Friday, May 13, 2011

So Much Sadness

My sister in law found out today that both of her daughters have passed away. She would have been 24 weeks pregnant tomorrow. She had an ultrasound yesterday, during which the technician kept saying that everything was perfect. Both girls had heartbeats. She had an appointment with a different doctor today. Both babies are gone. I don't know anything more. Just that we are all brokenhearted.

ETA: More information is starting to come in. Yesterday's ultrasound wasn't a good as my MIL thought. The baby was alive and had a heartbeat (151 BPM), but apparently, there were other indicators that all wasn't well. My MIL did say that Baby B was not as active as Baby A and that its head seemed to be lolling, but the technician said the baby was sleeping. I do think it's weird that the tech would say everything was perfect and even give my MIL a video clip of the babies, but I do know that they aren't really supposed to say anything.

When my SIL arrived at UW today, baby B had already passed (at 11:30 AM). There was a very large, very visible knot in the cords. Basically, the two cords were so wrapped and knotted together. Her fiance called my MIL at 4:30 and told her that Baby A had also died at 2:30 PM. She was given some things to soften her cervix and sent home. She has to return to the medical center tomorrow for the next step in the procedure and then again on Sunday. She will have a D&E on Monday morning and be home Monday afternoon. They will donate the babies' bodies to science.

They will still be getting married next Saturday. There will be no memorial service and they aren't naming the babies (they did have a name picked for one, but they will not officially be naming it).

Any of you with later losses out there. . . how do I comfort my SIL? We have a good relationship but I would not call us "close".

23 comments:

Jen said...

What terrible news. I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to all of you.

AwkwardMoments said...

prayers to your families

Roadblocks and Roller Coasters said...

I am so so sorry. I will be praying for them and for your entire family. ((many hugs))

Ms. J said...

oh my...I have nothing to offer...just prayers for strength for you as you take care of your extended family.

My advice would be to reach out to bloggers who have similarly had losses of babies in the second trimester (and twins) and perhaps ask them for guidance, if it's not too painful for them to comment and share.

I am sick just reading this. There is NO "reason" for babies ever dying, wherther their gestational age is 6 weeks or 36 weeks. It's all so horribly random and awful. So sorry.

HereWeGoAJen said...

Ah, Katie, I am so sorry.

For comfort, I would just say that you should do something concrete now (a meal, a card, etc.) and then something again in a few weeks when everyone else tapers off.

It Is What It Is said...

Katie, I am so sorry for you, your sister, and your family. What a tragic situation to survive.

It is always hard to know how a person wants to be comforted. I would simply say to be there for her/them, with loving and kind sentiments and gestures.

It saddens me for her that her girls will not be named. It will be something she may regret when the fog of her grief begins to lift. I have had too many friends (more than anyone should) who have suffered neo natal and still births and the name because the validation of the life.

I follow several loss blogs and can share them with you directly if you'd like (one of my friend who lost b/b twins at 26 weeks last year).

cgd said...

I am so so sorry. I had a d&e and 15 weeks. Nobody warned me that I would lactate after (i did) and bleed for on/off for 2 weeks. I would have loved for someone to tell me that. It was helpful for me to have people check on me and tell me they were thinking of me even if that was via text only. So sorry for her loss..

Searching said...

I am so sorry to hear that. :( It must be devastating for them and I am sure they are in a bit of a shock. Esp after hearing everything was so well at the u/s. :( Is there a way to see if they might like a photographer there? NowILayMeDownToSleep.com has many who specialize in bereavement photography of babies, for free. So it won't cost them anything and they can always say they don't want the files. But they can't ever undo it if later on they wish they had a memory of the babies.

I will keep them in my prayers. Cannot imagine how they must feel right now. I'm so sorry. :(

Searching said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Searching said...

http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

There is the actual link to it. Also, it says 25wks gestation, but I have seen the one who does our hospital go for 22-23wkers. If anyone asked me, I would actually go photograph ANY age. I am "used" to unusual circumstances though and it does not bother me. I think they would have to ask the photographer available what they feel comfortable with. If they cannot, you can always request the nurses take some photos. My friend with a 16wk demise has 6 little photos of her baby. They had no forewarning & we weren't in contact at the time, so that is all they have. Footprints, 6 photos, and his Threads of Love gown. They treasure those. Maybe you can send a blanket for each baby to be wrapped in while they have them. The nurses should have tiny gowns & things for them.

Laura said...

I was just thinking about your sister in law. I am so sorry for your family's losses. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Beth said...

Sending hugs, and thinking of and praying for your entire family. I'm so sorry.

Missy said...

I'm praying for comfort and peace for you and your family during this terrible time.

Annalien said...

I am so sorry! My prayers are with them and you.

Mel said...

I am so sad for your SIL. That is just awful. I cannot think of making it so far and losing both. It makes my eyes well up just to consider it.

I pray for peace for her and her significant other. I don't begin to comprehend how one manages to recover from such.
xoxo

manapan said...

Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry for all of you. And what a grim pallor for their anniversary in the years to come. (((hugs)))

Rebecca @ Unexplained X2 said...

I second what Herewegoajen said...do something now, but don't let it lapse...

This is so sad. I'm so sorry they have to deal with a loss like this...heartbreaking isn't even a strong enough word.

J said...

oh no...I am so sorry. I was hoping that she would have had a happy ending. My daughter passed at 23 weeks and the only thing that was comforting to me was when people would be around me, just hold me. None of the "it was gods plan" stuff as I was told by a few. That makes it hurt even more. I know it mught feel awkward to step in and say something, but I think naming them is a good idea. When I talk about my girl now and say her name, it helps me. Also, maybe a nice card and a meal or something. One of my friends also got me a nice bracelet. Again, I am so very sorry.

Allison said...

I am so, so sorry that this happened. I recently lost my own baby at 19 weeks and it has been a very difficult experience, as any loss is. Things that helped me....acknowledge that this is something that has happened not only to your SIL, but to her husband as well. This is a terrible loss for both of them and sometimes people forget that the father has lost children too. I greatly appreciated texts and emails, especially ones that did not ask me to respond. Also, definitely follow up in a few weeks as she will still be grieving but may not be getting the same amount of support that she was initially. Also, if you feel comfortable doing so (and think she would be receptive to it), encourage her to talk to a professional. It is very difficult to know how to deal with this kind of grief. I was able to get a recommendation for a therapist from my fertility clinic and I strongly suspect that the counseling that I have done has kept me out of a major depression.

Stacey said...

Oh no, Katie. I'm so very sorry to hear this. Praying especially for your SIL and the whole family during this awful time. My heart hurts.

Ashley said...

I am so very sorry for your SIL and your family!

It Is What It Is said...

I just wanted to stop by and check in on you. I hope you are finding comfort in the supportive comments and prayers.

Joy@WhenDoesDaddyComeHome said...

I just don't know what to say except how sorry I am! I just cannot imagine and feel sick for them (and you guys). I am just so so sorry!