yahoo dot com

Beth said...

yes, please send me a password!

bethajoy at hotmail dot com

Cynthia said...

I would like to know how your transition goes. luckykymom at g mail dot com

Laura said...

Would love to follow your other blog.
Lobug2@msn.com.

meemawfish said...

I would love to have the password. Good luck on the new job and I'm sure the kiddo's will be great.

pat.stephens@shawinc.com

Love,
Meemaw

Anonymous said...

I too would love to continue reading your story and would love to have the password. I love reading about your gorgeous children and how you parent - you are such a great Mom.
All the very best
Erica

eworsley@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

would love the password - been reading for a while :)
jillchait@gmail.com

Sonali said...

I would love to keep following you,esp since I am a fellow working mom. My email is sdkandhari@gmail.com

alison said...

Me me, I want to keep reading! :)

RoseAnn said...

I feel silly asking because I feel like a total lurker. I'd love to keep reading, though...roseannmartin at comcast dot net.

Jackie said...

I would love to keep reading. I've not commented much in the past, but have read for awhile. I wish you much luck returning to work. I am a working mom and enjoy reading how other working moms "make it work."
jmwhitis at gmail dot com

Jen said...

Hang in there. Every transition comes with it's ups and downs. And the truth is that nobody can do it all, so unfortunately we have to make choices sometimes when we'd rather not. There will still be homemaking opportunities as a working mom (although I highly recommend a house cleaner...I love mine!). And there are classes you can do with your kids on the weekends even if you won't be with the SAHMs you know now. Hang in there...and if you need some support or somebody to just listen let me know.

Oh and please send me the password? Pretty please???

A New Beginning said...

I would love the password please.

Cara said...

I know..I was laid off for 2 yrs after having my almost 3-yr old>>> it was torture going back to work. But! She does have "frens" at daycare and seems to enjoy it for the most part. I'd love to follow along on your impending journey!
~Cara
cmm0273@hotmail.com

Anonymous said...

Hoping you'll include me. I so enjoy following you as our children are just weeks apart.
danielle_schipper@yahoo.com

Kristen said...

I find myself in the boat you were in before you made your decision to return to work. I am struggling with leaving the SAHM life so I would love to continue to follow your journey. You're a great mom and I love your insight, it sure helps me! And also, our baby girls are just 3 weeks apart. ksfowles@hotmail.com

peesticksandstones said...

I can relate to so much of this post -- trying back on my "professional self" again has been such a rollercoaster. I have felt giddy, exihlerated, relieved. Yet also panicked and sad sometimes. It's also tough feeling not quite like a part of the SAHM "scene" anymore, yet not quite being hardcore "working lady" all the way yet. I am so there, sister.

One good thing, though, is my son LOVES his nursery school-place. I can tell he's truly thriving there, and misses it when he's home for long stretches. Part of me feels a bit sad by that, too, but it's cool to see how independent he's becoming and that in turn makes me feel free-er to pursue the professional stuff.

But yeah. I'm not sure this will ever be easy. Also jealous at how it seems to affect the dads a hell of a lot less... these decisions, these adjustments, etc.

Please do send me a password to peesticksandstones at gmail dot com.

Sending lots of love! Enjoy lighting those candles... I love the fall-y smells...

Annalien said...

I work full-time and have gone back to work when each of my kids was 3 or 4 months old. It was hard everytime (the oldest was the hardest), but you know what, they are fine - happy and well-adjusted. And I need the stimulation of work (and the paycheck of course). Ideally I would love to have a part-time job (best of both worlds), at the moment that is just a dream. With regard to friends, I am lucky in that almost all my friends are also working moms.

I would be honoured to have the password to your new blog. I have been reading here since before you were pregnant with Will. My e-mail address is annalien.nell at necsa.co.za.

Mrs. Piggy said...

I need it all! kjbrusky at gmail dot com

Sophie said...

OK, I think I need a password!! I've also been reading since pre-Will pregnancy, and I had my son about a year before Will, (after 3 miscarriages and years of IF). Would love to still follow the good, bad, and all in between :)
Srrandall1@aoldotcom

Anonymous said...

I have followed your journer since before your children arrived and I would love to continue. However, how can I do that without sending my email address to this public comment section? I do not have a blog to share with you.
Nancy

Ms. Unexpected said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elise Ford said...

Hi Katie! I would love to follow you to your new blog. I'm a working mama, too (though I'm on maternity leave right now). We've emailed a time or two - I have a Will of my own a few months younger than your Will, and now a precious new baby girl as well.

My email address is eford@jonesday.com if you decide to grant me access.

Thanks!
Elise

Rebecca said...

yes, please! rom933@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

I've followed you since I had my loss in 2008. Although I haven't commented much at all, I'd love to continue following. My email is heathermatijakovic@yahoo.com Thanks, Heather

M said...

I've never commented but I've read everything up to now and would love more reading if you have a chance to add me. I've had 3 chemicals and one missed miscarriage all in 2012 and am currently in another 2ww.