What Would Emily Post Do? *Edited*

I find myself in an unexpected position involving shower etiquette - I am the jerk.

Without calling me out-and-out rude, please weigh on in the following two situations.

First situation: I have a girlfriend I will call Kam. She and I met about six years ago, through a job neither of us work at any longer. We were never close friends, but talked on the phone at regular intervals (monthy to bi-monthly) and got together maybe a couple times a year. She knew about the miscarriage troubles (though not in great detail) and I knew about some problems that she was having in her marriage. About a week after Gummy Bear died, right before Christmas, I ran into at the grocery store. I remember feeling strange about the conversation - it seemed strained, but then again, I wasn't in the greatest mindframe. I should also add that it was the night of a huge storm, the power kept going off and on, and I was trying to buy batteries and some last minute supplies. It was just hectic.

So, after Christmas, maybe a month later, I called and left her a message. I told her that I had been glad to see her and wondered how she was doing. She never called back. I sent her an e-mail a few weeks after that, asking about her family, and received a brief reply that all was okay.

About six months later, I ran into her again at the same store. We talked, again briefly, but to me, everything seemed okay. I sent my usual Christmas card to her family this year, I am pretty sure that she sent one back. I have copied her on all of our baby updates and she has written back very nice responses.

I am gathering addresses for my upcoming baby shower and putting her name on the e-mail list was something that I debated about. I knew we hadn't talked in awhile, but I also felt that she was someone that I wanted to keep in touch with. Looking back, it was a mistake to add her, but I did.

She e-mailed me back, very hurt that I was asking her to come "just for a gift." She thought that I had been rude to her a year and a half ago, and no longer considered us friends. I sent back an e-mail, explaining my state of mind when I had seen her that time in the store, and asking forgiveness. She wrote back, again saying how rude it was to ask someone to a shower that you haven't seen for over a year. Reviewing the situation, I agree with her, I was out of line. How should I handle this situation without making it worse?

Second: This one is tricky in that I can still change it before too many people are offended. It has to do with registry length. I have a pretty long registry at two major stores, BRU and Tar.get. I like to give people a lot of different options in what to buy, in a lot of different price ranges. I find it frustrating when I look at a registry and there are only expensive things or a small amout of things available, especially if I procrastinated and it is close to the shower. With that thinking in mind, I have made my registries very "complete," including putting a lot of toys and books on them. I think I have around 140 items on each one. I am not sure how many pages it would be if I printed it out. I am going to try that at the store and see, but probably 10. I was thinking that it was good to give people options, but now I wonder if I look greedy. Will people print the registry out and think "Geesh, this girl is a gift grubber."?

The thing that is sad about both of these scenarios is that the last thing in the world that I want is to appear greedy or as if I am only after a gift from my friends. This is part of what makes me uncomfortable at showers for myself, I really feel badly when people bring me things.

Again, please don't make me feel worse than I already do. Just let me know what you think about these situations and how I can resolve them.

Edited: Thank you for your thoughtful responses. I can always count on you guys to show me the way. I will work on paring down my registry this weekend and I sent my friend this e-mail.

I have been thinking about the right way to phrase and handle this situation. I have been very upset over it, simply because I can easily see why you would be offended by being invited to a shower, and I feel awful. I never wanted to come across as a gift grubber or just wanting to see you for your wallet.

You are a person that I really enjoyed having in my life. Losing so many babies and dealing with the process that is infertility was a lonely and isolating thing. I lost touch with many friends during this time, and that is completely my fault. Please know that it was not a reflection on you. I was so depressed for so long that I couldn't even see family members for some time in there. I truly felt as if I was burdening people with my sadness, especially when in the past, I have been typically an upbeat person. This does not excuse rudeness in any way, I just want to make it clear that I realize the situation is my fault. I truly did not realize that I was brushing you off that night at the grocery store, if nothing else, please know that was unintentional.

Now that I finally have something wonderful to share, I really wanted to include you in what is a happy time for me again. When I put together the e-mail updates on our son and then the shower invite, I really was trying to make an overture of being back in your life when I included you. However, looking back, I realize that it was out of line and probably did not come across that way at all. I regret my decision, but there is no way that I can take it back now, I can just apologize for it.

Again, I am sorry for letting go of our friendship. I hope that you can still remember it fondly and forgive me for my lack of etiquette.

Take care of yourself and your family. I wish you only the best.

First Major Baby Purchases

As I posted earlier in the week, I am starting to feel a bit behind on nursery preparations. I was bemoaning this fact to a friend, who suggested that I go to this store. I did not even know that they had nursery things there, let alone the best selection of nursery furniture, bedding, and accessories that I have seen. I like that it's all set up, too, so you can see how the things really look, rather than trying to zoom into pictures online or picture it from a piece of railing on a display. It's kind of like the bargain basement version of BRU.

I was like a little kid in a candy store, as I zoomed around, looking at the cribs. I was kind of annoyed when a sales lady kept approaching me, asking me if I needed anything, especially a high chair, rocker, or swing. I politely put her off a few times, saying that I was just looking. When she came back again, I was almost ready to ask her nicely to leave me to browse, when she said the magic words:

CLEARANCE.

Actually, what she said was, "Our national manager is here from New Jersey and let us mark down some of our floor models. I am talking $200 items for $20."

Okay, now she had my full attention.

I followed her to a corner of the store, which will from here on out be known as The Corner of Bargains. And she hadn't misadvertised.

I bought this. I had been wanting one, purely for emotional reasons. and had decided against registering for it because it just isn't necessary. They are spendy and I know that you can just use a pack n' play for the same purpose. But when I saw the price tag, I could not resist. Marked down from $109 to $39.

Then, my eyes bugged out of my head when I next saw this. This actual one is on my registry, so I know that it costs $140. But it was marked $30.

Now, these were floor models, but there were in perfect condition. Not a scratch, spot, or speck. I was in quite the quandry, because I have promised the husband that I will not make major baby purchases, besides a crib, which takes a few weeks to order. It's not that he does not want to buy things, but again referring to my earlier post, we are supposed to be clearing things out before bringing new things in. But at these prices, I felt it would be a crime to walk away from them.

So, I sent him pictures on his phone of each bargain and then called him to see if the ban could be lifted. Luckily for me, he was about to leave for a meeting and didn't really have time to talk. Which meant that he told me to do what I wanted. Which meant that I did.

It was a bit tricky getting both pieces into my car, but with the help of a really nice assistant manager, we got the job done. The swing and bassinet are now sitting in our spare bedroom and I couldn't be more pleased with my bargains. I keep picturing our little man in this bassinet and it makes me so happy.

Oh, and I almost positive that I found our crib, too. We're going to go back and order it this weekend.

Next, I need to pick bedding and colors.

And clean out the room and the garage, but let's not get carried away. . .

Kickin' It

Ho hum.

Not a lot going on today.

Except did I mention the alien creature that has apparently taken up residence in my abdomen?

Either that, or something that I ate really did NOT agree with me.

Seriously, this kid has gone from "Hmm, is that the baby?" kicks to "Holy crap, is he going to kick his way out?" kicks in a matter of days. I love every moment, but I have to admit, I am worried about how I am going to survive the next four months of stronger activity. I do know from extensive googling that a baby hasn't managed to escape by way of abdominal mutilation, so I do rest easier.

It is crazy to see my stomach moving from the outside. I imagine our son is laughing as he imagines which position to try next. I can hear him thinking, "Now, if I just bounce on her bladder like this. . ."

Of course, I have my own games that I like to play with him. If he is quiet for too long and I start to get nervous, a firm push on my abdomen rouses him. Then, I wonder why I poked the bear, as he retaliates by sticking some appendange into my ribcage.

Sometimes, however, I will be thinking about something else entirely. Perhaps the garbage disposal that I clogged and broke last night. Or maybe our cable bill, which inexplicably went up twenty dollars last month. In any case, I am not thinking B-A-B-Y. And as if he wants to remind me just where my focus should be . . . WHACK!

My husband laughs at me that the firm movements can still make me cry tears of happiness. But oh, what a miracle this is.

Nesting?

I think it is too early for nesting, but I am starting to feel a little. . . nestful?

I have not been all that worried about the nursery. It is currently our home office. As I work from home, this room is essential. We are planning on buying a nice computer desk (the kind you can close up behind doors) for our living room and moving all of our stuff down to that. There is then the matter of a shelf FULL of books, which I will probably just take to a consignment bookstore, and the more concerning matter of a CLOSET of crap. Not crap, really, but there is a lot of junk in there. Cleaning the room out would probably take a day in and of itself. But that's not the only issue.

Our garage is a disaster area. Some of it is work-related. I have to store company product and materials at my house and that's where it is relegated. There are stacks to the ceiling of work crap.

The rest of it is squirrel-related. No, we don't have squirrels. Both my husband and I are savers - we like to squirrel away rather useless things. I have boxes of childhood toys, so does he. I have a lot of knick knacks and decorations for different holidays. My husband wants to clean out the garage so that we can move some of the closet crap into that area. It makes a lot of sense. But it also makes for a mountain of work. Probably a full weekend project.

And I haven't decided on a nursery theme at all. Not even close. Not colors, motif, bedding, furniture, nada.

All of this means that I haven't done squat with the nursery and it hasn't really bothered me.

Until now.

The past couple of weeks, it has started niggling at the back of my brain. I think it has to do with the fact that many of my pregnant friends already have their nurseries baby-ready. Sure, some of them are much farther along, but most of them are right around my gestational period - or less!

Also, Little Man is moving so much right now that I am feeling more and more confident that he will actually be the RLB that I have been dreaming of. Sure, I still get fears and doubts, and I know that so much could go wrong. But so much could go right, too. This realization is making me want to get things ready for him, to have a place to bring him home to.

I tried talking to my husband about it last night, and he is in no hurry. He thinks we have plenty of time and that we don't need to rush. He thinks we should wait until June. June?! We have two showers in June, from which I assume we will get some baby things. It would be really nice to have a place to put said things, rather than just pile them someplace else and create another mess!

I know from talking to other pregnant ladies that this is a common theme. I think that if husbands had it their way, they would start prepping the nursery when the water broke. But that is no longer an option. I am ready to move things, to paint, to assemble furniture, to put up pictures!

And don't even get me started on his name!

Hello, Daddy!

Baby Boy gave my husband and me a wonderful anniversary gift on Saturday.

I was exhausted after the graduation and a bad night's sleep in Bed Bug Manor, so we were laying down together, my husband watching t.v. and me trying to sleep. Just as I was drifting off, I got the hardest kick to date - my whole stomach jumped.

I grabbed my husband's hand and said, "If you are patient for awhile, I'll bet you can feel him kick."

If you will recall, my husband hasn't been that enthusiastic about the bump. I have taken the advice of many of your comments as well as some IRL friends and not forced the issue. As of late, however, he has been eager to feel the baby move. When his grandma tried to feel it the night before, he said that he wanted to feel it first, so I told him he is going to have to try.

He had his hand on my stomach for about five minutes when it happened again - a great big thump! He looked at me in amazement and asked if that was it. I laughed because well, what else could it be? He jokingly accused me of making my stomach jump, but as I don't see how that would even be physically possible, we both know that it was Baby Boy giving his Daddy a love tap.

Of course, I cried. It was a wonderful moment and truly made our anniversary even more special.

The Gift of Wood

Today is a big day for my husband and me.

It is our five year wedding anniversary.


We are actually about five hours away from home at a roadside motel. We are going to his cousin's college graduation this morning. As far as anniversaries go, this is definitely not the most glamorous.


For two of our anniversaries, we have been in Mexico at an upscale all-inclusive. For the others, we have gone to nice hotels, spas with massages and plush robes galore. We don't usually give each other gifts, considering the trips and hotel stays as our present to each other.

This year, his cousin's graduation fell on this particular weekend and, of course, there will be no Mexico trips during this pregnancy. The end result is that last night, we spent the night in a small double bed. As I was pulling back the sheets, there was the lovely surprise of a small black bug crawling between them. There is some suspicious yellow sludge on the wall. I am not a snob, but this motel is definitely not on the list of "will returns."

By now, you are probably thinking that I have already returned to my whiny pregnancy state. Actually, quite the opposite. I wasn't expecting a spa hotel, so I brought my own flip flops for the nasty shower and didn't even look twice when I stepped into it this morning. I brought my own pillow and blanket for the bed. I laughed as my husband gently captured what was most likely a bed bug in a plastic cup and brought it outside. It was almost kind of romantic cuddling in a double bed instead of sprawled two feet apart in our king sized one at home.

When we woke up this morning, on this day of celebrating five years of marriage, my first thought was that it can't possibly have been such a long time. It seems like moments ago that I woke up on another Saturday in May, flinging open the curtains to reveal a typical gray and drizzly Northwest morning. I turned to my three bridesmaids, who had shared the room and my last night as a single gal with me, and yelled, "It's a beautiful day! I'm getting married!"

And yet, sometimes, I feel as if we have been together forever. We aren't just husband and wife, we are best friends. We have laughed and cried together, and luckily, the tears have been outweighed by the smiles. There have been many wonderful highs and a few crushing lows, but we've made it through both. And it what I feel has been the true test of our marriage, infertility, actually brought us closer and made our relationship stronger.

The traditional five year anniversary gift is wood. So, my gift for my husband this year is a wooden picture frame with three pictures in it. The first is a picture taken just seconds after we were engaged, the second is a picture taken from our most recent trip to Mexico. The third is the 3D ultrasound picture of our son. I labeled the pictures with three simple words. Past. Present. Future.

We have been through so much together. From holding hands as we signed the paperwork, buying our first house, to holding each other in a small obstetrician's office and trying to come to terms with the death of our fifth baby, we have been there for each other for all of our past. We stand together now, still holding each other, as we prepare for the newest chapter in our lives together. This side of parenthood will no doubt challenge us as nothing has before. But I believe that like all of the challenges before us, this one will make us laugh. Make us cry. And make us stronger.

So even though we are in a crappy motel, this might go down as our best anniversary to date. To my husband, M, I love you with all of my heart. Thank you for our past, present, and future.

What Is the Point?

I am doing a lot of whining on this blog lately.

And I don't like it one bit.

Thank you for the comments regarding my last post. Like pretty much every other woman on this planet, I have some issues regarding weight and body proportions. I had hoped that pregnancy would quiet those inner demonds, but it has only muffled them. I doubt the onslaught of hormones combined with the comments from friend, family, and foe is helping.

However, I need only to look through my own blog, or glance at the pages of others to know that there is nothing in this world that I would trade for this baby and the opportunity to carry him. Pregnancy is a miracle, a hard fought battle for so many people, and instead of valuing it, I am crying about a little weight gain.

Now, this doesn't mean that I am not going to post about aches and pains and weight gain. After all, this is a blog about my pregnancy-after-infertility, and I wouldn't want to exclude that or make it less authentic. But I also want to talk more about the miracles of pregnancy and less about the minor inconveniences.

Like the fact that when I feel my baby move, everything else in this world pretty much doesn't matter at all. And isn't that the point?