Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A Blog That's Too Small . . . A Blog At All?

First off, thanks to Chili for hosting me on her blog and by honoring me with her post here.

Actually, I found it kind of freeing to be on someone else's blog. I have found mine feeling rather strange lately, almost as if it's a piece of clothing that doesn't quite fit - like so many of my prepregnancy clothes, it's seems snug in some places and loose in others.

You see, I started writing here for a reason. And that reason, for the time being, isn't a reason anymore. Not that I don't still have faint rumblings of infertility that echo in my mind, but it's a quiet thump in the back of my head, rather than the constant roar that it once was.

I started this blog for a dual purpose. The first was, at my therapist's suggestion, so that I would have a non-judgmental outlet, a place where I could pour my heart out and possibly even get affirmation from others. Boy, oh boy, did I get that and more! You, my dear readers, my commentators, my friends, got me through some of my darkest days and celebrated with me when I had my happiest days, too.

The second purpose, however, was truly so that I could find others and possibly help them. I remember reading so many stories of recurrent loss on the internet, but so few had happy endings. It seemed that after a certain number of losses, especially unexplained losses, most women either gave up and decided to remain child free, or adopted. While adoption was definitely an option for us, I really wanted the experience of carrying a baby to term, a chance for my body to "redeem" itself for all of the failures. Once I got pregnant and it seemed to be our RLB after all, I felt that possibly my success story could show others that there are happy endings out there after so many losses.

However, I wonder how many of those that stumble across the site see all the pictures of Will and think (as I once did about former-infertiles-now-with-babies), "Well, she couldn't possibly understand how I feel now."

And it's true. Because you do start to forget a bit, how awful it all really was. Or maybe forget is the wrong word. I never forget. But I shove those darkest of days back to the deepest recesses of my mind, because they truly were so awful.

Yesterday, I was on the phone with a good friend, a fellow former-infertile-now-with-baby (someone really needs to think up a better term for it than that), who also has a miracle IVF baby. We were laughing as we relived some of our experiences, but after I got off the phone with her, I started to cry. Those days aren't far enough behind me now to laugh . . . not yet, and possibly not ever. The feelings of infertility aren't as far below the surface as I try to push them. You barely scratch me, and I still bleed.

All of this to say that I am not sure what direction to take this little blog anymore. I can't see walking away from it altogether, but I am not sure what purpose, what shape it should have. So, if you don't hear from me as often, that is the reason.

That, and a certain Little Man. . . Who is the purpose of everything.

13 comments:

Jen said...

I hope you continue to still blog even if it takes on a new purpose. It is selfish on my part, but I just love hearing about Will, and it is amazing how we end up connecting with the people we "meet" online.

Fertilized said...

I will miss hearing from you if you don;t blog at all. For selfish reasons

WISHING...HOPING...and PRAYING said...

my baby was born aug 18 and i come to your site everyday to compare notes! please don't stop!!!

Kristen said...

I had the same dilemma with my blog. I felt if I continued writing on my IF blog, that I was doing a disservice to those looking for a shoulder to lean on. Sure, I might give some people hope but I could also rub them the wrong way. I wanted to give people the option of whether or not to follow along on my new journey.

So, that's when I formed my mommy blog. I can devote it all to Nate and when I have something IF on my mind, I can write that too. I left up the old blog so others can follow along and because, as you said, it's not like I'll ever forget the pain. But at the same time, I want to share my happiness and relief with the world. I needed a place to do that and I'm loving it. I don't regret my decision at all.

I hope that whatever you do, you will continue to keep us posted on that beautiful boy of yours. XOXO

Jen said...

Keep writing! Sometimes people go looking for the success stories too. I've done that.

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say PLEASE keep writing! Its so good to know that there IS healing after infertility. I am six months pregnant with my first baby after several miscarriages. I sometimes wonder if I can be happy again and reading your story lets me know that I can.

Anonymous said...

I haven't had my happy ending yet, but I like reading about yours and others.

Maybe you could do as kristen suggested and start another blog for people to follow Will's story. I am sure there is more that you can write about regarding infertility here?

Polka Dot said...

I can't say it's always easy to read happy baby stories, but I know the struggles so many have gone through that I can't pretend you're 'just another mommy'.

So .. whatever you do - whether you stay here or create a new blog - I'll be following. Like a mad bloggy stalker. Or something ; )

Anonymous said...

I have never commented on your blog before, but I have been reading since last September. I feel as if you are like a long-lost sister to me, our stories are so similar. My son was born just two weeks after Will and I come by to check on you guys at least once a week. I would really miss you if you didn't blog anymore.

Anonymous said...

Please don't stop writing here. I just found your blog thru a friend of a friend two weeks ago after my 3rd misscarriage. I am glad to see that you have a healthy baby and that there is hope for people like me. If people don't want to read, they don't have to. But there are a lot of us that do want to read.

Anonymous said...

Just adding my two cents' worth. I agree with the comment before mine. If someone doesn't want to read, they don't have to. If they aren't inspired by your story, then they don't deserve your concern anyway. After all you've been through, you shouldn't have to worry about with holding any joy. But if you do start a new blog, be sure to let those of us who want to follow you know how to do so.

Ann
Mother to 4 Angels

Mr Thompson and Me said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mr Thompson and Me said...

The previous comment had an accident (sorry). This is what I was going to say...

After years of infertility...and the recent loss of our miracle baby at 6 months...I only have one word for you:

Hope!

that's what you offer and for that I am grateful (along with the friend who recommended your site). Please keep blogging...