First off, I just wanted to thank you all for the support when I posted on the Big Decision last week. This has not been an easy thing to decide upon.
As of today, I have given my notice and am a proud (if scared) Stay At Home Mom (SAHM).
Wow.
I don't think that it's quite sunk in yet and probably won't until I have turned in the company car, computer, printer, sales supplies, etc. Well, and when the paychecks stop coming. That will probably make me realize the full scope of the decision that I've made.
But when it came down to it, when we listed all of the pros and cons, it just seemed in everyone's best interests that I not return to work. The straw that finally broke the camel's back is when they added the state of Alaska to my territory (I only had the northern part of Washington state before). That would have been about 50% travel, and I just couldn't do that to my son, my family, myself.
So, join me, won't you, as our lives change once again in a pretty dramatic fashion.
Wow.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
What's Cookin'
Making my own baby food was something that I scoffed at pre-baby. I mean, who has time for that, right? When so many companies make decent food, even organic selections, why take the time out of your day to do your own cooking? Especially for a wee one that won't even thank you for your efforts?
Well, like a lot of my "pre-baby thoughts," I was clueless. I just didn't realize how expensive those little containers of pre-made food were and how much money I could save by making my own. I also didn't realize that I would have this strange "urge" to make food for Will. I thought it would be difficult, but it's not, especially once you get going on it and make a few batches to store in the freezer.
See, when I got this from my MIL three years ago, I used it once, maybe twice, to mix up a too-watery blended drink. I used it another couple of times to make salsa. However, it is now used several times a day to make Will's meals. It is so easy, blendsthe foods up nicely, and even comes with several lids so that I can save leftovers. I do make batches to freeze ahead or take on the road. I will admit that I keep a stash of the store-bought foods for taking with us in the diaper bag or if I am too rushed to make a meal. However, it really is pretty easy to do and for some reason, I find it very comforting to "make" his meals.
So, in case you are like me and thinking about making your own foods for your baby, here is a sample menu of our days*. Also, if you do serve pre-made foods, please don't think I am judging that choice. That's all I used in the beginning, but my Little Man eats A. LOT. And we are now on a budget.
Breakfast:
One ripe banana, splash of prune or unsweetened pear juice.
Blend together until smooth and then add rice cereal until thickened to desired consistency.
Lunch:
Five steamed baby carrots**, splash of filtered water.
Blend together until smooth and then add rice cereal until thickened to desired consistency.
-or-
1/8 c. cooked green beans or peas, splash of filtered water.
Blend together until smooth and then add rice cereal until thickened to desired consistency.
Dinner
1/4 c. rice cereal mixed with prune or pear juice (the opposite of whatever he had for breakfast)
then the opposite veggie of what he had for lunch (not mixed with rice cereal)
Also, these are his current favorites. He usually has them while I make his dinner or as a snack - the first time he tried it, he did cough a bit as he got used to swallowing the new consistency, but after a couple of tries, he was a pro. He also likes a piece of steamed (and cooled) apple or pear in one of these as a snack or to keep himself busy while we eat. We are also working on these, but they tend to frustrate him.
Will continues to be a wonderful eater and enjoys all of his meals. Sometimes, I wonder if we are feeding him too much, but he doesn't seem overweight and does seem very content. His six month Well Baby check is next week, so we'll see where he is on his weight.
*Please keep in mind that I am not a doctor nor a dietician. These are ingredients and portions that we discussed with our doctor, for our baby. Use this as a guide only and e-mail me if you have any questions.
**Also, please note that due to soil conditions which may vary in your area of the country, it is recommended that you not make your own carrots unless you use organic carrots that are also grown in low nitrate soil.
Well, like a lot of my "pre-baby thoughts," I was clueless. I just didn't realize how expensive those little containers of pre-made food were and how much money I could save by making my own. I also didn't realize that I would have this strange "urge" to make food for Will. I thought it would be difficult, but it's not, especially once you get going on it and make a few batches to store in the freezer.
See, when I got this from my MIL three years ago, I used it once, maybe twice, to mix up a too-watery blended drink. I used it another couple of times to make salsa. However, it is now used several times a day to make Will's meals. It is so easy, blendsthe foods up nicely, and even comes with several lids so that I can save leftovers. I do make batches to freeze ahead or take on the road. I will admit that I keep a stash of the store-bought foods for taking with us in the diaper bag or if I am too rushed to make a meal. However, it really is pretty easy to do and for some reason, I find it very comforting to "make" his meals.
So, in case you are like me and thinking about making your own foods for your baby, here is a sample menu of our days*. Also, if you do serve pre-made foods, please don't think I am judging that choice. That's all I used in the beginning, but my Little Man eats A. LOT. And we are now on a budget.
Breakfast:
One ripe banana, splash of prune or unsweetened pear juice.
Blend together until smooth and then add rice cereal until thickened to desired consistency.
Lunch:
Five steamed baby carrots**, splash of filtered water.
Blend together until smooth and then add rice cereal until thickened to desired consistency.
-or-
1/8 c. cooked green beans or peas, splash of filtered water.
Blend together until smooth and then add rice cereal until thickened to desired consistency.
Dinner
1/4 c. rice cereal mixed with prune or pear juice (the opposite of whatever he had for breakfast)
then the opposite veggie of what he had for lunch (not mixed with rice cereal)
Also, these are his current favorites. He usually has them while I make his dinner or as a snack - the first time he tried it, he did cough a bit as he got used to swallowing the new consistency, but after a couple of tries, he was a pro. He also likes a piece of steamed (and cooled) apple or pear in one of these as a snack or to keep himself busy while we eat. We are also working on these, but they tend to frustrate him.
Will continues to be a wonderful eater and enjoys all of his meals. Sometimes, I wonder if we are feeding him too much, but he doesn't seem overweight and does seem very content. His six month Well Baby check is next week, so we'll see where he is on his weight.
*Please keep in mind that I am not a doctor nor a dietician. These are ingredients and portions that we discussed with our doctor, for our baby. Use this as a guide only and e-mail me if you have any questions.
**Also, please note that due to soil conditions which may vary in your area of the country, it is recommended that you not make your own carrots unless you use organic carrots that are also grown in low nitrate soil.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Memorial Monday
This week's Memorial Monday is in honor of Lauren's baby boy, Tate Oliver Patterson. Tate is Lauren's second son, due on November 11, 2008 and born still on Thursday, October 30, 2008. The probable cause of his death was cord compression, although the autopsy wasn't 100% conclusive.
Lauren writes:
Tate was born on a Thursday, so we consider Thursday Tate Day in our house. We make it a mission to do something nice for someone else every Thursday to honor our little angel. I have made up little cards that say "An Angel Helped You Today: Remembering Tate Oliver, Today and Always." I might pay for someone's meal in a restaurant, send flowers to someone that I know is feeling down, buy a balloon for a child crying in the park. I have met some remarkable people, gotten to share Tate's story, and heard some wonderful stories in return. This has helped me grieve and heal and I thought that other people might like the idea for remembering their own babies.
To be featured in upcoming Memorial Mondays, please contact me by clicking on my profile link and then by clicking on my e-mail link. You can either write your story yourself or provide me with the details and I will do it for you. You may include pictures, poetry, whatever feels right. This is your memorial for your loss.
Lauren writes:
Tate was born on a Thursday, so we consider Thursday Tate Day in our house. We make it a mission to do something nice for someone else every Thursday to honor our little angel. I have made up little cards that say "An Angel Helped You Today: Remembering Tate Oliver, Today and Always." I might pay for someone's meal in a restaurant, send flowers to someone that I know is feeling down, buy a balloon for a child crying in the park. I have met some remarkable people, gotten to share Tate's story, and heard some wonderful stories in return. This has helped me grieve and heal and I thought that other people might like the idea for remembering their own babies.
To be featured in upcoming Memorial Mondays, please contact me by clicking on my profile link and then by clicking on my e-mail link. You can either write your story yourself or provide me with the details and I will do it for you. You may include pictures, poetry, whatever feels right. This is your memorial for your loss.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Decision Postponed
Okay, okay.
Yes, I know that I haven't posted the update that I promised. I'm so sorry. We made a decision only to unmake it again, then remake it, then unmake it. I'm so tired.
Here is the quick and dirty version of the ongoing saga titled: Should I go back to work or not?
The thing is, we can make it on just one salary, but it's going to be tight. We have savings, but we are definitely the type of people that like a "back up plan." We can't find daycare that we feel comfortable with and the ones that we have liked have waiting lists months long. On the other hand, I do have a great job, with a stable company, and it seems foolhardy to be giving up my salary in the face of these uncertain economic times.
I find myself wrestling with the decision far more than I ever thought possible. Just when we have made our minds up one way or the other, something else comes up and changes the scenario. I won't bore you with all of them, but suffice to say, it's been an interesting rollercoaster.
The final example of this was yesterday, when I tried to call and give my notice. I had expected it to be a brief conversation with my boss saying, "Okay, send me your letter of resignation. Thanks for playing."
Instead, he talked me into extending my leave another couple of months so that we can find suitable childcare and feel better about me coming back to work. Ultimately, I am not sure that this changes our mind, but it does buy us a little more time to think about it.
Honestly, I am not sure that I want more time. We have been torturing ourselves over this decision and I hate dragging it out even more. But part of me just doesn't want to close the door on working. . .
So, there it is. There are many layers, many things to think about. What would you do?
Yes, I know that I haven't posted the update that I promised. I'm so sorry. We made a decision only to unmake it again, then remake it, then unmake it. I'm so tired.
Here is the quick and dirty version of the ongoing saga titled: Should I go back to work or not?
The thing is, we can make it on just one salary, but it's going to be tight. We have savings, but we are definitely the type of people that like a "back up plan." We can't find daycare that we feel comfortable with and the ones that we have liked have waiting lists months long. On the other hand, I do have a great job, with a stable company, and it seems foolhardy to be giving up my salary in the face of these uncertain economic times.
I find myself wrestling with the decision far more than I ever thought possible. Just when we have made our minds up one way or the other, something else comes up and changes the scenario. I won't bore you with all of them, but suffice to say, it's been an interesting rollercoaster.
The final example of this was yesterday, when I tried to call and give my notice. I had expected it to be a brief conversation with my boss saying, "Okay, send me your letter of resignation. Thanks for playing."
Instead, he talked me into extending my leave another couple of months so that we can find suitable childcare and feel better about me coming back to work. Ultimately, I am not sure that this changes our mind, but it does buy us a little more time to think about it.
Honestly, I am not sure that I want more time. We have been torturing ourselves over this decision and I hate dragging it out even more. But part of me just doesn't want to close the door on working. . .
So, there it is. There are many layers, many things to think about. What would you do?
Friday, February 6, 2009
Indecisive
You know you are having a hard time making a decision when you go to a place like this for some answers.
Yeah, we are still making a decision. Getting closer. . . but still in the final steps. It's tough, because neither choice feels 100% right.
But when in doubt, go for the less risky, so that's what we are doing.
I should be able to post more on this topic on Tuesday.
Yeah, we are still making a decision. Getting closer. . . but still in the final steps. It's tough, because neither choice feels 100% right.
But when in doubt, go for the less risky, so that's what we are doing.
I should be able to post more on this topic on Tuesday.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Everything Will
It has been far too long since I have posted a Will update (pictures coming later). There is so much going on with the Little Man that this entry could easily get out of hand. I will try to keep it to the most interesting, realizing that to most people, the daily minutae of a five month old is just not as fascinating as it is to me.
I can boil it down to these key areas (in no particular order): Eating, Pooping, Sleeping, and Learning!
Eating
He is a monster eater! We are down to just four breastfeeds a day, which actually makes me a little sad. He has a feed when he first wakes up, one for lunch, a "snack" in the late afternoon, and then his evening feed. But since the introduction of solids, the only really big feeds he has are the morning and evening ones. I sometimes can barely get him to eat anything at the lunch or afternoon one (especially that one, we might be dropping that soon). But it makes sense that he would be eating less breastmilk, because he is eating more than his share of his solids.
For breakfast, he has rice cereal blended with prune juice and a half of banana. For lunch, it's rice cereal, a full dish of carrots (that's five baby carrots) AND a full dish of peas (about an 1/8 of a cup). For dinner (the meal he seems the least interested in actually eating), it's a dish of rice cereal and one of sweet potatoes. We follow every meal with an ounce of pear juice mixed with one ounce of water. This of course, leads nicely into. . .
Ah, dear readers. . . . for those of you who have been reading from the newborn days (bless you!), you know that this has been the recurrent issue of our early parenting days. I can tell you that Will now sleeps soundly through most nights (knock on wood, turn in circles, spit over left shoulder, toss a shaker of salt over the right). He is usually in bed between 7 and 8 PM, depending on when he woke up from his last nap. We then do not hear a peep from him until between 5 and 7 AM, depending on the day. Usually, if it's before 6, I let him self-soothe back to sleep, which works about half of the time. If he does get up for a feed at before 6 AM, he usually will go back to bed after he's done eating. This all being said, I am waiting for the next round of teething or a cold to throw us off track, but I now feel that we can get back on track a bit faster when the current challenge passes. Fingers crossed, anyway. . .
He is learning so much these days! You can just see the wheels turning in his little brain. He has learned out to do razzzes with his tongue and lips (and thankfully, hasn't yet tried that one with a mouth full of food) and finds this to be quite entertaining. He call roll from front to back and back to front. If you put him on a blanket and put a toy just out of reach, he will skooch, squirm, and twist his way to it. He has a fun driving toy that his Daddy bought him and he loves to play with that. He has sat unassisted for brief periods of time and for longer periods using the Bop.py or with the afforementioned driving toy between his legs. His laughter is infectious and is starting to be more spontaneous (vs. needing to be coaxed out with a tickle or kiss). He still gives Wisses, which are just the most precious thing ever.
Verbally, he has all sorts of vowel sounds Ba, Da, La, even a Ma here and there. I love it when he strings a bunch of sounds together and it sounds as if he is actually saying something. He LOVES to be read to and that calms him down from most upsets. He laughs at the right parts and follows along with the pages.
So, that about sums it up for Will right now. I mean, not really, as there is so much more to tell you. I can't believe how much he is changing, how fast he is growing, and how much I love him. I sometimes get stuck looking back at the woulda coulda shouldas of life, and I don't want to do that. I want to bask in every moment of light that Will has brought into our lives. I don't want to let infertility rob me of any more time with my babies.
This point was driven home especially last Friday. When I read about sweet Tuesday, I was humbled. To think that I complained about infertility when this family was losing their sweet baby girl. It was after my own sweet boy had gone to bed, but I took a chance and tip-toed into his room. I watched him sleep for twenty minutes, grateful tears and tears of grief mingling on my cheeks as I observed the rise and fall of his tiny chest. I thanked God for this miracle that we have been given and vowed to keep looking forward. I sent my prayers to those that are still waiting and suffering. Mostly, I thanked Him for everything. . . everything Will.
I can boil it down to these key areas (in no particular order): Eating, Pooping, Sleeping, and Learning!
Eating
He is a monster eater! We are down to just four breastfeeds a day, which actually makes me a little sad. He has a feed when he first wakes up, one for lunch, a "snack" in the late afternoon, and then his evening feed. But since the introduction of solids, the only really big feeds he has are the morning and evening ones. I sometimes can barely get him to eat anything at the lunch or afternoon one (especially that one, we might be dropping that soon). But it makes sense that he would be eating less breastmilk, because he is eating more than his share of his solids.
For breakfast, he has rice cereal blended with prune juice and a half of banana. For lunch, it's rice cereal, a full dish of carrots (that's five baby carrots) AND a full dish of peas (about an 1/8 of a cup). For dinner (the meal he seems the least interested in actually eating), it's a dish of rice cereal and one of sweet potatoes. We follow every meal with an ounce of pear juice mixed with one ounce of water. This of course, leads nicely into. . .
Pooping!
Yes, I have a section on pooping. If you have every had a constipated baby, then you know precisely why this is an important section. Also, if you read last week's post on floaties, you will understand why I post again on this topic. Thanks to your suggestions, this is currently not a problem. He has gotten quite regular and we are all thankful for that! Sleeping
Ah, dear readers. . . . for those of you who have been reading from the newborn days (bless you!), you know that this has been the recurrent issue of our early parenting days. I can tell you that Will now sleeps soundly through most nights (knock on wood, turn in circles, spit over left shoulder, toss a shaker of salt over the right). He is usually in bed between 7 and 8 PM, depending on when he woke up from his last nap. We then do not hear a peep from him until between 5 and 7 AM, depending on the day. Usually, if it's before 6, I let him self-soothe back to sleep, which works about half of the time. If he does get up for a feed at before 6 AM, he usually will go back to bed after he's done eating. This all being said, I am waiting for the next round of teething or a cold to throw us off track, but I now feel that we can get back on track a bit faster when the current challenge passes. Fingers crossed, anyway. . .
Learning
He is learning so much these days! You can just see the wheels turning in his little brain. He has learned out to do razzzes with his tongue and lips (and thankfully, hasn't yet tried that one with a mouth full of food) and finds this to be quite entertaining. He call roll from front to back and back to front. If you put him on a blanket and put a toy just out of reach, he will skooch, squirm, and twist his way to it. He has a fun driving toy that his Daddy bought him and he loves to play with that. He has sat unassisted for brief periods of time and for longer periods using the Bop.py or with the afforementioned driving toy between his legs. His laughter is infectious and is starting to be more spontaneous (vs. needing to be coaxed out with a tickle or kiss). He still gives Wisses, which are just the most precious thing ever.
Verbally, he has all sorts of vowel sounds Ba, Da, La, even a Ma here and there. I love it when he strings a bunch of sounds together and it sounds as if he is actually saying something. He LOVES to be read to and that calms him down from most upsets. He laughs at the right parts and follows along with the pages.
So, that about sums it up for Will right now. I mean, not really, as there is so much more to tell you. I can't believe how much he is changing, how fast he is growing, and how much I love him. I sometimes get stuck looking back at the woulda coulda shouldas of life, and I don't want to do that. I want to bask in every moment of light that Will has brought into our lives. I don't want to let infertility rob me of any more time with my babies.
This point was driven home especially last Friday. When I read about sweet Tuesday, I was humbled. To think that I complained about infertility when this family was losing their sweet baby girl. It was after my own sweet boy had gone to bed, but I took a chance and tip-toed into his room. I watched him sleep for twenty minutes, grateful tears and tears of grief mingling on my cheeks as I observed the rise and fall of his tiny chest. I thanked God for this miracle that we have been given and vowed to keep looking forward. I sent my prayers to those that are still waiting and suffering. Mostly, I thanked Him for everything. . . everything Will.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Memorial Monday
This week's Memorial Monday post is in honor of Laura.This is her story in her own words.
I'm Laura and I am 31 years old. My husband Alex and I were high school sweethearts that ended up breaking up to go to college and then getting back together four years later. We ended up getting married and I thought we would be that storybook couple with the fairytale life. At first we were very happy and we couldn't wait to be parents.
When we first started trying we got pregnant after only six months. We were both thrilled. At my 20 week appointment there was no heartbeat. I delivered our son two days later. We got pregnant again a year later. At my 18 week appointment there was no heartbeat. I delivered another son that same day.
Testing on both babies showed no abnormalities but we went to a very smart doctor who decided to do some more testing on me after the second baby died. It turned out that I had a bicornuate uterus with a full septum and the babies had probably died from IGR [intrauterine growth restriction]. Although many women can carry pregnancies to term with such a problem, my uterus was completely divided almost evenly (most women have a larger side, or the wall doesn't form completely and the baby can grow enough to make it to viability).
Because of how severe my case was I did require surgery if we wanted to try any more pregnancies. Because it was a major surgery and usually causes scarring our doctor didn't seem very enthusiastic about it. We got a second opinion to be sure and the second doctor we saw seemed more confident that it would be a good fix. I was scared of surgery but I did want children very badly and Alex did not want to adopt.
The day of my surgery I was very nervous and right before I went into the OR I told my husband that I had a bad feeling and did not want the surgery. He told me that it was up to me but I could tell how disappointed he would be.
When I woke up in recovery I remember feeling the most horrible pain of my life even worse than when had my sons. I was thrashing around on the bed and two nurses were trying to hold me down calling for a doctor at the same time. I remember looking down and seeing the sheets and blankets bright red from blood. It was like something in a horror movie and I passed out from the shock and pain.
When I woke up in recovery again I was not in pain. My doctor was standing on one side and my husband and a nurse was on the other side. They all had very serious looks on their faces. It turned out that I had hemorrhaged after the surgery was over and the blood loss meant they had to go back in to try and repair the damage. Too bad for me they couldn't stop the bleeding and I had to have a hystorectomy to save my life.
My physical and emotional recovery were very tough. I had lost a lot of blood and was anemic for many months. I also had to deal with the reality that I would never carry children of my own. I felt like a piece of me had been torn away. I had signed all of the consent forms yes but you really don't ever think those things are going to happen to you.
At first my husband assured me that he would be okay with adopting a baby but we started looking into the process and all of the stories of birth moms taking their babies back scared him. He only wanted an infant, he did not want to adopt a child of another race or with any sort of special needs and he did not want to have an open adoption. That meant that domestic adoption would be very difficult if not impossible. Wanting a caucasian baby made international adoption more difficult too. We did sign up with an international adoption agency which made me feel better but I soon realized that his heart wasn't truly in adoption.
Apparently his heart wasn't in our marriage any more either. Two weeks before Christmas this last year my husband called me from a business trip to tell me that he wasn't coming home. He sent some of his friends and his brother over to pack his things up. While it wasn't a complete shock I still never thought my marriage would truly be over. He filed for divorce immediately and now we are just waiting for the final hearing in April. I have tried contacting him several times and even though he is always very polite and is being nice about letting me have the house and alimony he does not want to see him because he says that it is too painful.
I feel as if I have lost everything: two babies, my ability to have more, and my husband, all in a few short years. Somedays I am so sad that I don't know how I will move on. I have been told by our friends that Alex is already seeing another woman and I can't imagine ever falling in love again or really being happy.
To be featured in upcoming Memorial Mondays, please contact me by clicking on my profile link and then by clicking on my e-mail link. You can either write your story yourself or provide me with the details and I will do it for you. You may include pictures, poetry, whatever feels right. This is your memorial for your loss.
I'm Laura and I am 31 years old. My husband Alex and I were high school sweethearts that ended up breaking up to go to college and then getting back together four years later. We ended up getting married and I thought we would be that storybook couple with the fairytale life. At first we were very happy and we couldn't wait to be parents.
When we first started trying we got pregnant after only six months. We were both thrilled. At my 20 week appointment there was no heartbeat. I delivered our son two days later. We got pregnant again a year later. At my 18 week appointment there was no heartbeat. I delivered another son that same day.
Testing on both babies showed no abnormalities but we went to a very smart doctor who decided to do some more testing on me after the second baby died. It turned out that I had a bicornuate uterus with a full septum and the babies had probably died from IGR [intrauterine growth restriction]. Although many women can carry pregnancies to term with such a problem, my uterus was completely divided almost evenly (most women have a larger side, or the wall doesn't form completely and the baby can grow enough to make it to viability).
Because of how severe my case was I did require surgery if we wanted to try any more pregnancies. Because it was a major surgery and usually causes scarring our doctor didn't seem very enthusiastic about it. We got a second opinion to be sure and the second doctor we saw seemed more confident that it would be a good fix. I was scared of surgery but I did want children very badly and Alex did not want to adopt.
The day of my surgery I was very nervous and right before I went into the OR I told my husband that I had a bad feeling and did not want the surgery. He told me that it was up to me but I could tell how disappointed he would be.
When I woke up in recovery I remember feeling the most horrible pain of my life even worse than when had my sons. I was thrashing around on the bed and two nurses were trying to hold me down calling for a doctor at the same time. I remember looking down and seeing the sheets and blankets bright red from blood. It was like something in a horror movie and I passed out from the shock and pain.
When I woke up in recovery again I was not in pain. My doctor was standing on one side and my husband and a nurse was on the other side. They all had very serious looks on their faces. It turned out that I had hemorrhaged after the surgery was over and the blood loss meant they had to go back in to try and repair the damage. Too bad for me they couldn't stop the bleeding and I had to have a hystorectomy to save my life.
My physical and emotional recovery were very tough. I had lost a lot of blood and was anemic for many months. I also had to deal with the reality that I would never carry children of my own. I felt like a piece of me had been torn away. I had signed all of the consent forms yes but you really don't ever think those things are going to happen to you.
At first my husband assured me that he would be okay with adopting a baby but we started looking into the process and all of the stories of birth moms taking their babies back scared him. He only wanted an infant, he did not want to adopt a child of another race or with any sort of special needs and he did not want to have an open adoption. That meant that domestic adoption would be very difficult if not impossible. Wanting a caucasian baby made international adoption more difficult too. We did sign up with an international adoption agency which made me feel better but I soon realized that his heart wasn't truly in adoption.
Apparently his heart wasn't in our marriage any more either. Two weeks before Christmas this last year my husband called me from a business trip to tell me that he wasn't coming home. He sent some of his friends and his brother over to pack his things up. While it wasn't a complete shock I still never thought my marriage would truly be over. He filed for divorce immediately and now we are just waiting for the final hearing in April. I have tried contacting him several times and even though he is always very polite and is being nice about letting me have the house and alimony he does not want to see him because he says that it is too painful.
I feel as if I have lost everything: two babies, my ability to have more, and my husband, all in a few short years. Somedays I am so sad that I don't know how I will move on. I have been told by our friends that Alex is already seeing another woman and I can't imagine ever falling in love again or really being happy.
To be featured in upcoming Memorial Mondays, please contact me by clicking on my profile link and then by clicking on my e-mail link. You can either write your story yourself or provide me with the details and I will do it for you. You may include pictures, poetry, whatever feels right. This is your memorial for your loss.
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