Thursday, November 29, 2007

There's Nothing to Fear But Fear Itself. . . And A Few Other Things

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Well, I think I might have remained relatively unscathed by the Lupron, but I don't think I am going to be so lucky with this next phase. I am already not dealing too well with what I am pretty sure are the effects of the onslaught of hormones.

I gave myself the injections of Menopure and Follistim last night. I consider myself "a pro" with the sub cu needles by now, having made myself bleed only a small drop just once. So, imagine my surprise when after the Follistim, I had a bit of a bleed. It wasn't a lot of blood, but you know how your perception of a lot of blood changes when it is coming out of your own stomach. I figured that it was a blip, but then the same thing happened when I injected the Menopure, which also burned a lot when it was going in. It didn't really hurt, but it was definitely not as easy as the Lupron has been. I also have two nice sized bruises to show for it this morning.

I woke up today and the only way to describe me is. . . weepy. I have been crying on and off all morning. I am not sure if it is all in my head or really the drugs kicking in, but everything is making me feel sad.

My husband and I also haven't been getting along very well lately. Whereas I really didn't feel that different on the Lupron, he said that I have been short and impatient with him for the past few weeks. I feel as if he really isn't involving himself in this process the way that I wish he would. I have reviewed our dates and protocols countless times with him, and yet he still doesn't have them straight. He called me from work yesterday to ask (for the FIFTH time) what days he needs to ask off for egg retrieval and transfer. I told him that both are in flux right now, but that he needs to ask for the 11th off for sure and then we will see about transfer. He doesn't like to watch me inject the medications, doesn't got to the appointments, doesn't really do much to involve himself. I know that there isn't much he can do right now, but I don't even feel as if he is emotionally available right now.

This morning, I tried to talk to him about the distance I feel between us right now and we ended up fighting. He thinks that I am making a mountain of a molehill, that I am not receptive to any nice things that he does do for me. He accused me of being self-centered and oversensitive. And I ended up crying.

Sometimes, I don't even know if it's the drugs, or just the emotions around all of this. I told my husband today, I am mostly just scared. Scared I will mess up the protocol, scared we will not get to egg retrieval, scared of egg retrieval itself, scared that none of our eggs with fertilize, scared of OHSS, scared that our embryos will die before they can be transferred, scared of the decisions with freezing our embryos, scared of where to put our embryos if we should both die, scared that we will get pregnant, scared that we won't, scared that the betas won't double, scared that we won't see a heartbeat, scared we will have twins, scared that we will miscarry, scared that I will have to give birth.

I am scared. And possibly going crazy. Time for my Lupron.


I love the word "perfect." It's just not a word that I get to hear often enough.

In the dark and gloomy world that is infertility, "perfect" is rare. "Perfect" is something others get to experience. In a recent appointment, I was told my right ovary was "perfect," but then my left ovary proved to be cooking up a nice, big egg in spite of the birth control pills.

At today's suppression check, everything was "perfect."

The only possible concern is that my baseline follicle count went up quite a bit and so we have to back off the Follistim amount, but that isn't anything to worry about.

I just got the Estradiol numbers - 24.6! They want you under 50, so that is "perfect," too.

I start the Follistim and Menopure tonight and back the Lupron down to a half dose. I go back in on Tuesday for my first blood draw and stim check. The tentative egg retrieval is 12/11 - barely a week and a half away!

I love "perfect."

Things of Four

Browned Eyed Girl over at A Few Good Eggs tagged me a few days ago. Never one to break the chain, I present to you My Things of Four.

Four jobs I have held in my life
I worked at an insurance company and did cold calling for auto, home, & life insurance - AND I ACTUALLY LIKED IT
I was a barista manager (and made pretty good tips, too!)
I worked for Campbell Soup as a sales manager - heard a few Mmmm-Mmmm Good jokes
I was a new student orientation advisor at my college and introduced incoming freshmen to the campus - probably one of my favorite jobs of all time

Four movies I have watched more than once
Gosh, I love to watch movies more than once. Here are just four of them:
"While You Were Sleeping" - and I have a BIG crush on Bill Pullman
"American President" - just think it's too cute
"American History X" - I also have a strange crush on Edward Norton
"Lady and the Tramp" - again, the cute factor

Four places I have vacationed
Mexico (four times)
Vancouver Island (Canada)
New York

Four of my favorite foods
Mexican (I love cheese enchiladas or chicken fajitas best)
Pretty much anything dessert
My mom's homemade chicken stew with dumplings

Four places I would rather be
With my husband and furbabies
Taking a nice, hot bath
Taking a nap
Aventura Spa Palace in Puerto Aventuras, Mexico

Four hobbies I engage in regularly
Watching tv
Walking/playing with the furkids
Cooking (and eating the results!)

Okay, now I tag FOUR people:

Polka Dot
Fertilize Me

Go forth and multiply!

PS: Suppression check tomorrow at 11 AM.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Who? Me? Let me Google That!

Last night, my hubby and I had a bit of an argument. Well, it wasn't really even an argument and definitely not a fight. It was more of a disagreement. Actually, it was him calling me a hypochondriac and me taking offense.

You see, I take the statistical bullet in other random areas of health, too. Remember how I said a couple of posts ago that I was thankful for my health? Well, that's because I have had some really random things happen to me healthwise. I think we have all had our weird health things, but I do seem to get some of the more random. Obviously, this whole infertility thing has been a bit odd. But there have been other times, too.

When my husband and I first met, I was diagnosed with a rare bladder condition in which the walls of my bladder basically had ulcers. It was a very painful condition, which required several medical procedures, a strict diet, and daily medication. Unfortunately, I also ended up experiencing kidney reflux as a result of this condition, which meant that I had several kidney infections over the course of our early relationship. Luckily, I was able to get the condition in check and with some slight diet modification consider myself "cured" of that.

Three years ago, I had some chest pains and shortness of breath. I let it go for a few weeks, but it seemed to be getting worse. Of course, Dr. Google returned all sorts of prognostications, including heart attacks, anxiety, and pneumonia. I didn't have a cough or fever, so I ruled out pneumonia, and actually figured it probably was anxiety. An chest x-ray revealed that it was pneumonia - or Walking Pneumonia, actually - but it was actually pretty serious. Despite several courses of antibiotics, the pneumonia wouldn't budge and the x-rays got cloudier. My symptoms kept getting worse and because my immune system was already compromised, I was a target for any and all illnesses. I was a pretty sick puppy. It took about six months, but when summer came, I ended up getting "better" until the fall, when it came back, and this time with a vengeance. I ended up in the hospital because my oxygen saturation was so low and had to have a lung biopsy and sinus puncture, where they discovered that I actually had a fungal infection, which is why the antibiotics didn't work and why it seemed to clear up during the summer. Once I was put on a course of anti-fungal medications, I was fine.

I tend to rely heavily on Dr. Google in times of medical need. Whenever I have a health-related question, the good Dr. seems to provide a bevy of beautiful answers. I do tend to self-diagnose based on what answers come back. It's not like I think "hmmm, I have Disease XYZ," and then google that disease and then miraculously have the symptoms. No, I have the symptoms, which puzzle me, and then I Google them and the diagnosis comes to me.

So, is this hypochondria? Of course, I Googled hypochondria and this is the first definition that popped up (courtesy of Wikipedia):

Hypochondria (or hypochondriasis, sometimes referred to as health anxiety/health phobia) refers to an excessive preoccupation or worry about having a serious illness. Often, hypochondria persists even after a physician has evaluated a person and reassured him/her that his/her concerns about symptoms do not have an underlying medical basis or, if there is a medical illness, the concerns are far in excess of what is appropriate for the level of disease. Many people suffering from this disorder focus on a particular symptom as the catalyst of their worrying, such as gastro-intestinal problems, palpitations, or muscle fatigue. The DSM-IV-TR defines this disorder, “Hypochondriasis,” as a somatoform disorder and it is thought to plague about 1-5% of the general population.[1] Hypochondria is often characterized by fears that minor bodily symptoms may indicate a serious illness, constant self-examination and self-diagnosis, and a preoccupation with one's body. Many individuals with hypochondriasis express doubt and disbelief in the doctors' diagnosis, and report that doctors’ reassurance about an absence of a serious medical condition is unconvincing, or un-lasting. Many hypochondriacs require constant reassurance, either from doctors, family, or friends, and the disorder can become a disabling torment for the individual with hypochondriasis, as well as his or her family and friends. Some hypochondriacal individuals are completely avoidant of any reminder of illness, whereas others are frequent visitors of doctors’ offices. Other hypochondriacs will never speak about their terror, convinced that their fear of having a serious illness will not be taken seriously by those in whom they confide.

Hmmm. Some of this does refer to me, but I think that most of it does not. For example, if a doctor told me that I do not suffer from an illness, I would believe them and move on. I would not say that I am disabled by my avid interest in Dr. Google and am definitely not disabled by it. I am a frequent visitor to my infertility doctor, but I haven't seen any other doctor since March for my annual physical. Before that, I hadn't seen my primary care doctor since the previous March for my annual physical. I definitely don't avoid doctors, nor do I go excessively.

But do I protesteth too much?

Here is a new term to me, also courtesy of Wikipedia:

Cyberchondria is a colloquial term for hypochondria in individuals who have researched medical conditions on the internet. The media and the internet often contribute to hypochondria, as articles, TV shows and advertisements regarding serious illnesses such as cancer and multiple sclerosis (some of the common diseases hypochondriacs think they have) often portray these diseases as being random, obscure and somewhat inevitable. Inaccurate portrayal of risk and the identification of non-specific symptoms as signs of serious illness contribute to exacerbating the hypochondriac’s fear that they actually have that illness.

Uh-oh. I definitely do research things on the internet. Huh. Could my husband have been half-right?

I still don't think so. I still believe that a hypochondriac is someone that does not have anything wrong with them and believes they are sick regardless. Sometimes, I actually do have things wrong with me and I happen to like to educate myself on what could possibly be wrong. When I am feeling healthy, I don't stalk the internet, looking for diseases that could befall me.

Is denial the first sign?

Hmmm. If I knew how to do a poll, I would make one.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Snow and Glass of Whine

It's snowing!

I love snow and living in Seattle means that I just don't get enough of it! We have about an inch gracing our front lawn right now. I know that really isn't SNOW for most of you, but we take what precious little we can get in this Pacific Northwest climate of ours. I am just glad that the "storm" is supposed to be over long before Friday, as traffic really piles up in the presence of even so much as a flake. People just don't know how to drive in snow around here, and it could make getting to my suppression check a little dicey.

Everything is still going well with the shots. I have only one small complaint. I really would love a glass of wine.

I am not a drinker. I had my first drink on my 21st birthday and never really got into drinking. I don't care much for hard liquor and am most definitively a light weight. One glass of a good wine is something that I can savor all night. But there is something about a glass of wine that I just miss. I have tried the alcohol free versions - they taste like pee water. I have tried sparkling ciders - much better, but still not the same. I drink my caffeine free rootbeer and cranberry juice out of wine glasses to create the feel, but there is no replacing the taste of a fruity reisling or a rich cabernet. There is also the fact that the minute I cannot have something, I want it, and I want it bad.

But it is all a small price to pay for the chance to have a baby. So, picture me, toasting you, with a wine glass filled with a beautiful vintage 2% milk.

Sunday, November 25, 2007


I am such a bad blogger lately. I was doing so well.

A combination of work being absolutely NUTS, the holidays, and now, some computer issues have combined to make me less than attentive to the blogasphere.

This week is also going to be a bit crazy, but I will try to be better about checking in on my dear friends, as well as updating those of you actually interested in the inner workings of a crazy infertile.

I actually did write a Thanksgiving entry, with some things that I am thankful for. Then, the aforementioned computer issues stepped in, and I have been without a computer since. However, thanks to my genius husband, those issues have (hopefully) been resolved!

In that entry, I listed the following as Things I Am Thankful For:

1) My husband & family - including my angels and my furbabies
2) My friends - both "real life" and blogger
3) My health (generally good, other than this whole IF debacle)
4) My nice, warm house to stay cozy in
6) Everything seems to be clicking away for this IVF cycle

And, indeed, everything does seem to be going well with this suppression business. Giving myself shots has actually become easy. I have only given myself one tiny bruise and it's not really even worth mentioning. I have had a few bouts of nausea, but nothing to be concerned about.

I did have a mini-meltdown in Lowe's last night, which my husband attributed to "the drugs," but I think it was more the fact that we were looking at Christmas decorations and there was a whole display of "Baby's First" items. I get sad when I see those things, as I really thought that we would have a baby by this Christmas. We also lost Gummy Bear in early December, so the holiday buzz is really bringing back some memories and emotions. Either way, I ended up crying at the store because my husband didn't want the same scent of candles that I did and he also didn't want the light up snowman that I thought would be perfect for the front yard. We ended up getting the scents that I wanted and passing on the snowman (if you saw how overstuffed our garage and house already are, you would understand why).

Today, I set up our Christmas tree and all of our other decorations. I am really trying hard to get in the spirit of the holidays this year. I am very glad to be going through the IVF procedures right now, as I think they give me the hope that I desperately need. If we weren't doing anything proactive AND didn't have a baby. . . well, I think BAH HUMBUG would become my favorite expression.

Suppression check is this Friday.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Here Comes the Bridezilla

I was a champ with my second Lupron injection last night. I remembered to go fast, release the pinched skin, and I didn't even wince. No bruising so far.

I have been a little nauseous today, however. I honestly don't know if this is related to the Lupron, because not too many people talk about that side effect. I haven't had any of the infamous headaches yet, but I am sure I am not out of the woods!

I actually wanted to vent about something other than infertility! Shocking, I know, since I am pretty much an "All Infertility Channel: 24/7."

Awhile back, my sister got engaged. I posted that while I was happy for her, her wedding was a bit of a sore spot with my family, since no one was being invited. She and my mom don't get along very well, and she thought it was just easier to leave family out altogether. A combination of her future inlaws being pretty hurt as well as several people telling her that they thought it was "weird" that no family was being invited, caused her to change her mind.

Last Thursday, she invited a group of select people (family and close friends) through a group e-mail. To say the least, the e-mail was worded poorly. Here are some exerpts:

On Oct. 24, 2008 we plan on having a sunset wedding bare-foot on the beach. This is the place where my inner bridzilla comes out. I am asking for all guest come dressed in sunset colors, oranges, reds, blues... you get the idea. I am asking for J, and T, if you plan to attend to be my bridesmaids. Ladies I am asking that you wear "sunset pink" as I call it. After I hear from you I will give you more details.

First off, this is where her inner bridezilla comes out? Secondly, you will notice that I am not listed as a potential bridesmaid. J is her soon-to-be-sister-in-law who, to my knowledge, has never even met my sister.

My favorite:

Following Oct 24, our wedding night we are asking for people to respect our honeymoon time. Wonderful friends of ours have given us a week in their timeshare in Maui. We know how large this island is, but we would like to ask you, if you plan to stay longer, to avoid this island. There are many other islands to choose from, and we need our time and space for romance and being a newly wed couple. We do hope that you understand.

Understand? Understand that you are kicking us off the island as soon as you are married?

I am pretty hurt about a lot of this. She was my maid of honor and I can't even have a spot in a "sunset pink" dress?

Is it the Lupron, girls, or is my sister a candidate for "Bridezilla of the Year?"

Monday, November 19, 2007

Lookin' Good!

So far, so good.

No side effects from the injection, not even any bruising at the site. Let's hope that this continues.

One of my very good friends called me today with her beta results. She only had one embryo transferred, because she does not want twins. At 9 days past 5 day transfer, her beta is a perfect 146. She will have her doubling check on Tuesday, so fingers crossed.

It was weird to not blog for so long, especially since I was battling some pretty significant anxiety over a combination of fear of ovulation and trouble getting my medications ordered. It was a bit of a nightmare trying to coordinate all of the faxing and phone calls in between 7 AM to 7 PM meetings. The hotel was also IN the Dallas Ft. Worth airport, so the reception was minimal on my cell phone. I originally ordered my meds through Schrafts, but they neglected to mention that my insurance carrier would not reimburse through them. I almost fell over when they called with my total. I then called my local pharmacy, and they could not fill all of the medications, but they could at least get the Lupron filled. Then, I managed to get IVPcare to fill the order, but since Rite Aid had already filled the Lupron, they assumed that they were filling all of it and almost didn't complete the order. Luckily, they called and left a message and I was able to correct the mistake with less than five minutes to spare.

Writing about it doesn't seem so bad now, but I was pretty anxious about the whole thing at the time. Hopefully, that will be what will happen when our baby is finally here - all of this won't seem so bad.

Finally, something else that made my day: My first award.

Yoka, of Road to Adopt, has awarded me the Blogger Flame of Fortitude.

I did not know about the Flame before, so here is the quote from Jenna who created this torch:
"You are receiving this honor because you have embodied perseverance in the face of difficulty and shared the journey of your experiences with others proving that a single voice can both be a light of support and a source or humor for those in the midst of their struggle. You are acknowledged here today for allowing others to share in your personal story and providing camaraderie through the power of your words. Each of you has faced a struggle that seems insurmountable to others and you have persevered. For some of you this resiliency was always a part of your character and for others, it was your struggle with infertility that awakened it from deep within you. Regardless of passion, stubbornness, a calling to a greater purpose or a refusal to admit defeat, you are an eternal flame of commitment. You are a veteran of your circumstances and you deserve recognition for your journey."

I am humbled.

I pass this torch to:

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Catching Up


I seriously cannot believe that almost a week has gone by since my last post. I was in Dallas for a work meeting and my internet connection was pretty poor (a wireless card). Now that I am back, I will try to do a better job of updating.

But here is the big news: We are a go.

That's right, I went in for the ultrasound check yesterday morning and all looks "perfect" according to Dr. M. Even more incredible, she has become a lot more friendly in the past few weeks and even gave me a big hug. My husband and I were pretty happy that all is a "go" for now. I know this is only the first in a set of many hurdles, but a good day in Infertility World is a rarity, so we have learned to really celebrate when we have one.

Today, I finally faced the box that arrived on Friday - the BIG BOX OF MEDICATIONS. It is all a little overwhelming, but friends that have travelled this path before me suggest taking it one day at a time. For that reason, I put all of the meds except the Lupron, in a cupboard that I hardly ever open. I will pull them out when I need them, but for now, a box of Lupron, needles, and my sharps container is all that I need.

It really takes a little gutspa to stick yourself with a needle. I learned that tonight. I had self-administered HCG before, but for some reason, this seemed more momentous. Well, at least the needles are small and the injection relatively painless. It was still a little weird, but I survived. I have heard that the side effects from Lupron aren't too bad for the first few days, but definitely is a cumulative effect.

As I jabbed myself with the first of MANY needles, I wondered how I had gotten to this point. I took pictures of the collection of medications because I thought they might make a good first page in a pregancy journal. Here's hoping to many pages in that journal.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Whoa, Ovary!

Today's update:

Not a whole lot.

We won't know if the double dose of high estrogen BCPs worked until Saturday's ultrasound. I had to go ahead and order my meds, since I would stary Lupron on Sunday if all is a go.

I don't know if I ovulated or not. I really can't tell anymore. I definitely had some EWCM through the weekend and some mild cramping on Saturday. Let's just keep fingers crossed that the lil' egg stayed put.

Friday, November 9, 2007

A Guest Blog - Brought To You By the Great Blog Cross Pollination

Today is Friday, November 9, the day of The Great Blog Cross-Pollination.

How exciting! Today's Mystery Guest Writer is someone that I am very flattered to have blogging in my space. She is one of the first blog pals that I had the pleasure of meeting and I follow her blog like a little puppy. When I saw that we had been "matched," I was thrilled. I won't say anymore for fear of giving away her identity, but Mrs. X is a phenomenal writer and an amazing woman. Now, don't cheat - see if you can guess the identity of today's writer and then. . . click on the link below to see if you are right!

Without further ado. . .

Baby, it's cold outside.

Autumn is officially here. The weather is brisk, and while I can't yet
see the white clouds of breath when I exhale, I can smell it in the
air. You know, the smell reminiscent of burning wood. The smell right
before it starts to snow. It's then that I know fall is upon us. And
winter is just a hop, skip and jump away.
I remember in May when we got our BFP, and how I couldn't wait for it
to turn cold because then I would know it wouldn't be long. It
wouldn't be long until we had a baby in our arms. We would be busily
preparing for our impending arrival - finishing up the nursery and
buying last minute items we didn't get from our shower. I'd probably
be in my nesting phase, obsessing over cleanliness and orderliness. I
envisioned laying by the fireplace, drinking hot cocoa and decorating
our tree. This time I'd be the one adorned - with a huge belly. But,
instead, the cold weather is a painful reminder of what anniversary is
looming in the not-so-far-off distance. Time seemed to drag on for so
long, but now it seems to have sprinted forward all of sudden. Instead
of stressing about the arrival of a bundle of joy, we are stressing
about fertility treatment and debating taking a break.
At dinner last night, DH casually asked me how I would feel about
taking a break after this cycle if, or more like when, it is a BFN.
This means 2 things: (a) he's thought about it and (b) he thought it
was a good idea or otherwise he wouldn't have suggested it. I told him
that I would prefer to cycle in December and then, if no BFP, take a
break for a few months beginning in the new year. He seemed okay with
this plan - until we made it home and into the bedroom. His body had
other ideas. He had problems...well...getting it up. This has never
happened before. In the four years of us being intimate and two years
of us TTC, he has never once had an issue with performing on cue. I
doubt it is a physical problem, as we haven't had sex in over a week,
being that AF was here. He's usually pumped by that point. He finally
got it up long enough to finish but it left me wondering what the deal
was. Was this a culmination of two years of doin' it (and doin' it
well) on cue? Or was it because he really didn't want me?
I didn't mention anything about it until today. I asked him if he was
okay and what he thought the problem was last night. He thought it
could be his new asthma medication. But he also said he is tired (aka
The Truth). He thinks we are focusing too much on TTC and we've
dedicated two years of our lives to this. He thinks we need a new
focus. He thinks I'm obsessing.
I admit I don't quite know how to draw the line between trying and
"obsessing". I think the line is pretty blurry, if you ask me. If
someone is diagnosed with diabetes and uses injections to normalize
their body, participates in a diabetes walk, donates money to diabetes
research and spends time with a support group, is that obsessing? I
think of it as activism and doing something good for the community
while working through your illness. Why is infertility any different?
I do spend a lot of time on my blog and other outlets for IF. I have a
few support groups and I participate in events for IF when I can on my
free time. What is so obsessive about that? Is it the BBT charting? Is
it the time I spend on my blog? Is it taking meds and having doctor
appointments? If these things aren't stressing me out most days, why
is it obsessing? I guess I don't know how to try to conceive without
"obsessing". How can you not obsess when you have to take pills and
get shots just to do what your body should do naturally? How can your
life not at least partially revolve around your cycle? It is the
nature of the beast. Or at least that is what I've been conditioned to
I told him I wasn't going to force him to do anything he didn't want
to do. If he wants to take a break before the new year, we can. I told
him I've already finished up the Clomid this cycle so we should try to
salvage what we can this month. Then, we'll discuss what to do going
forward. I really want a chance at a Christmas BFP. I highly doubt it
will happen unmedicated. If we don't get those two lines, I'll be
ready for a good 3-month break. January through March - trying again
in the spring. Not that we'll avoid. We just won't have meds or shots
or timed BD. We will just try to get "us" back. I'm not opposed to
taking a break. I'm just not quite ready yet.
But I don't want to fight. I don't have the energy in me anymore.
There was a time I would have thrown a hissy fit and cried and pleaded
until I got my way. But not anymore. I don't want to have marital
problems on top of this. I'm trying to listen to his needs and give
him time. I just hope that he can reciprocate those feelings and we
can find a compromise.
And I can't help but wonder - if we are starting to have issues in bed
now - will this continue even if we do take a break? Will it be worse
when we go back to trying because we will have been lazy for so long?
Or worse yet - will he decided he enjoyed the break so much that he
doesn't want to go back to TTC in April? I wonder if IUI would be a
better option for us next year. He would still have to perform on cue
- but only once or twice as opposed to 7 days in a row. Of course,
that kind of convenience doesn't come without a cost. For the bargain
basement price of $600 a pop. I just don't know. I'm scared of what
the future holds for us. I'm hoping for a miracle.

Any guesses? Leave them in the comment section so that the world can see your brilliance. Then, check out this link to see if you were right (and if you are really bored, that is where you will find my blog entry for today). Thanks for playing and thanks to Geohde for being our Queen Bee and creating such a Blogging Buzz!

Thursday, November 8, 2007

For Our Next Trick

I am a medical freak of nature. I already knew this, I guess, but it always catches me by surprise for some reason.

I am cycle day 5 of my suppression cycle. Like the good, compliant patient that I am, I had my Day 2 bloodwork and started my birth control pills.

I went in today and Dr. M proclaimed my 3.4 FSH and 30 Estradol levels "perfect." However, when she went in with the dildo cam to get a baseline follicle count. . . we went from picture perfect to "uh oh." Apparently, one of the magic tricks that my body can do is ovulate even when on birth control. This actually makes some sense, since our first pregnancy happened when I was on the pill. My husband thought I had just missed a pill or something, but after seven years, I was pretty dependable. At least my guilt from that is assuaged.

The problem is, of course, that I have to have a suppression cycle. We have now increased my bcp to 2 times a day (Crazy Town, here I come) in the hopes that my lead follicle "will shrivel up and die" (that is a quote from Dr. M).

They actually had me take the second pill right then and there. No messing around. Dr. M did manage to tell me that less than 4% of women will continue to ovulate in the presence of birth control, so once again, I have taken the statistical bullet. Lovely.

If this follicle doesn't shrivel up and die, then we will have to move forward to January. We will know at next Saturday's ultrasound.

Well, at least it's never boring being a statistical freak of nature.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Protocol and TAG!

Thanks in no small part to many of your prayers and crossed fingers, my period came on Saturday morning, which safely puts us in the window for the December transfers. I will begin Lupron injections on November 18 and if all goes according to plan, that puts our egg retrieval at December 12. However, we have no idea how I will respond to the medications. A girlfriend of mine was oversuppressed and had to delay everything by a full cycle. So, keep those fingers crossed and prayers coming.

About a week ago, Tracy tagged me for 7 Quirky Things About Me. I actually did this about a while back, but I am not one to let a tag go. So [insert drumroll here, please] I am introducing a NEW tag:

Okay, I confess, I saw this on someone else's blog. But for lack of my own creativity, I thought it was worth a try. All you do is type your first name followed by the word "needs" into Google and see what you come back with. For example, I typed in "Katie needs" and this, dear friends, is what I need according to the good Dr. Google:

Katie needs an ultimate Katie Holmes ressource with news, pictures, wallpapers and much more! (Hmmm, I don't really think that I need that, but if you do, here is the website - who knew?

Katie needs a home (In this case, Katie happens to be a parrot that is up for adoption. If you are interested, you can adopt Katie here:

Katie needs HULA LESSONS! (This is true, I suppose, because I do not know how to hula and my husband and I are considering taking a vacation to Hawaii.)

Katie needs to let Jack go. (Hmmmm. My dog's name is Jack. Where does he want to go?)

Katie needs a blog! (Hey, finally something that I have already taken care of!)

Now, I am going to tag THREE people. Why three, I am not sure, but I am!

I am going to tag Geohde, because we all know how much she likes to play with Google. I am also going to tag Polka Dot, because she got so excited last time that I tagged her. And since Tracy tagged me, now I am tagging her back! Go forth and find what you need!

Friday, November 2, 2007

Time Warp

Deep breath.

That is what I am going to have to keep doing in order to get through the next two months. Just breathe.

I am scared. I am going to say it straight out. Scared out of my gourd. I know there are so many of you brave souls out there that have done this numerous times and you have my sincerest admiration.

Someone commented that they were overwhelmed by the injectibles class. Um. Yeah. Perhaps it is because we just made the decision to do IVF on Wednesday and less than 24 hours later, we were in an injectibles class. Everyone else already had their folders of protocol and boxes of medication and we were sans both. Perhaps it is just because it is overwhelming, all of these drugs, needles, etc., that we will be putting into our body.

And it isn't just the physical aspects that I am frightened of. It is the emotional part that is really screwing with me. I know that this is not necessarily our "last" step, but I know it will be incredibly heartwrenching if it doesn't work. I have watched others go down this road before me and I have seen the aftermath of a failed IVF cycle. I have already been through a lot (who hasn't?) and I am not sure what yet another "disappointment" will do to me.

Here's the real kicker: Even if it does work - so what? I have gotten pregnant before. That wasn't the problem before. Nothing was ever identified as our problem, so nothing was ever fixed. The only hope that we have is PGD, which we are doing, and that will at least ensure genetically sound embryos. If I miscarry again, then we know that my body is just a circus freak of nature, and that will be the end of the road.

Perhaps that is what scares me the most. The end of the road. Agh. . .

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Fingers Crossed

Update: Well, Dr. M has proven sympathetic to our plight, and has approved us to be the final transfer of 2007. We had to do a little schedule juggling and make it to an injections class today, but we have gotten the green light. Now, everyone cross your fingers that my period arrives before Monday, or all may be lost. This is so ironic - praying for a period! I will post more on our actual protocol and dates tomorrow - but as those of you who have traveled this path before well know, those are moving targets. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It is appreciated so much more than you could ever know.

Yesterday moring, I called T at my RE's office and left her a message asking whether it was even possible for me to get into an IVF cycle before the end of the year. I figured there was no use agonizing over a decision that might not even be mine to make. I explained the financial reasoning as well as the emotional need to be proactive.

At almost 5 PM, I received a phone call from the IVF coordinator, who is just the greatest woman, compassionate, kind, and caring. She is the type of person that you would expect to have working at a IF office. She explained that I could just make it into the last group of cyclers for 2007, if my period starts in the next 5 - 7 days (no pressure here) and I can start my suppression medication (fancy name for birth control pills, eh?) on the second day of that cycle.

I would then be starting injectibles in late November/early December with a mid-month retrieval/transfer and a Christmastime beta. It is strange to think that it can happen so quickly, although I guess we have been building to this for quite some time, and there is nothing "quick" about it.

The only potential snag is that Dr. M still has to approve this. I can't imagine why she wouldn't, but she wasn't in yesterday, so the IVF coordinator was just calling me to explain the basic details and what I would need to do to get started if Dr. M gives us the go ahead.

I am a strange mixture of terrified, elated, excited, sad, and scared right now. I will post an update later to let you know the verdict. Fingers crossed. . .