Tuesday, July 10, 2018


I finally got the phone call with the schedule for my ECT treatments.  And of course, now that I have the dates on the calendar, I am losing my nerve.  Thoughts keeping rioting through my head.  Am I really going to shock my brain?  Is my depression really that bad?  Maybe it's a bit better and I should wait.

But I really don't think my depression is better.  Not really.  I know what normal me feels like.  And I am not normal.  Then I worry that maybe there is no normal me anymore.  Maybe that energetic person is gone forever and I will be a sloth for all of eternity.

90% effective.  That is what I have to focus on.  My psychiatrist says it is actually closer to 95% in all of the clinical studies.  So I'd have to be really unlucky to be part of that small percentage for whom it doesn't work.  But I've been part of a small percentage before and it wasn't all that much fun.

See, I told my doctor's nurse I wasn't brave.  I am really just scared.  Scared of the procedure.  Scared that it won't work.  Scared that I will always feel like this.

BUT.  My fear of staying like this forever and being this depressed person is my greatest fear of all.  It is a fear great enough to propel me forward and do this.  I CAN DO THIS.

1 comment:

Christine said...

You CAN do this. Do it for those beautiful babies you struggled to bring in this world. You GOT this!