Today, I was burbling Emma's tummy, kissing and loving on her. Ever since we had walked into my MIL's house, she wanted nothing to do with anyone but me. I loved every second of it, and before I thought about what I was saying, I called her a"momma's girl."
I looked up and saw the look of pain in my sister-in-law's eyes. I knew RIGHT THEN the full truth of the matter: I have become one of them. I am one of the belly-rubbing, diaper-bag-toting, kid-snot-wiping FERTILES. With not one, BUT TWO, children.
Except I am not.
Because at that very moment, watching the pain in her eyes, I hated myself as much as she did.. . for hurting her, for causing her the same pain others used to cause me.
Later, I talked to her, let her know that not a day goes by that I don't think of her and those two baby girls. She cried and so did I. She is still bleeding, still producing milk, still grieving. I told her I was sorry for earlier and that I know that watching that would have killed me four years ago. She nodded and admitted, "It is hard."
At least we can talk about it.
But it still is awful.
And I hate it.
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4 comments:
I hate it too. And it is awful. I am still thinking of her too.
From your earlier blog posts about your SIL, I really had a feeling that a few months after the horrible death of her girls she would start processing in a more outward way...by that I mean showing her grief, admitting to it in drips and drabs, and letting a few people inside her head and heart.
I remain so very sad for her loss, and your's as their aunt. But I am glad that she has you to lean on and share with, and I know you won't push her to share when she isn't up to it, nor tell her to "get over it" or say anything trite, no matter when or how her grief is on display.
As much as I have learned about respecting the process in which one becomes a parent and their journey, I have also learned we must respect and accept the process of grief, equally. There is not right or wrong way.
I'm so glad you said something to her. I think a lot of people in that situation would stay silent for fear of offending or causing her more pain. I'm sure it's helpful that you allowed her to really openly feel everything without having to grin and bear it.
Ugh...it's like survivor guilt. I'm still so sad for her, but you're right...at least you can talk about it.
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