Tuesday, April 17, 2018


Bloggers disappear.  This is a fact of the blogging world.  In my case, I had my beautiful babies and the reason for my writing in the first place no longer existed.

But I always hated finding a blog that I enjoyed and then just have the blog END.  I mean, lives go on after blogging, right?

In my case, life has most certainly gone along.  My children are practically teenagers!  Okay, perhaps not.  But Will is nine you guys, almost ten!  I can't believe how fast he has grown up into this little person, but he has. He is in third grade and doing all sorts of things, like writing book reports, doing division, and getting up in assemblies and giving speeches.  He enjoys playing Minecraft (it's an obsession, really) and is a purple belt in Tae Kwon Do.  We still enjoy snuggling on the couch for a movie or tv show, but when we put our hands up together to measure, his thumb is bigger than mine.  He delights in this and I want to cry.

Emma Drace.  Seven years old and so sweet, smart, and silly that she just makes me smile.  She is obsessed with a youtube personality (JoJo Siwa) and wears her hair in the same side ponytail, complete with large, borderline obnoxious hairbows, which she is collecting.  She has a best friend (known as a BFF) that she loves to pieces.  She recently tested into the Hi-Cap (highly capable) program at her school.  She always brings home little notes that applaud her behavior and her teacher loves her.  She has been easy from day one, and I now am not afraid to say it.  I'm really lucky God blessed me with this amazingly precious little girl.

Andrew.  My gosh you guys, he has so much personality that I don't even know where to begin.  True to third child form, he is my little comedian.  He makes me laugh on an almost hourly basis.  He loves anything army-related and loves playing with little green army men and tanks and trucks.  He is in pre-school and will (gasp) start kindergarten in the fall.  I am still his #1 girl, although he has a "girlfriend" at school and they tell each other they love each other every day as we leave the parking lot.  SO. CUTE.

My kids are healthy, happy, and growing up way too fast!  I miss their baby days so much it hurts sometimes.  My mom asked me why I hate them growing up when the alternative is no good.  God forbid that anything happen like that!  I just loved being a mommy to small kiddos.  I knew how to fix boo boos and clean up spilled juice and change a diaper.  I can read in silly voices, build a tent fort, and generally just know how to be a mom to little kids.  These big kids are a puzzle, a challenge that I feel ill prepared for.  I always wanted Real Life Babies, and now I have Real Life Kids.  I want to be the best mom for them possible and sometimes I realize how I am not quite up to the task.  It's a big job.

I am still working parttime from home.  I enjoy what I do and who I do it for.  I am truly blessed to be able to work at home as I still cannot drive.  That's right, nearly three years since I sat behind the wheel of a car.  Wait, that's a lie.  I sat behind the wheel a few weeks ago as we were just sitting in the parking lot.  I put my hands on the wheel and it is amazing that feeling of power that you can get just from driving a car.  I know it's an easy thing for you to take for granted, I know I always did.  Just be grateful if you can drive yourself to the grocery store or anywhere, really.  But I really miss just running to the grocery store for milk or juice or whatever.  I miss the independence that driving brings.  Since I am still having regular seizures, there is no driving anywhere in my near future.

How am I, really?  People ask me that, knowing we are going on three years of dealing with chronic illness and managing three young kiddos.  The truth is, I am very lucky.  We have been surrounded by family throughout this time.  I am rarely alone with the kids, which is hard, but also a blessing when I have seizures or days when I don't feel well.  The medications that I take are sedating and I am tired a lot of the time.  I also have insomnia, which doesn't help the constant fatigue.  So it is nice that my mother-in-law makes dinner most nights.  My kids have been surrounded by love and care have seen how family pulls together in times of need.  I see the compassion in them that shows they have been handled with that same compassion.  We do what we know, right?

I am also very depressed.  Mental illness is something that I think we are all getting better about speaking out about.  I wrote about my post-partum depression with the kids.  This is the same beast that I know so well.  It is an overwhelming monster that eats away my joy and eeks out my life.  There are days when I get out of bed, only to stumble back into it once the kids are at school.  I am seeing a psychiatrist and counselor regularly.  I have been to support groups and done a six month seminar on handling anxiety and depression.  I take two very strong medications to help address the depression itself.  I do everything that I can to fight this monster from taking over everything.  It's a daily battle.  But my kids are worth it.  I'm worth it.

From time to time, I check in here and I almost can't recognize the girl that once wrote all of these words.  I had so much energy, so much joy for life.  Even when things were crappy, I still felt blessed.  I still feel that way.  I have been so fortunate to have the help that I have had along the way.  But I just want to be ME again.  I just want to have energy, joy, and a zest for life.  I want to live my life, not just survive it.  I am trying very desperately to make that happen.